Baby Showers & 10th Birthday Parties: Tablescape with food and potted mini succulents.

One only needs to turn on the news to recognize that life is full of atrocities, problems and traumatic happenings. We could easily soak in the words of the angriest rant of the latest news cycle and forget to help plant seeds for the future. Seeds that will potentially and eventually grow into sprouts that will reach as high as they can to provide shade, bloom and harvest for ourselves and those who come ahead of us.

Milestones are these seeds of opportunity.

They allow us to take a moment, look at how far we have come, and also create a pause for connection to the hope and promise of what may come after.

This year, I decided to put myself back into reclaiming milestones as memories and investments in the future.

Amythest birthday cake made by an Auntie.

Reaching the tenth year of mothering has provided me with a decade of intensified personal growth and healing. Each year she lives is a year I am challenged to reparent and mother myself in a new way, while also witnessing the incredible individuality and journey of another spirit that is separate from me, yet made possible by me. Taking the mindful time to throw her a birthday party and delve into her interests is an honour as well as an investment in my own journey as a mother and woman. To practice witnessing her is to practice witnessing myself.

—

It’s safe to say I was zero percent prepared for my long-distance best friend to announce she was pregnant. Her child-free, independent life, which I lived vicariously through, had been a mainstay throughout my ten-year journey as a parent. I had never considered that it might be my turn to follow along on her journey, waving my proverbial pom-poms as she evolved and gave birth to a new life and a new era of herself.

Celebrating these special moments was like pulling an ace card out of my sleeve and claiming one celebratory way to hold on to hope for the future, despite the turmoil that can threaten to overtake.

Ace of Hearts.

Spending this much time deep in words and the craft of memoir essays is taking its toll. It’s lonely as much as it is healing.
This last year has been a beautiful battle between the lonely solo road and the side paths I find that bring solidarity, wonder and beautiful chaos into the journey.
I don’t know who I will find inside myself when I graduate and turn 37 next year - but whoever she is becoming...

She’s been writing a garden for herself, and maybe—just maybe—you’ll get to see it, too.

Onwards,

Chapter Thirty-Five

An invitation to turn the page.
An invitation to press the plot forward.
An invitation to open up and uncover even more.
What twists are before me?
What revelations are around the bend?

I am more whole and healed than I was last year.
I am more engaged with the underlayers of what has caused generational trauma in my family.
I am more awake to manipulative behaviours and how they manifest themselves within each person.
I am more alive to my intellect and depth of thought.
I am more aware of when and why I experience nervous system dysregulation.
I am more in tune with my core family unit and the few friends that last a lifetime.

I am more of this version of me.
& I am saying yes to this invitation to turn the page to enter the new turns in chapter 35.

34 notations, lessons, observations and gold found.

*In no particular order.

1. Pursue the deep, the wonder and the voiceless…there is always gold in what has not yet been given light.

2. Anyone that leaves you behind has lost the plot. Their time in your story has passed and if they resurface, only you can say if they belong in the new pages of your story or not.

3. Resist the temptation to repeat old patterns / ways of connecting. You do it different.

4. No one wants to leave you. They simply haven’t healed themselves enough to stay.

5. You have the strongest ties to the ones that will be there for the worst of it all. Give those ties a tug when needed. They’ll be there.

6. Your bit of earth is rich and vibrant. Watch it grow and cultivate it during the quiet seasons. Quiet doesn’t mean fallow.

7. Everything that is inside you that tells you are unintelligent is a lie. Your intelligence moves mountains not only outwardly but on the insides of others. Don’t hide your processing and thoughts. It’s your calling to share.

8. Celebrate every win. Don’t shy away from being proud.

9. Listen to your gut. It has never steered you wrong.

10. If you thought ‘family’ was a word to pitch your tent to, think again. Learn. Connect and learn again.

11. Lean not on others, but stand upright on the two feet you were given.

12. Take up space and hold space in every room you walk into.

13. Reject every 'othering’ narrative that seeks to control a room.

14. Embrace the woman and mothering ways that only you uniquely inhabit.

15. Work on what you are aware of, stay learning and work some more.

16. Be the friend you need and want… but draw the line at being used and sucked dry.

17. Process every wound and give it air. Work to find it’s best healing and do not deny its presence and process.

18. Expect more from yourself. You are already capable of more than you realize.

19. If you were told to let someone else do it in your childhood / young adult years, give it a go alone. See if you are capable. (you probably are.)

