The Dalhousie Swing Dance Society has graciously asked me to MC their now annual Halifax Swing Exchange of 2014.
"You're Intentionally Amy." My Grandmother says with a smile back to me, often after I let how I truly feel slip out in ways that aren't always delicate. Delicate was never something I felt described me, so this whole middle name of Grace thing didn't mean anything to me. Not until I realized that Grace had a whole other definition outside 'graceful like a ballerina'.
Before this small website, there was "Amy: With Intentions". At the time it was a dare to myself to learn how to write again. A weekly exercise to get me writing and focus on the things I felt were important as I walked into my twenties. I didn't know it then, but that was the journey back to my core. It took some years but Amy With Intentions became a blog I was happy with leaving behind and focusing on other things. The concept of intentional living had sunk deep within my soul and somehow became a part of me.
Intentional means to drop your expectations of the moment you are in. It means that you are in the 'here and now' and you will be and find out what 'this now' means. Eating a simple lunch brings a whole new expierence when it is done with intention. A pinterest board made out of wishful thinking becomes a vision board full of potential and action. An autumn walk becomes a journey for your soul... Anything and everything becomes a whole new expierence when intention is involved!
Breathing becomes a moment to remember, and when I write words on my chalk board painted fridge I think different, because words carry intentions and energy. I may as well grasp this intentional thing for all its worth and write quotes and things that will inspire, move and help create a better place.
So I choose the intentional life because the alternative is a side of me that brings nothing good. I can be destructive, and so can anyone really. I found a way to get to the best of me, and it's not me doing it. I call it out right here and now. It is a deeper calling on my heart and I know that God places desires in each of us, and for me it is to live fully and grasp the moments, so maybe intentional is my natural and most best place to be
Either way. I do it
This intentional life.
I live it.
©2014 Jeremy Lai
The past thirteen weeks have been the most humbling weeks of my life. I assume that the humbling has just begun, because you see... I am carrying a life. A life completely different from me. A life full of unique possibilities and although it may share half of my DNA it has a unique voice that I cannot speak to.
We are calling 'it' Roo while we wait for the big ultrasound appointment coming up in about a month or so. Names have been picked out but wait for delivery day to get used and for now Roo, because of Kangaroos ... and if anyone knows Winnie the Pooh, I need not explain.
Considering myself to be 'A Maker' this is about as 'Maker' as one can get. This growing belly, heart beat inside of me, and purging my stomach of foods and smells I cannot stand. This is the ultimate making. I am a factory for life, dreams, hopes and personality.
This hasn't been easy, this morning sickness thing. We mamas brave the storm of life and vomit in all sorts of places. Cars, parking lots, garbage cans, toilets...other peoples toilets... we do what we can to stay hydrated and fed, but the truth is, it is the ultimate test.
Can you take care of your child's mother the way she deserves?
It would be so easy to skip the water and the meals... trust me,.... when you are vomiting daily...the concept of meals becomes a chore and for a fooide like me, well, utterly disappointing.
I have felt a little less than.
Sure, I get it, the hormones do that. But the 'doer' and the 'maker' of me is yelling daily. "Get up! GO! Do it all! Dance, write, sing, party, don't be slaking!"
I let it slip out a time or too.
"I am not making anything of worth right now!"
A woman or two scowl in reply.
"You are making a human being of major worth right now!"
And I slump back and realize that the purging of my stomach and the whole shift of my life is for the health and goodness for a tiny soul inside, and for me as well. Because becoming a mama isn't a sentence for an artist. It's a blessing.
A child's eyes have the wonder every writer, painter, dancer, singer, musician needs and I will be drenched in it. However this tiny life comes out, I will see life new and different because of it, and that will only make me better for it.
So I guess the morning routine of pee, vomit-in-garbage-can , and husband passes breakfast to slowly digest, is all worth it, and truly... how amazing is this growing belly?
©2014 Jeremy Lai
I choose Grace again and again. It's inescapable. Not only because it is my middle name but because it is the call on this world. It is the concept we all are living under if we only just grabbed the keys that hang around our necks. We all have grace keys. We all have grace moments and we all have the ability to pass on a grace key to someone else.
