Chapter Thirty-Five

An invitation to turn the page.
An invitation to press the plot forward.
An invitation to open up and uncover even more.
What twists are before me?
What revelations are around the bend?

I am more whole and healed than I was last year.
I am more engaged with the underlayers of what has caused generational trauma in my family.
I am more awake to manipulative behaviours and how they manifest themselves within each person.
I am more alive to my intellect and depth of thought.
I am more aware of when and why I experience nervous system dysregulation.
I am more in tune with my core family unit and the few friends that last a lifetime.

I am more of this version of me.
& I am saying yes to this invitation to turn the page to enter the new turns in chapter 35.

34 notations, lessons, observations and gold found.

*In no particular order.

1. Pursue the deep, the wonder and the voiceless…there is always gold in what has not yet been given light.

2. Anyone that leaves you behind has lost the plot. Their time in your story has passed and if they resurface, only you can say if they belong in the new pages of your story or not.

3. Resist the temptation to repeat old patterns / ways of connecting. You do it different.

4. No one wants to leave you. They simply haven’t healed themselves enough to stay.

5. You have the strongest ties to the ones that will be there for the worst of it all. Give those ties a tug when needed. They’ll be there.

6. Your bit of earth is rich and vibrant. Watch it grow and cultivate it during the quiet seasons. Quiet doesn’t mean fallow.

7. Everything that is inside you that tells you are unintelligent is a lie. Your intelligence moves mountains not only outwardly but on the insides of others. Don’t hide your processing and thoughts. It’s your calling to share.

8. Celebrate every win. Don’t shy away from being proud.

9. Listen to your gut. It has never steered you wrong.

10. If you thought ‘family’ was a word to pitch your tent to, think again. Learn. Connect and learn again.

11. Lean not on others, but stand upright on the two feet you were given.

12. Take up space and hold space in every room you walk into.

13. Reject every 'othering’ narrative that seeks to control a room.

14. Embrace the woman and mothering ways that only you uniquely inhabit.

15. Work on what you are aware of, stay learning and work some more.

16. Be the friend you need and want… but draw the line at being used and sucked dry.

17. Process every wound and give it air. Work to find it’s best healing and do not deny its presence and process.

18. Expect more from yourself. You are already capable of more than you realize.

19. If you were told to let someone else do it in your childhood / young adult years, give it a go alone. See if you are capable. (you probably are.)

20. Drive. Stay independant. Never let fear drive the car.

21. Dress to please you and how you want to present yourself. Not for anyone else.

22. When faced with misogyny / sexual misconduct, do not accept the blame. Call out the toxic patriarchy and let your words speak for themselves.

23. Stay courageous, vulnerable and open….and share when you feel safe.

24. Rather than letting them define you, define yourself.

25. Travel when it suits you. If it doesn’t, don’t. If it does, do.

26. You always know when it’s time for a change. Your restless heart beat will let you know.

27. Others won’t be ready for your changes, but you will be. Let that be enough.

28. Protect your independence and ability to stand on your own two feet. Question anyone who wants to make you dependant.

29. Question anyone who puts you on a pedestal.

30. “Just between us” is a death sentence.

31. Move your body. You will always feel better after.

32. Anyone you have loved has gotten a glimpse of heaven through your love…don’t discredit your heart and what you have given.

33. Stay witty. You are a firecracker and they love that about you. (& it keeps you alive for yourself)

34. Stay you. Stay Amy freaking Grace.

This raw, vulnerable, tender, precious, heartbreaking, comedic, enraging, and simply beautiful life makes me utterly weak in the knees.

With every project created, conversation shared, moment observed, and words found I have been deeply honoured to have experienced and made anew.

Life is beautiful.
Life is hard.
&
Life is wild.

So with wild and raw words
onwards I go.

Another year in lockdown during my birthday.

In many ways, it was discouraging to be changing plans, yet again.

In other ways, it was a delicious opportunity to go inward and truly reflect on what another year of my life has meant and what another year of life to live could mean.

If I was to put my finger on something,

it would be those moments of quiet questions that have led and continue to lead towards the deeper and more important questions.

What are you called to do, now, with others?

This can be difficult to look at within the confines of a pandemic.