20. Drive. Stay independant. Never let fear drive the car.

21. Dress to please you and how you want to present yourself. Not for anyone else.

22. When faced with misogyny / sexual misconduct, do not accept the blame. Call out the toxic patriarchy and let your words speak for themselves.

23. Stay courageous, vulnerable and open….and share when you feel safe.

24. Rather than letting them define you, define yourself.

25. Travel when it suits you. If it doesn’t, don’t. If it does, do.

26. You always know when it’s time for a change. Your restless heart beat will let you know.

27. Others won’t be ready for your changes, but you will be. Let that be enough.

28. Protect your independence and ability to stand on your own two feet. Question anyone who wants to make you dependant.

29. Question anyone who puts you on a pedestal.

30. “Just between us” is a death sentence.

31. Move your body. You will always feel better after.

32. Anyone you have loved has gotten a glimpse of heaven through your love…don’t discredit your heart and what you have given.

33. Stay witty. You are a firecracker and they love that about you. (& it keeps you alive for yourself)

34. Stay you. Stay Amy freaking Grace.

This raw, vulnerable, tender, precious, heartbreaking, comedic, enraging, and simply beautiful life makes me utterly weak in the knees.

With every project created, conversation shared, moment observed, and words found I have been deeply honoured to have experienced and made anew.

Life is beautiful.
Life is hard.
&
Life is wild.

So with wild and raw words
onwards I go.

Another year in lockdown during my birthday.

In many ways, it was discouraging to be changing plans, yet again.

In other ways, it was a delicious opportunity to go inward and truly reflect on what another year of my life has meant and what another year of life to live could mean.

If I was to put my finger on something,

it would be those moments of quiet questions that have led and continue to lead towards the deeper and more important questions.

What are you called to do, now, with others?

This can be difficult to look at within the confines of a pandemic.

I would like to think that my world is vast, my connections and work is large, and that in fact I am called to create space for many, many people.

This is not untrue.

I also think that a habit of mine, and any of us in a world of so much access, is get caught up in the dizzying ‘much-ness’ of the world.

What came with the pandemic restrictions has been a grappling, and a true reality check to make us rethink what access and connection means.

We still scroll and listen and have our ties in places that far outreach us.

Yet,

How do we show up to those in front of us?

How do we show up for those far away?

There is a movement I have noticed.

What are you going to do when the pandemic is over?
When life is back to normal, what are your goals?

I am sensing in my deep spirit not to go back to that type of thinking.

I am called to go back to that guttural core of me and create that space in the here and now with the way things are today.

So a declaration that is happening in my thirty-second year is to continue the work with those who are in my space today. To honour the project ideas and work to adapt to the confines of any given moment.

Going back to what was, is to say that all that once was, was good and healthy.

I think we all know that 24/7 life was not a healthy route we all were taking.
I think we all have seen what baking bread, time to reassess our values, raise our kids, muddle in the quiet, struggle with the heartbreak of a world still so broken, and the senseless inhuman treatment of so many …

We need to humanize ourselves and our callings again.
To humanize ourselves means we are one step closer to humanizing ‘the others’.

Strip it back and see what we all have left to work on, cultivate and create.

So much potential in the human life if we but give ourselves the chance and space to sort, muse, ponder, wonder, and be moved into action.

Big.

Small.

or simply.

the one thing we can do today for ourselves and those who inhabit our space.

In the end,

it’s all a ripple affect.

Onwards to 32.

taken by Jasmine Alexander at ‘The Watch that Ends the Night’ , Dartmouth, NS.

Thirty.

The turning over into a new decade. Something worth celebrating.

10 new years to sink deeper into who I am, where I am called and discovering gold in the corners of life.

Many things are being left in my twenties, things that made me new and things that forced me to grow despite my own fear.

What I am taking into my thirties.

That seat at the table

I am not questioning the seats that open up for me anymore, and neither am I going to continue doubting wether the fold up chair under my arm will match enough with others at the table. It’s apparent that I have work to do in this world that is uniquely and specifically mine to show up for.