I freely talk about that time I did the unthinkable. That time that swept me off my feet and made me think I was made out of heart break and endless pain. Comments were made from sideliners, from the grace-holders who kept it hidden in fists instead of in open palms, and I was trashed. I wasn't worth the risk or the comments of nothing more than disgust. I was that bride who chose to throw the veil in the trash can because I couldn't fathom a way out. So I torched a union for something that glittered gold in moments. And the glitter moments, they were real and messed up, because that is how it is with people who are lost...they make unions in pain and they connect over loss and emotions run ragged from running.
Running from Grace.
Everyone was running from Grace.
Everyone around that scene were grace-key-holders, stuffing them in the deepest pockets they could find because they couldn't comprehend how passing a key to three messed up spirits could solve the mystery they couldn't relate to.
And when it was all said and done and everyone was in their corners of destructed love and lies .... it was all just a hopeless mess.
But something happens in the hopeless. Grace-keys shine , and those who can get over the egos, the pain, the denial and the rift of people trashing, they grasp the key and hold it out...they would rather pass on grace then let anymore of this continue.
And I tell you this, because this Canadian-Church raised girl in a generation of God-Isn't-Real, found more in a Grace that is gifted than in the solutions of this world.
I tell you this because I am watching all these broken stories and I want to hold my key high and shout Grace at the sky. I want to cry with the hearts rather than ignore them. I want to gather the men and women who found solace in each other, broke one another and tell them I understand. That Grace understands. That there isn't a messed up moment that couldn't be redeemed. I want to tell them that I have seen miracles and I have seen new life come out of the cemetery of my dead one.
I want to sing and dance Grace all over these hearts because they need it, they will thrive in it, and I know that my Grace giving God has more in store than just blood and a cross. There is everything fresh and renewed and that show, it is not sold out, because it is yours and you are the honoured guest to a Grace-Event made just for you.
So stop withholding Grace from each other, because that cheating wife, and that sneaking man, and that desperate husband just needed Gods Grace.
I was that wife, and I couldn't have remarried a husband and found a whole new life if it wasn't for the messed up wedding and the Grace that was given to me.
Give Grace like you would give water to a thirsty man. Give grace even when the betrayal is deep and the circumstances bloody.
Give Grace because the alternative is a war within your spirit that you will never overcome.
----
The key I am wearing is from http://www.thegivingkeys.com where keys are made, bought and given. Read their story http://www.thegivingkeys.com/pages/about-us
I will be giving this key away this season to someone who needs Grace ... which is all of us.
©2014 Jeremy Lai
Sometimes I ask myself the question "Why write? Why write at all?"
It's a question that comes out from the dark places. The places I go to when things are not as intentional as I want them to be. Because, lets face it...I thrive on the intentional. I get energy, drive and life from inhaling an intention.
But even intentions get stale and become like bad morning breath that you can't seem to chase away.
So in those moments I ask myself why I do it at all... I know its a dumb question and I know I always and forever will be tripping over audible words in conversation only to quickly go and write it down and find myself there in the paragraphs all precise and clear.
But I have to ask.
And I always come back to.
I was made to be a word/story girl.
I know this.
It has come back to me again, and again.
After a book consumed, a new intention written down, a new story in progress, a new journal it all gives me the biggest rush that only a romance can give.
And thats it
I am in love with words and story. Head over heels, an addict really. I consume them like water in dessert.
I write because if I didn't, I would not be me. I would not be Amy Grace. Girl of intentional living with words and story as her harmony.
There are stacks and stacks of journals from age six onward that prove writing isn't just a hobby for me. Its a way of life. It is the way I find myself and reunite with my spirit and soul. Journals are not for the ones in denial, they cannot lie or tell a story a different way when things go different. Journals are the historical documentation of every idea, thought, dream, wish and attempt. These are the books that have helped me work through life one step at a time. And those gaps of times when I didn't write...when pages glare empty or a journal abandoned too early. Those are the markings of when I was in denial and recovery.
It is important to declare and remind ourselves of the reasons we do things.
Why do anything if we cannot reflect and find anew the intention behind our whys?
Whys are important.
If we can answer a 'why', we are giving ourselves and those around us a better version of us. An honest one.
I write because it is the part of me that always stays true. No matter what stage of life I am in, what other activities I do, what people are in my life , I will always be writing through those things.
I write, because somewhere inside of me, Amy Grace, is a heartbeat that lives for words and stories.
And right now my heart beats strong and healthy.