I would like to think that my world is vast, my connections and work is large, and that in fact I am called to create space for many, many people.

This is not untrue.

I also think that a habit of mine, and any of us in a world of so much access, is get caught up in the dizzying ‘much-ness’ of the world.

What came with the pandemic restrictions has been a grappling, and a true reality check to make us rethink what access and connection means.

We still scroll and listen and have our ties in places that far outreach us.

Yet,

How do we show up to those in front of us?

How do we show up for those far away?

There is a movement I have noticed.

What are you going to do when the pandemic is over?
When life is back to normal, what are your goals?

I am sensing in my deep spirit not to go back to that type of thinking.

I am called to go back to that guttural core of me and create that space in the here and now with the way things are today.

So a declaration that is happening in my thirty-second year is to continue the work with those who are in my space today. To honour the project ideas and work to adapt to the confines of any given moment.

Going back to what was, is to say that all that once was, was good and healthy.

I think we all know that 24/7 life was not a healthy route we all were taking.
I think we all have seen what baking bread, time to reassess our values, raise our kids, muddle in the quiet, struggle with the heartbreak of a world still so broken, and the senseless inhuman treatment of so many …

We need to humanize ourselves and our callings again.
To humanize ourselves means we are one step closer to humanizing ‘the others’.

Strip it back and see what we all have left to work on, cultivate and create.

So much potential in the human life if we but give ourselves the chance and space to sort, muse, ponder, wonder, and be moved into action.

Big.

Small.

or simply.

the one thing we can do today for ourselves and those who inhabit our space.

In the end,

it’s all a ripple affect.

Onwards to 32.

Six.

Her vibrancy has shone through like a ray of light the past year of her life.

Although in yet another lockdown for her birthday it is very evident that Zoë has changed so much in the past year.

Becoming more and more the person she is on the inside on the outside.

This year she has taught me to love, celebrate and feel more.

It’s been difficult to have to walk her through so many changes and upheaval that we never would have planned but her settling into the changes has been a reminder of how adaptable our spirits can be when surrounded by those we love.

For her sixth year we pray for opportunities to connect with good friends, a free spirit, sharp mind and a growing in her inner self and the One that made her.

this is thirty-one.

The lead up to this birthday was difficult.

Losing a grandfather who helped bolster my dreams, a global pandemic causing us to stay home, a provincial mass shooting that reached a national level, and an atmosphere change in our little home…. the layers of these events, although a warrior I believe myself to be…created a weakening in my heart. Tears have come easily and without much effort and, a new realization of what is to come has surfaced.

I am wrapping my head around this one.

Thirty-One didn’t arrive with streamers and confetti for me.

Thirty-One didn't come with a big celebration.

Thirty-One arrived with an invitation and a whisper.

Thirty-One left a challenge at my doorstep.

Will you dream new and different? Will you open yourself up to something more than what is currently before you?

On the one hand, this invitation is coming clearly. I see collaborations and work developing at a new and exciting rate.

On the other hand, this invitation is a road full of fog and unknowns before me. I can hear the invitation, but I can’t see around the bend. How can I let go of what I have known for something I don’t yet know of?

And this is where the practice of releasing what I hold dear and opening myself up to what is new and the next right thing to comes into my life.

A practice that is harder than one would ever want to admit.

A practice I may have done a million times, only to struggle to do it a million and one times more.

This is thirty - one.

and it seemed that all at once, she was five.

Zoë has flourished over the last year.
Becoming more of herself separate from us.

I see myself in her eyes, the demonstrative affection and the willingness to drop everything and be silly for silly sake.

I see him in her thought out nature, fully engrossed ways and ability to tell people ‘how it is’ and ‘how it all works’.

More importantly, I see her.

Moved and affected by everything and everyone around her. She has taken on learning how to skate, read, write, have friendships and ultimately become more and more of herself every day.

To say we are proud of her is an understatement.
We are engrossed, overcome, blessed, challenged and inspired by her.

We delight in her.

In five more years she will be ten.
Hard to imagine the changes, the becoming, the metamorphosis that will happen between now and then and from then to beyond.

