Exposure
Believing I was exposed to other races & cultures because my elementary school had one black family & one Muslim family.

Pocahontas 1995
For years, we sang and quoted every misplaced word and historical fact in that Disney musical.

“I don’t see colour.”
A normalized statement.

Asian Caricatures
I saw something amusing.  He saw something hurtful.

Accent Portrayals
Mimicking others’ speech patterns because it sounds amusing.

Slurs
Realizing this can be yelled at you from a distance.

Chinese Food in Canada.
All that takeout…’ Moo goo Gai Pan’ and the like … it’s catered to your North American palate.

*The authentic food is ordered on Mandarin / Cantonese menus*

Chinese Fortune Cookies
Not Chinese; they also do this for just ‘you.’

Knowing / Having
Friendships/relationships with those who are BIPOC or of different cultures do not mean you know ‘all’ experiences.

Racial Identity
It’s not based on appearance, language, or cultural exposure alone.
It’s Personal
It can change.

How Systematic Racism Rose It’s Ugly Head In & Around Me… is a small sample size personal reflection of how embedded racism existed within the culture, society, and actions around and subsequently found its passive voice within me. These items are not the only examples but the red flags that have cropped up clearly over the years.
Unravelling the limiting belief that I am ‘blameless’ in my actions and portrayals of those around me has been an eye-opening, decade-long, and ongoing journey. I still catch myself falling prey to stereotypes, belief systems, and catch-all phrases that continue harmful narratives.
Humanity is fallible, and it seems that, above all else, humanity loves to ‘other’ others.
In all of this, what I have learned to be true:

In setting aside ego, assumptions and critiques, we find open-heartedness, delightful surprises and real understanding.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Heart dropping to the pit of my stomach mid-conversation
Their words felt like shards of glass

Rise of anxiety attack symptoms
Sore Tongue, tingling hands, heart beating while trying to sleep

Patterns / Cycles
I could see patterns repeat themselves

Retreating
Only wanting my safe people

Dysregulation
Overwhelm even when at rest

Distrust
I didn’t feel safe even before I arrived

Distraction Deep Dives
I’d rather be ruminating in the latest world happening

Searching for outside support
Therapist / Counselor dreaming / hunting

They were telling me what I should think
I knew it was my story to process

Professional Confirmation / Affirmations
Finding out my deepest wounds have names.

How I realized it was time to heal… was written out of response to the long journey of seeking and finding a therapist/counsellor that not only could hold space for my specific life and faith but also call out and help me put names to all that has held me, hostage. 

Having a family doctor who helped me identify my generalized anxiety, I was empowered to start the journey to get to the root of where it began. Digging up the roots of childhood wounds, generational trauma, and a spider web of undiagnosed mental health disorders within my family tree is work but work worth doing. 
I am not interested in the blame game, but I am interested in the healing game - and I’ll spend this decade of my life working towards understanding myself and the environment that made me better.

None of us are immune to childhood wounds, trauma and life happenings. To be human is to bleed, and it is also human to seek healing.  Physically, spiritually and mentally.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
His parting words after he was done playing around with me.

“No one interfered with your relationships.”
Telling me what he needed to hear to make himself feel better about how damaged us children were from his/their own adult choices.

”No one wants to hear you talk about how much you love your body.”
His feedback on my written monologue about body love journey because I am size small.

“You don’t need that.”
His lack of understanding of how much I may actually need something in order to be paid more as a woman.

“They need us.”
What he said with an understanding of what makes a deep long lasting relationship when I was the most broken and confused.

“You have a thing with words”
His recognition of a craft I was leaning into.

“You are the dream”
What he says as he pulls me close as we fall asleep at night.

“It’s Amy Grace!”
His greeting in a professional setting.

How His Words Carry Weight was written from a selection of statements from various men which have both harmed and healed me. Through these statements I have learned the nature of power dynamics, manipulation, true respect, growth and even deep love.
Calling out these statements is a choice for healing and baring witness to that which hinders and that which heals.
I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

First Career at Age 21
What can I like that I can easily afford the training for on my own?

Married at 22
Because we couldn’t move forward in our sexuality / personal lives together unless we were married.

Wedding #1
Opting out of decisions in order to keep the peace.

Small Talk
Sales, sports, the weather… when all I want to do is talk about trauma, scarcity, provocative art, local happenings…

Alcohol / Tattoos
Avoiding the topic because they wouldn’t approve / understand.

Extended Family Time
Working to make each member feel seen while feeling more and more unseen.

Feigning Agreement
Agreeing to avoid confrontation or a need to defend a thought.