©2014 Jeremy Lai
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada is a Canadian East Coast treasure. Growing up just outside the city but always near the ocean I was everything typical of East Coast little girl. Every Sunday skipping rocks into the oceans surface of the Bedford Basin and spending summers in the almost deserted but still thrumming community of Sandford, Yarmouth, Nova Scotia at an old farm. The rock beach behind the farm being a treasure trove full of secret pirate notes planted by my grandfather. I didn't know any different. The salt water was engrained in me and the waves of an ocean were like the beats of my heart-dreams.
©2014 Jeremy Lai
It took a few formative life changing years to realize the East Coast Glory that I was raised in, is in my blood stream. The salty tears that stream down my face from time to time are Halifax, Nova Scotia made.
I wouldn't put it past you to think "Halifax...just a small city with some bag pipers and New Scotland history in the mix. Nothing special to sink your teeth into."
And that would be fine.
But I need to share... this City, this province is a treasure trove.
The city is small yes... in comparison with its East Coast competitors. Maine, New York City... they are all on steroids... but Halifax, it has gems.
The Nook on Gottingen opened and run by Mark Pavaloski and his glorious partner in crime Katie Roux - two dear friends who show hospitality that will blow you away.
The endless places to eat good food and have a good time with friends. The Board Room Cafe, Morris East, The Middle Spoon, and there is even a secret Speak Easy along Barrington Street if you can figure out the place and password that changes weekly.
The wind blows through the city streets reminding us to dream and move. The salt air infiltrates your lungs as you walk and there is nothing more relishing than a moment with your thoughts and the ocean air.
Neptune Theatre whom so dearly trained me for eight precious months sits as a becan of story among a city full of Indie theatre.
Red Swings litter the core waiting for anyone to take a journey
Halifax Local stores collaborate together and become a tie...
And East Coast Lifestyle...a clothing company that has boomed through the stores, instagram, online orders and journeyed across roads...stems from this very place.
Halifax is making its way on the map, and my roots are salty and deep here. My cheek is pressed to the moist dirt with the fog swirling around me.
That endless fog that comes with this east coast city...it is everything refreshing and cool to touch.
And when I returned to Halifax after an East Coast journey to New York City...I realized the truth of me:
Walking in Halifax City is a look at my heart.
This East Coast small city girl of Halifax, Nova Scotia decided that an adventure to New York City after eight months of theatre training was a necessary check mark. After all the classes, dedicated early mornings and learning, I felt I had to see this shiny city that spurs so many artists into action. It was a necessary and exciting journey to take on.
At first, the plans were with friends. Lovely travelers who bring life to everything that they do, and I was excited...and yet, we all felt that this trip, although necessary for me, was not necessary for everyone.
Plans changed.
A family traveled instead.
And walking in New York City was not less glamorous then it would have been with my best lady at my side. I felt her presence on my wrist (a key bracelet) as I journeyed the streets she had walked before.
I walked into Central Park as the first day progressed and with wild-city-wonder took in the nature that contrasted with the sudden city around it. Birds were loud as if demanding attention. Music laced with wind this jungle-city-park was full of moments I had to sink into my thoughts and try to find myself within it all. City. Nature. Nature. City.
I walked through Times Square and felt the hype, the drive for more...and yet my heart wasn't truly wanting 'things'. It was wanting 'stories'. Sifting through stores and although easy enough to release money into a cash register to receive clothes I don't usually allow myself, I was not given happiness, nor did I expect it. I knew the purchase of items was not my bag. I have a gift of saving and the gift of spending. I can save for what I need and I can spend for the sheer response of living a life that needs to be lived. Money is not to be glorified but used, as food is to the stomach, In and out, so money should be. The ebb and flow of receiving and using.
I entered "The Strand" and immediately felt at home. Finally, peace and courage within a simple but complex building of rows and rows of books. I could breathe easy here, it was inviting, normal, clean of thoughts...like one could blank slate and think from the start. There was a canvas bag that said it best for me "She has a way with WORDS, red lipstick & making an ENTRANCE. - Kate Spade"....along with four books I took these with me with pride, thinking I had a bit of my own heart to carry back home with me.
Phantom of the Opera 2014
Attending a Broadway show...a dream finally realized with the perfect white dress found for such an occasion. Showering luxioursly and taking my time relishing in the preparation. "Phantom of the Opera" was even more than I could ever hope it to be. The Majestic Theatre presented the show with elegance and standard one could only imagine of. All the mysterious phantom characteristics like a thread that pulled the whole opera together in a seductive and spirit stirring show. I could barely breathe when they sung "Think of Me" , "The Phantom of the Opera" , "Past the Point of No Return" and "Down Once More". It was an evening of swoon, seduction, surrender and ended with appetizers wine and amazing conversation.