What we know for sure,

Zoë will always be a bright light as she is. All of the parts of who she is is what makes her unique. We couldn’t ask for anything else.

Our only prayer

is that she always be free in her spirit to be fully ‘Zoë’, however that is, however that grows and changes. May her spirit remain free from the expectations and standards of this world and may she step into whatever her calling may be despite what may try to come against her in her life.

taken by Jasmine Alexander at ‘The Watch that Ends the Night’ , Dartmouth, NS.

Thirty.

The turning over into a new decade. Something worth celebrating.

10 new years to sink deeper into who I am, where I am called and discovering gold in the corners of life.

Many things are being left in my twenties, things that made me new and things that forced me to grow despite my own fear.

What I am taking into my thirties.

That seat at the table

I am not questioning the seats that open up for me anymore, and neither am I going to continue doubting wether the fold up chair under my arm will match enough with others at the table. It’s apparent that I have work to do in this world that is uniquely and specifically mine to show up for.

A unique voice.

I am permitting and embracing my own unique voice to exist outside of my own perceived safety zones. Pushing back and letting my voice represent me has been an incredible journey thus far and continues to bring me closer to the One who made me.

A well rounded intelligence

I am celebrating the intelligence that resides within me. I have had incredible experiences so far, both personally and professionally that have led me to where I am. What I add to a team, a vision or just in conversation is so worthy. Each experience grows us when we stay open to it.

Relationships that go both ways

I am lavish and loyal in relationships. In embracing my unique love languages and how I best connect both personally and professionally, I am enlightened to realize that my worn out spirit has choices. Investing in personal and professional relationships that can thrive with a healthy amount of expressive interaction, space and trust is everything for this next decade.

Delicious food both healthy and indulgent

I am healed by the act of taking in delicious food. I have learned that at the dining table I have found an awareness of myself and others that has left me inspired, encouraged and made new again. To share that experiences with those I love and continue to grow my pallet is an exciting adventure.

That comedic take on life

I am anchored by humour through every season. I didn’t realize how much laughter I had been raised on until I started raising my own child. Finding the laughter in even the toughest season is where I am the best of me.

Embracing every inch of my strong capable body

I am incredibly capable as I am. I am daily practicing to love every inch of what I have. Long legs, short torso, aging hands, crinkly eyes, stretch marks, high cheek bones, sharp eyes that disappear when I smile... All of it. It’s mine to celebrate until I die.

All that strong visioning skills

I can see projects, ideas, concepts, styles, etc before they are created. I have an incredible eye for design & creation. I won’t be letting that sit idle. Time to use it with joy.

Gut instinct

I am insightful and it’s easy to disregard when faced to explain it to someone who doesn’t sense the same thing, but enough life has passed for me to realize that it’s a skill to trust and not doubt.

The raw vulnerability

I have journeyed some incredibly tough situations the past ten years and through it all, what does remain is a raw vulernability that I have learned is a strength. Hard to feel strong about that when in the middle of a ‘storm’ but it continues to be what has kept me going, thriving and learning. That raw vulnerability may feel terrible in the moment, but it has moved mountains I am only just now learning about.

& with those tucked close, onward I go, into the next decade of learning, loving and luscious living.

four.

Her growing voice ripple effects further than she has any idea of. 

This year Zoë has not only gained an awareness of her own autonomy and personality but continues to express her empathy and concern for the world and others by feeling deeply.  We are reminded daily by her relational driven spirit that our words matter, our spirits affects others and that laughing is the best source of exhale.

Zoë continues to ADORE books, her dollhouse, creativity and lives in a rich imagination.  She has embraced the unknowns in tackling skating, swimming, making new friends and attending Sunday school.  She loves to have loud music in the car, drag our 8 year old tabby cat around the house & talk on the phone with her close people. 

Above all she continues to create space for those who need it.

& if that’s all we are able to impart on her, that making space and room for your own voice and the voice of others is a sacred and beautiful thing that creates a compassion, grace and love in a world that needs it. 

Happy birthday to the one full of life.

Family birthday party deco

In the run of the days, months, seasons and years of being together… treating Jeremy isn’t always easy. He’s easy going, not one for attention and doesn’t take himself too seriously.

Turning thirty, to me, seems to warrant more than just a gift and a card.

