Who Do You Think You Are? (why the call is more important than the fear)
"Who do you think you are?"
Every time I stand up to act, dance, sing or write, I have a fleeting moment that I believe I am an imposter. I am sure that by now it doesn't look like I am struggling. That is what being a performer is all about. You don't show the audience your fear. You bring out the part of you that 'could' be confident and you stand in that 0.2% of yourself. Confident.
This was my year in theatre school.
Twenty-four and leaving a well broken in career for early morning rolling on the floor, yelling at the top of my lungs, singing out rhythms and creating theatrical montages with my body.
"Who do you think you are? You imposter!"
I saw the looks, heard the confusion and I felt the judgement.
No matter which way you cut it, I was doing something many people thought I had already gotten out of my system. The academics and MFA majors cannot fathom why an already careered adult would want to venture into a one year training program for the stage.
I decided my fear was less important than being true to the strong calling on my spirit. I decided I would rather be an imposter then not at all.
I spent over eight months studying the performing arts. It was everything I had dreamed. Beautiful early mornings stretching my body and exploring every inch of my soul. I was pushed. I was given the floor to explore the wounds within my spirit.
"Reach for more!" I was told as I danced around a dress shirt. A symbol for the people who have left.
"You are more intelligent than you think you are." I was pulled aside after an in-depth discussion in class.
"You have a powerhouse voice, now you just need to know how to harness it." He said after a practice.
"Who do you think you are?" echoes like heels in an empty hall.
And I am here to tell you it still does.
The dark stiletto heels echo in my ears every time I stand up and say yes to doing what I was called to do.
And every time I say yes, there will also be a crowd of people with furrowed eyebrows and whispered thoughts behind doors.
And thats okay.
I am venturing into new terriority and as a stunning spirit declared truth over coffee.
"You better know who you are, because that voice is coming the more you step out."
If you step out, the voice is going to come.
It is going to whisper over your shoulder and it will make you quiver with doubt. But the call is deeper. The call is raw with dew and ready for you to step into.
I am here with hands open, ready to take yours into this journey of the unknown. Where the voice of doubt grows louder and the call keeps us running faster and faster.
I want to run with you.
I want to dance with you.
I want to light a sparkler with you.
I want to stand with you.