Then the Zoo with all it's creatures and awaiting secrets of what animals do. It kept the sacredness of wilderness and space and it reminded me of everything that made it. The One who pieces life together for us one part at a time.
I was moved... I was overwhelmed with joy.
And then it hit.
Overwhelmed.
By a city that didn't give me the time to be me. Or rather, the pressures that built to see it all, and taste, feel, expierence it all. I pushed back. No. I need time to write this out, time to go back home and figure out what it was that I was feeling.
It wasn't for lack of desire to expierence or overwhelming of the culture of the city.
The city and the hustle and bustle was a lot less than my expectations, I was met with what I viewed a normal crowded big city.
But.
Something inside me was upset.
Because the big city adventure girl I thought I could be.
I wasn't.
I didn't want this.
The lights, the flickering ads, the sights, the pace... it wasn't me.
And yet, I wanted to want it.
Sure, I was everything dazzled, enraptured and loving the dress up nights and the delicious food at every bite, but there was something missing.
The time I needed.
Part of this, the nature of travel, and the other part... the nature of a Halifax girl being exactly that. A Halifax girl...and she loves her city. Her family, her life.
It can be disspointing to realize that everything you thought you wanted was not what you wanted at all.
What you wanted was right in front of you the whole time.
And isn't that the lesson that I find true time and time again.
All that shiny isn't golden.
What is golden is what stays true and real no matter the circumstances.
The real gold is in you.
Amy Grace - a Natural East Coast Girl.
The real gold is what you naturally do without the push.
I write.
I rest the best in my city.
I love short, quick but high risk adventures.
I am a natural east coast girl.
This month was without a doubt, a collaboration of just three minds.
This is the time of year when artists are coming and going. They are traveling and amidst multiple different projects. Ultimatly May was quiet, but three art women sat at a table and started talking.
"What were you going to talk about today?" One asked.
"Well this... but, it doesn't seem relevant." I indicated at the paper in front of me.
"Not now, no." She replied.
And thus is the way of collaboration, someone shares, another responds and all of a sudden you are working on a multiple minded project.
This is what the night became. A conversation of collaboration on 'collaboration'.
"What do you do if collaborating is hard?" I posed
"Where is the commitment to collaborate?" I searched.
These are tough questions and the communication of the answers even tougher.
"Communication." One responded.
"What if communication is disjointed and hard?" I asked
I was throwing questions at two collaborators I hold dear.
"There are two kinds of people Amy." this 'photographer-girl-friend' of mine said. "There are those like you, and those like me."
What she meant:
There are the motivators, the organizers, schedule keeper creatives who spear head projects.
and then
There are the joiners, the sporadic, the follow the muse and follow your nose creatives who join in on projects.
"And isn't that so true." I replied.
"But what happens when you have two Motivators trying to collaborate?" I wondered
"Two Joiners trying to collaborate?"
And we discussed:
Clear communication on what expectations are, is paramount to maintaing a healthy balance and strong outcome of work.
So this 'Collaberation?' night, became a true and honest "Collaberation" night.
Without these two women, who are both collaborators with me on multiple projects, I would not have come out with a stronger and deeper topic for the month.
Sometimes it is those that join with you, that bring you to that "Titling Project" moment.
"I dont understand why you feel so strongly on collaboration." one solo artist had said confused.
But I have a better understanding now more than ever.
Collaboration brings a whole new perspective, understanding and expierence.
Collaboration brings unity, depth and life.
Collaboration is nothing without honest clear communication.
The struggle of Collaboration is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a true and amazing journey of multiple spirits working together for an end product.
©2014 Jeremy Lai
A renissance tradition that now influences the field in the study of any art.
“mentor |ˈmenˌtôr, -tər|
noun
an experienced and trusted adviser
an experienced person in a company, college, or school who trains and counsels new employees or students.”
“mentee |menˈtē|
noun
a person who is advised, trained, or counseled by a mentor.”
During the time of Renaissance, a young boy at the age of twelve would begin helping the "Master Artist" at his workshop, work along side him, slowly learning over the years the art and eventually, move on from there to become an artist on his own.