How much he has changed

We often joke how much we have changed since we were those 16-18 year olds flirting with each other. Jeremy was very reserved and shy when we first met. He’d flirt, as only a 16 year old can do, but he would often shut down in crowds and become closed off. I never understood this as I would find him fully engaging and wonderful one on one. Often my own version of rough housing and ‘romping’ around with someone I love wouldn’t translate with him and he would struggle to fully laugh and find the humour in just being silly for silly sake.

& this is the amazing thing about growing together and encouraging each other to grow into more.

I am proud of Him

This man laughs quicker now. My romping and silly word play is now met with one up man ship and although he is still the more reserved out of the both of us, it is now out of a quiet confidence. (& ya’ll, there’s nothing more sexy than quiet confidence…)

He plays with our daughter and entertains her whims while also training her up to be thoughtful and encourages her voice.

16 year old Jeremy may have just wanted to flirt with a girl over msn and share a smoothie, but 30 year old Jeremy has taught me that life is not stagnate. It’s possible to become over and over again and how important it is to listen to each other and dig deeper to find out how to better grow in our own unique and glorious ways.

Burgers & Beers & Darrells - Halifax, NS

At the Timberlounge - Halifax NS

No one tells you that the older you get the more you love yourself and the better life can be. Sure, there are always battles, trials and heavy situations to journey... but just having the opportunity to wake up and inhale a new day and get at life is an incredible honour. To live and breathe in fresh air is the biggest gift. 

If anything, I am journeying this last year in my twenties with a deeper sense of awareness of how much I have changed and become since turning 20. Amy then in many ways is foreign to me, and yet, the Amy now still has that core within her. I am still addicted to stories, musicals, raw emotional music and driving solo with the windows down and the volume turned on the loudest notch. I still dance and organize every inch of my life. 

Yet. 

I have shifted and learned more about what it means to be Amy. All of her. As she is. Without approval, affection, adoration. 

I have learned what it’s like to walk alone and yet not feel alone. I have learned to breathe and I have learned what my middle name really and truly means.  

Here’s to this last year of my twenties and whatever else they have left for me. 

Birthday Rosé

Clarity.

There is something about this birthday, this year, this moment in time where I am stepping into a new clarity.  A clarity I haven't been able to grasp onto before.  This is different.

If anything 27 taught me, it was to make.  Make with abandon and without reason.  Good things come from making and clarity comes while one is in absolute abandon to their own inhibitions.  Deciding to write and produce 'The Mom Show' has delivered me into a new comprehension of my own skills, worth and passions.

28.  It's a year I feel called to be incredulous with my work and my reach.  I can clearly see the time in which I need to set aside to pour into projects and I can clearly see how my focus will not only bleed into my own joy and peace but also into the atmosphere around me.  

It is daunting to know that when I toasted 28 I was also welcoming in a new sense of 'limitlessness'.  The word of my 27th year has journeyed with me and now I have come to a new word.  

Claim.  Alongside Incredulous.  To believe that what I have been given, no matter how incredulous it may seem, has a life in this world.  Call it daring, call it wild, call it whatever you will.  

Whatever 'this' is, this is what I was made for. 

Zoë Wing Zhe Lai - Two Years Old.

Coming alongside this little spirit to raise her into her place in this world has created an evolution in us.  Finding more purpose, meaning and intention in the 'dailys'.  Letting go of the unnecessary, making time for what creates a whole, healthy and functioning family, and growing deeper in a sense of individuality within all of that.

Two years of life has uncovered her independent nature.  There is nothing more stunning than seeing a little woman assert herself and her discernment of her own readiness astounds us.  When she has decided she is ready to learn a new skill, word or game, nothing will stop her.  She has also the patience to wait for her own spirit and body to catch up.  She will not be rushed or pushed into anything.

Peanut Butter Cupcake Cones - Family Tradition

Two years of solidifying our little family and learning about each other.  Quiet moments before the days end, all of us in the bed, even the cat, snuggled in and we inhale that scent of togetherness.

Two years of uncovering her incredible personhood.  

Thankful for this little spirit full of life, for her health, her nature, her ups and her downs.  Every year with her is a blessing.