How I’ve Split Myself Up to Please Them… is a selection of reflections of choices and moments in my life where I can identify the act of putting a part of myself on a shelf in order to not rock the boat.
Although much of these I have worked to create wholeness and healing from, I recognize that being a whole person takes consistent forever work.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Reward Systems

How well you perform under pressure determines how praised and holy you are.
Double points if you have a good memory and can navigate the Bible quickly.
Triple points if you bring a friend.
Quadruple points if you give your allowance at tithe time.

Attendance
Miss a Sunday?
Quietly judging you while slipping passive aggressive comments your way.

Dating
Does the leadership / youth pastor approve?

Involvement
Prerequisites
Must attend all of the following: morning service, evening service, meeting, practice, home group, study group, outreach, missions trip, ladies / mens breakfasts, special service, prayer night…etc.etc.

Seating placement
Closer to the front, the more serious about your faith you are.
Act accordingly and choose wisely

Personal Issues?
We will tell you what is best and you will accept our guidance.
Disagreeing is disagreeing with ‘truth’.

Mental Health Struggles?
Pray more.

Community?
Only happens in this building and in sanctioned home groups / events

Pop Culture
Will use references for quippy sermon slides and advertising.
Reserved rights to critique, snark and vilify any and all mainstream art and hot topic events.
****War films and the Lord of the Rings Franchise do not apply.****

Lights, Camera, Action
The higher the production value, the closer to God.

Giving
10% and all your time.
& then give more, it’s never enough.

How the North American Mega Church Movement Affected Me is a reflection on my upbringing in an evangelical mega church. It is not lost on me that the word ‘corporate’, a word predominately used in business settings was used routinely to remind members of the group ‘togetherness’ in any activity.
My personal experience growing up in a mega church felt sterile, systematic, tiered, controlled, cold and unattainable.

Since leaving this model of faith practice at age 17 I have experienced different and more positive expressions of faith and spiritual community. Although I still carry a faith and spiritual practice, how I practice and express that today looks and feels different.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Motherhood

It was never supposed to be a one-size-fits-all but a unique role…like an individual fingerprint.

Only ‘you’ can hold that imprint.

It’s yours to design.

Report Cards

They were never a true reflection of my full intelligence,

merely a report on how well I assimilated into one mould of learning.

Gender Roles

The script about our roles and identity was a constructed play developed by culture.

What we do with our roles is entirely up to ourselves.

Scarcity

The high vigilance to protect ‘what is’

keeps us restrained from the abundance of ‘what can be’.

Fear

Its job was not to keep you frozen in place. 
Its job was to nudge you to move in the direction you need to move best for you.

Expectations

They were never going to be satisfied with how you fulfilled their hopes and ideals.
Inhale, exhale.
You are enough.

Limitations

They can be torn down; it just takes work.

Things I Am Learning to Unlearn was written after realizing how much I was processing through old belief systems. Everything from one’s childhood to one’s adulthood, we collect ‘so-called’ truths from our environments and ultimately, if we are privileged and aware enough, spend the entirety of our lives unlearning what we took on that was never ours to believe in the first place.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

“They/Them vs. We/Us”
Elevating our perspectives, experiences and perceived knowledge by keeping anyone believed as ‘other’ in a category of ‘they/them.’

Identifying a human being with the identifier of ‘Clown / Fool / Idiot/use of a Clown Emoji’.
In the arena of supposed adult intellectual conversation, leveraging and permitting the art of playground name-calling.
A Special Note:
On a School playground, we call this bullying.
In the arena of adults: this is still called bullying.

“Must Be Nice”
Words said to make you feel unsettled in what you have, subsequently diminishing the struggles of what you don’t have.
A Special Note:
The Dictionary defines this as jealousy.

Use of “Hun/Hunny” and other pet names in conflict.
To degrade, dismiss and control the concerns/narratives of another.

“Are you sure this is the hill you want to die on?”
Because they took it and they think you should too.

“It’s okay."
Used to assure you that the rise of alarm bells within you doesn’t matter.

“Fake”
Diminishing a person with one word to control the narrative.

How We Dehumanize Others was written from a place of trauma and ache.
We walk on this earth in such a vulnerable state as humans, and yet we rarely take a minute to look around us. No comparison is needed, no dressing down required, and no mic drop moment desired to recognize we are all mere humans surviving on this earth.

A gradual conviction grew in me over the past decade where I recognized how I, those around me and anyone could so easily strip another person's human identity from them with mere words.

Our words can be as resounding as a gun.