Now, we have girls and boys all capable of learning their art by attending classes and through the education system. Unfortunately, it is those who are in privileged families who can afford the classes, and those in the few schools who have strong artistic classes that benefit. Even then, the arts span past the famous writing and painting. School children do not have every art form under their finger tips, as art has grown more widespread and diverse over the centuries.
We can agree:
In all fields of work and study it is important to be mentored. To connect with another who is more skilled/learned/experienced, but also encouraging and wants to see growth into independence and success.
A real Master
A real Mentor
Is someone who is ageless. They do not see age or experience, but potential in another. They do not see limitations or doubts but opportunities and hope. They are someone who teaches by how they live. They teach without teaching. They are those that sit down and cultivate and create rather than ponder, obsess and stew.
A real Apprentice
A real Mentee
Is someone who seeks wisdom. They do not get caught up in their unworthiness but that they are worthy enough to receive. They do not judge quickly, but spend time weighing out advice, methods, and experiences. They are answer seekers everyday they live. They learn by asking and listening, listening and weighing. They are those that sit down and ask, soak and do rather then talk, yell and obsess.
I want to be that Mentee. I want to be that Mentor.
Shouldn't we all be Mentored, and be mentoring?
I believe we need to seek out those with their hands raised, the answer-seekers and start meeting their needs. We need to each take responsibility for who we can mentor.
And similarily.
We need to be raising our hands and seeking answers. We need to be open and ready to recieve when a mentor comes our way. We need to cultivate communication that we are not above being taught.
This is the renaissance way, and in 2014, we can do one better. Men and women, boys and girls of all ages can and should be in the mentoring process of whatever art form / field they are in.
I am raising my hand. Do you see me?
I am looking for you.
"I facilitate thinking, I engage minds, I listen to questions, I encourage risk, I support struggle, I cultivate dreams, I learn everyday I teach." - Unknown.
It is curious that the Renissance movement spanned the 14th to 17th Century and yet the origin of the "The Starving Artist" came from the 18th - 19th centuries.
Why has our culture embraced this belief? That to pursue the arts is to pursue poverty?
The trades, the academics, the athletics, and the arts. Why cannot they exist together in possible lifestyles and work to pursue?
All of these things are what make our society move, breathe and evolve. Without one we are unbalanced.
Why do graduated artists from various art forms decide to stick to a nine to five when their heart beats for something else? Why do so many say " it's a nice hobby" when a writer says they are going to write?
One hears:
"How will you pay for bills if something goes wrong?"
"At least you can always go back to the other career if this doesn't work out."
"It's a nice thing to do on the side."
All of these things stem from the belief that to pursue art means to pursue a lack of provision.
In the Renaissance, artists were as nesseccary as tradesmen. They studied and lived the same. They were respected as a person who is pursing a higher calling. They were hired and used within the community. They were not always successful or wealthily, but they pursued their work, without the stigma of 'poor'. They pursued their passion without the belief that it was 'a cute hobby on the side.'
Yes, I have less money now as a storyteller than when I worked as an Interpreter. It is also true that I am happier now than I was then. There is a moment of walking into your passions and you realize that provision for work and living happens as you walk in faith.
I am striving to find the stories that need telling and I will tell them with a passion that surpasses anything I did before.
This striving, has led me to taste the luxiourious real-tastes of a dinner shared with others while truly being present. This striving has led me to the true enjoyment of the ability to study and learn when the funds are provided. This striving to live and tell the truth has fulfilled me with a whole new outlook and it this that has fills my pockets.
Somehow when you strive for more than 'satisfied' you end up with an overflowing. Tight moments become moments of adventure, and when you see provision you know that you are truly pursuing that higher calling on your life.
So just a note.
I have not starved yet. In fact, I eat more.
I am striving, in fact, I may have more passion now than ever before.
I am thriving.
Striving
What a difference a table can create. After much labour of love "Barkton Place" home D.I.Y. Project was completed and the table with six chairs now was covered in food and glasses of wine and other beverages. New faces and old faces attended this gathering and we were all relieved to finally share in another friday night together.
This month was the beginning of change in a lot of these lives. In all this hustle and bustle of creativity, each artist was going through some sort of development in their work.
Even waiting.
Waiting in and of itself is development. What develops while you wait, for one soon to be architect student, is the growth of what that outcome will have.
Interested to see how these women were dealing with their need to hold in / share / communicate their work or lack thereof , a question was posed.
"As an Artist/Creative, what does it mean to have a safe person to share with? Do you have one?"