A unique voice.

I am permitting and embracing my own unique voice to exist outside of my own perceived safety zones. Pushing back and letting my voice represent me has been an incredible journey thus far and continues to bring me closer to the One who made me.

A well rounded intelligence

I am celebrating the intelligence that resides within me. I have had incredible experiences so far, both personally and professionally that have led me to where I am. What I add to a team, a vision or just in conversation is so worthy. Each experience grows us when we stay open to it.

Relationships that go both ways

I am lavish and loyal in relationships. In embracing my unique love languages and how I best connect both personally and professionally, I am enlightened to realize that my worn out spirit has choices. Investing in personal and professional relationships that can thrive with a healthy amount of expressive interaction, space and trust is everything for this next decade.

Delicious food both healthy and indulgent

I am healed by the act of taking in delicious food. I have learned that at the dining table I have found an awareness of myself and others that has left me inspired, encouraged and made new again. To share that experiences with those I love and continue to grow my pallet is an exciting adventure.

That comedic take on life

I am anchored by humour through every season. I didn’t realize how much laughter I had been raised on until I started raising my own child. Finding the laughter in even the toughest season is where I am the best of me.

Embracing every inch of my strong capable body

I am incredibly capable as I am. I am daily practicing to love every inch of what I have. Long legs, short torso, aging hands, crinkly eyes, stretch marks, high cheek bones, sharp eyes that disappear when I smile... All of it. It’s mine to celebrate until I die.

All that strong visioning skills

I can see projects, ideas, concepts, styles, etc before they are created. I have an incredible eye for design & creation. I won’t be letting that sit idle. Time to use it with joy.

Gut instinct

I am insightful and it’s easy to disregard when faced to explain it to someone who doesn’t sense the same thing, but enough life has passed for me to realize that it’s a skill to trust and not doubt.

The raw vulnerability

I have journeyed some incredibly tough situations the past ten years and through it all, what does remain is a raw vulernability that I have learned is a strength. Hard to feel strong about that when in the middle of a ‘storm’ but it continues to be what has kept me going, thriving and learning. That raw vulnerability may feel terrible in the moment, but it has moved mountains I am only just now learning about.

& with those tucked close, onward I go, into the next decade of learning, loving and luscious living.

No one tells you that the older you get the more you love yourself and the better life can be. Sure, there are always battles, trials and heavy situations to journey... but just having the opportunity to wake up and inhale a new day and get at life is an incredible honour. To live and breathe in fresh air is the biggest gift. 

If anything, I am journeying this last year in my twenties with a deeper sense of awareness of how much I have changed and become since turning 20. Amy then in many ways is foreign to me, and yet, the Amy now still has that core within her. I am still addicted to stories, musicals, raw emotional music and driving solo with the windows down and the volume turned on the loudest notch. I still dance and organize every inch of my life. 

Yet. 

I have shifted and learned more about what it means to be Amy. All of her. As she is. Without approval, affection, adoration. 

I have learned what it’s like to walk alone and yet not feel alone. I have learned to breathe and I have learned what my middle name really and truly means.  

Here’s to this last year of my twenties and whatever else they have left for me. 

Birthday Rosé

Clarity.

There is something about this birthday, this year, this moment in time where I am stepping into a new clarity.  A clarity I haven't been able to grasp onto before.  This is different.

If anything 27 taught me, it was to make.  Make with abandon and without reason.  Good things come from making and clarity comes while one is in absolute abandon to their own inhibitions.  Deciding to write and produce 'The Mom Show' has delivered me into a new comprehension of my own skills, worth and passions.

28.  It's a year I feel called to be incredulous with my work and my reach.  I can clearly see the time in which I need to set aside to pour into projects and I can clearly see how my focus will not only bleed into my own joy and peace but also into the atmosphere around me.  

It is daunting to know that when I toasted 28 I was also welcoming in a new sense of 'limitlessness'.  The word of my 27th year has journeyed with me and now I have come to a new word.  

Claim.  Alongside Incredulous.  To believe that what I have been given, no matter how incredulous it may seem, has a life in this world.  Call it daring, call it wild, call it whatever you will.  

Whatever 'this' is, this is what I was made for.