& for this ‘I Never Promised,’ I specifically want to highlight the Evangelical Christians who raised me. The ones who spout words online as if it’s their right, yet how often do they pause and think about the words they use? The vitriol they are spilling all over the screens of others. For what?

Solidarity?

For Christians, there should be a higher standard in words, yet the lack of care, tenderness and compassion so often shakes me.

I have been dehumanized not just by people's callous statements but also by those who raised me. Who so easily strip me of my humanity with how they talk about my profession, friends, colleagues and life.

We must demand more from ourselves.

More from our humanity.

& especially more from the practice of a faith which claims Grace as its saviour.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts that are often considered taboo.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Text : How They Train You Out of Yourself - I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It…

If you want to keep your averages up, you’ll have to take a lower-level class.
Genuine interest and passion cannot compete with test scores.

Look right, look left, one of you will be gone by the end of the year.
Fear-based training.

Our job is to tear you down to build you into something different.
Forced to leave yourself behind.

You need to grow thicker skin.
Emotion has no place in this world.

You haven’t lived long enough yet.
An introduction to ageism and how it decides your understanding of trauma.

“No one listens to skinny pretty women.”
Appearance decides relevancy.

How They Train You Out of Yourself is a small selection of moments from my educational journey. Looking back, I am mortified at what I accepted as normal, part of the process, and often direct minimization of my intelligence as a young woman.
At the outset, we train children to only lean into and use their natural skill set rather than support them as they explore the various interests they may hold, no matter their skill or lack thereof. From that place, we are sent out to be trained, often grasping at straws at our possible value.
The underlying motivator in most professional practice training is fear, and we allow that to drive the narrative in lectures, testing, mentorship and in-field training.
Supporting this narrative creates a breeding ground for bullying in the forms of 'power imbalance’, gender-based discrimination, and racism, to name a few.

My healing back to myself has not come from the training I have received but from the constant and persistent demand from myself that I prohibit anyone and anything from discrediting my value as a whole person, body, mind and soul. Any words or actions said or done in any way to devalue my humanity are unacceptable to me now.

From that place of healing and respect for my humanity, I have found the mentors, teachers, and colleagues that teach, collaborate, and work with me in solidarity and raise me into my highest, most capable self.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts that are often considered taboo.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Off white background with text : How They Lean on Her. I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… byamygrace.

Thank-you Cards.

All the gracious women do.

Say Yes.

Nothing is more important than prioritizing this.

Starting a family.

Every proper woman’s to do list.

Second, third child?

Don’t disappoint us.

Professional Family Photos

Everyone must know you have your priorities straight.

Sports and music lesson registrations.

All the good moms do.

Where have you been?

Nothing is more important than seeing me.

At home.

Be a productive member of society.

At work.

Don’t be selfish.

She does it.  Why can’t you?

Her success is your failure.

How They Lean on Her was written in 2022 after reflecting on the many explicit and implicit ways women carry the load of those around them.
This is not an extensive list, but a sampling of the various notations tucked away women have been trained to remember that cause strain. Even ladders have load baring instructions.
If I would suggest anything for us as humans and society to work towards, it is to actively offer women a way out of these ways of thinking. To take the load off our words and assumptions so easily placed on ‘her’ shoulders and mindfully get to know the ‘her’ that is naturally and wholly ‘individual’ in front of us.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts that are often considered taboo.

8.

Pulled into a bear hug.

Things strange men did.

14.

A family conversation on my shirt.

Because I had breasts now.

19.

Sitting inside a bank watching the men talk.

About money that is mine.

22.

“Let’s keep this between us.”

Secrets he convinced me to keep.

23.

“She’s loose.”

Because I responded to being seen.

25.

Heart beating with keys in hand.

Stalked in my favourite bookstore.

26.

“So you’ll be at home now.”

Assumptions made on my motherhood.

27.

“I don’t listen to pretty skinny women.”

He thought he’d make me a teaching tool.

32.

Scolded for sharing my strengths.

They taught me pride is a sin.

*and to be clear.

That is not even the half of it.

How the Patriarchy Found Its Way Inside of Me flew out of me in the Spring of 2022. I was feeling the weight of the feminine experience. Moments I heard about. Moments I lived. We often are not aware of the importance of our experiences until we lay them out on the table to be examined more closely.

In this piece, I lay out the age I was during these moments and what occurred. I was jarred to see how the ages often had multiple experiences. Here I chose to limit them to the ones that caused the strongest ripple effect through my life and how they altered my thinking.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts that are often considered taboo.