Mostly stemmed from my own discoveries and revelation from Julia Camerons' "Walking in this World"
"One of the trickiest issues in a creative life is the issue of private support and encouragement for our creative leaps - no matter how they are received. As artists, we do not need private adulation, but we do need before, during, and after friends, those people who love and accept us no matter what our current creative shape and size. We need friends who understand that a creative success may bring an onslaught of pressures nearly as devastating as a creative failure."
The responses:
- "I have a safe few people but it was a journey to discover who is enriching to your life and who isn't. For me, It's more about who is a positive more than a negative."
- "Having a safe person to talk to, is as simple as life or life. Death perhaps not in a physical sense, but mentally, emotionally...it allows you to keep moving - When you would otherwise be stuck. Without movement in the creative mind, there can be utter confusion and stagnant waters. Having a safe person continues the ebb and flow of the creative tide."
- Having someone to share your ideas and be confident that they will be honest with their opinions.
Our discussion weaved in and out of topics and we agreed that being able to vent when confusion comes while having someone who will give advice to get you back on track is imperative.
It is in the knowing who to go to. You don't need to get all from one person. In having 'safe people' to go through the process of being a creative, is taking the time to know yourself and know who you need to talk to in the moment.
The thing with unsafe people who can say damaging things to our inner artist child, is that they are not being deliberate (for the most part). Most of those lovely people, are simply not equipped or made to be aware or sensitive to the process that we are going through in that moment.
“relish |ˈreliSH|
noun
great enjoyment ... liking for or pleasurable anticipation of something”
rel·ish
noun \ˈre-lish\
: enjoyment of or delight in something
Working with a director is a privedlge and one can never be sure how a director directs. This journey into Spring Awakening has been an inspiring and extremely riveting one. He is a director who wants work "to breathe" and take on a life of its own. He gives room for skill to be flexed and glittered.
On the last session of 'notes' that he gave, he said something that caught in the air and then slowly drifted down, resting on us all as our tired bodies sunk into the seats and imagined what opening night would be.
His words went something like this:
"I would do yourself a favour now and not do anything else but this (Spring Awakening shows) until it is done. As a student, I always religiously took off show times so I could relish in the expierence and everything it entails."
I was enraptured.
Yes, I would most definitely do nothing but relish in this expierence, and that is what being in the midst of art means.
To enjoy,
To delight in
To relish.
Call it what you will: art, creativity,
Life as a whole...
Let us relish in the experience of every art piece we see, do, experience and have.
Life is art
And
Art is life
That means every moment is to be relished.
Shadow Birds in flight...
Remember verb \ri-ˈmem-bər\
: to have or keep an image or idea in your mind of (something or someone from the past) : to think of (something or someone from the past) again
: to cause (something) to come back into your mind
: to keep (information) in your mind : to not forget (something)
Creating is a process of movement, and there is nothing stationary about a writers year in tandem with seasons. A fluid moving ocean with swells, waves and stills.
It is on this twenty fifth day of life that I turn and look behind me.
A far distance from a story that almost wrecked health, relationships, and sanity. Caught in a current, there were hopeless helpless cries to the birds that flied above from my spirit to theirs. And tattooed birds grace this ones left shoulder. A reminder of the birds that are freed and given flight.
It may seem like a lifetime ago, but I need to look behind me.
To remember.
A phone call on a twenty-fifth birthday dropping possibilities, and I have to keep present.
Remember
We all have shadows of our past selves walking behind us, reminding us.
They can be the shadows of truth whispering encouragement, or one can allow them to be whispers of darkness trying to pull you back.
Which are yours?
My shadow is a girl of confusion. A girl who would rather rely on someone else' definition of herself than step out on her own. Independence is a scary thing and is it not funny how birds will be shoved out of nests to be taught how to fly? Yet a girl can't even get her toe out. And that shadow speaks to me.
"You learned how to fly...see." She points to my shoulder and I remember.
I remember the moment I dedicated all of my words to truth. The moment I remembered that I was a writer who gave my life, my words, my art to everything that was beyond myself.
On this twenty five, I remember and I say it again.
"My work, my life, my art, everything, it is not mine. It is for the One who called me and brought me out of the fear-nest and into the night sky. The One who strengthened my wings so I could see the dawn. To the One who provides the shelter from the rain and the worms for the eating. The One who receives glory to see me fly, Who provides so I can flourish, Who lavishes love, grace, healing and words. To that One, I live, breathe, and give my life to."
On this twenty five I find myself coming up to a wide open sky, and I will Remember my shadow life, so I can live my full life.
Now.
It was comical. To have a small group of women and no real voice to use to communicate with them.
It was that time of year. When spirits start to sag, immune systems go down and suddenly, although Spring has arrived the weather has not yet fully turned and we are anxious.
For myself, attending a film workshop the day before and being sent home due to not being well enough to be in front of a camera. Debilitating. An artists spirit is to work and when work is like a slug how do we cope?
I laid the question on the table. Knowing they would see.
"What are the struggles so far in 2014?"
Each arrived and suddenly I heard a quip.
"Do you want me to write an essay?"
It seemed the timing was right on mark with these Halifax Creatives.
The answers?
- Comparing myself to others
- Accepting, transisiotning out of things and into new things
- Feeling inspired, yet lacking the desire to follow through
- Self Doubt
- Physical distractions (Sickness etc.)
- To be clever
- Money, or lack thereof
- People
- Condifence
And as one so perfectly put it: "Well, theres the whole 'life' thing..."
How do we overcome our personal issues and use them to benefit our work and energy rather than getting bogged down by them?
Simply that
Use it.
Take the lack of confidence and turn it into a piece about 'simply that'.
Get at work whether it feels good or not.
Creatives are not brilliant because every piece they create is brilliant. No, they are brilliant because they work at their craft whether it is understood or not. Whether it is appreciated or not. Whether the pay is there or not. Whether they are healthy or not.
Creatives create because they were called to.
We began to listen to one another, and listening during a season of 'lack' can be exactly what a spirit needs. Listening to the heart beat of another, the doubts of your inner self...
"Doubt is a signal of the creative process. It is a signal that you are doing something right - not that you are doing something wrong or crazy or stupid. The sickening chasm of fear that doubt triggers to yawn open beneath you is a huge abyss into which you are going to tumble, spiralling downwards like you are falling through the circles of hell. No, doubt is most often a signal you are doing something and doing it right." - Julia Cameron 'Walking in this World'
February brings us a full two months into the new year and many who attended have multiple projects beginning. I opened the night up for those who could, to bring their work to share. The results of the discussion and sharing was inspiring. I believe that I was so moved after this night, I found it hard to commit the time to attempt at capturing how this evening went.
Grab a treat & answer a question...
This month, the focus was on how to find the right time and atmosphere to match the needs and desires of each individual 'creative' in the room. Each of us have different lives and different ways we focus in on our work.
"What is your best creative time of day / atmosphere?"
Creative Time of Day
- A solid section of time (Full Morning, full afternoon, or full evening)
- Late late late in the wee hours of 12am and on
- Late 10pm - midnight/wrapping up at two or three am
Creative Atmosphere
- Music
- Working outside
- Driving time in car alone
- Bathtub alone and quiet
- White noise
- Dead quiet
- Food
It became very clear that a lot of 'creatives' feel an inspiring connection to the night hours and are 'for the most part' all living in a 'Day Persons World'.
Crayons for the multi-taskers in the room.
Navigating this, while knowing our most individual natures of how each 'creative' creates is critical to getting plans and dreams into action. Some rebel at deadlines and feel if we are 'told' to do something we become lethargic and care a less, but if we take ownership over our own work the desire never leaves.
Everyone has there own ticks and tocks to what makes us work.
After discussing these things the conversation was directed into how to take work independent after 'school' structure is over. The advice from one woman who has been balancing an intense career, along side her art career, expressed the concept of blending the two when neccessary.
All 'creatives' need to eat, but worrying about it is only a waste if you don't make a plan. "At a young age and an early start, she encouraged "'creatives' have more control on how they want their paths of work and art to go. Always be true to your self."
Taking the time to see the work of the women who attend is an incredible treat and a reminder of the amazing talent that sits in the room.
Having a belief system that everyone is an artist/creative/innovator at the core, only opens the mind to the type of work that one could do. Seeing the paintings, portfolio, and quick peeks at their work is an underlining moment to the truth of art. It comes from each individuals heart and spirit, and that is why it is worth doing.
"You know the marble game? I feel like the marble on the top." - A quote from a creative 'describing where she was at in her projects & journey'.
GUEST POST FOR http://oneword365.com
We have been walking into 2014 for some weeks now and we are seeing sparks of life. Developments in our ‘one words’ , in our lives and hearts. That is what happens when we look for change and open ourselves up to adventure. We begin to thirst for it, look for it and hunt for it. When you do that, it is hard pressed not to find it.
Development comes to those who are craving it. And I am one of the cravers. Together we call our one words into the air and we watch. We await for what that will mean, and already we begin to see.
The thing with claiming, declaring and shouting our victory words to the sky, is that we feel bold, brave and strong. We feel and we are. But the dark lies of this world do not want us to feel that way and suddenly we are doubting, wishing we could grab those letters that make that ‘one word’ back into our mouths, our hearts and our spirits. Stuff them back deep inside.
“Don’t declare! Who are you to declare a word over your own life?” the doubting whisper says.
And I begin to feel a fraud. I begin to feel panic rise up through to my throat, bubbling up like unwanted vomit. My body is trying to purge the word.
I claimed the word FIRE and see no one else with this word. I feel odd and maybe even crazy. But I press on, I work hard through the first month of the word and see it manifest itself in amazing ways, and yet on the last day of the first month I lean against a flame and my hair goes on fire. Only for a split second, but enough to make the women in the room scream, my heart to sink and my ‘fire’ word to scare me. To panic me.
But I read “The Artist Way” books by Julia Cameron and write down her words.
“Your panic does not mean you are crazy, just that you feel it.”
“You are panicked, tell yourself, ‘Ah! Good sign, I am getting unstuck.”
“This means that at our most awkward and ill at ease, we are still in divine order and moving ever closer to Gods intention.”
I put down my pen and begin to breathe easy, and the sighs of relief flood my spirit.
Panic is okay. My most awkward and ill at ease is right.
“If that isn’t prophetic I don’t know what is!” A friend who witnessed that moment of ‘fire-awkward’ said to me as we brushed the charred bits out of my hair.
I had a hard time shaking that, because our words are not easy to swallow. They challenge and they declare things we had no idea they would declare. And that is how it is with words. They are more than you plan them to be and they will take you to a place you need to go.
Panic that rises from the core of your being and begins to tumble out isn’t something to be ashamed of. Work through the word that you declared over your life and don’t give yourself room to doubt it. Panic tells you you are heading in the right direction, most ignore, but we charge through and find the glory of our words, ablaze and alive.
How has your ‘one-word’ caught on fire and panicked you?
Goal: An open invitation to all Creative and Innovative Women. An open space for artists to share, be inspired and have a safe place to be surrounded by like minds.
We started out with this goal last January and now this year we are taking that goal into a new form. A form of intentionally 'led' discussions and more structure to give a better space and time for the more unstructured tangents that creatives can fall into.
©2014 Nicole Payzant
The Rabbit Hole of Wonderland is often how I describe these tangents to myself. They are everything we should want to fall into as artists, to capture the magic of thought, discussion, ideas and projects. The question of Rabbit Holes, is how to take the time before the fall, to enhance the wonderland experience by allowing intentional discussion?
We opened up the night with a question. "What gets you off the couch/inspires you to create?"
The answers we found were varied and many:
- Group projects, collaboration inspires: Sharing what is learned.
- Words of Inspiration
- Music, mood music
- Coffee! Talking with people about ideas, helping me develop them.
- Being around passionate people.
- Relating to people
- Changing it up: Challenging self in different styles/ventures
- Meanings not yet quantified, the journey to understand the not understood.
©2014 Nicole Payzant
Creative and Innovative women/people and even those who haven't identified themselves as such yet, all have dreams, goals and visions. Those things may be identified and at other times may be somewhere inside yet still unknown.
Setting aside the time to work on one of those few things can be the ultimate gift for your inner-self. Even if you don't have a vision yet, taking that time, to write, paint, doodle, list, bake, sing, etc more routinely is an excellent way to spark the energy of the goal.
We ended with a challenge. The challenge to dig deeper into dreams and visions and write them down. Putting words to your own goal or project, 'Titling' as I called it in an earlier article is exactly what will kickstart creatives and innovators to working and producing.
We delved into sharing and had a wonderful time of honest reflection on each woman's work. Some of us are studying, others are grappling with the inner-creative, and others are coming upon projects that need to be named and focused in on.
What I have learned from this month, is that no one can predict what will happen when you get creative women in a room and start discussing and asking. Falling down the Rabbit Hole to Wonderland is inevitable. My challenge and question now for this group, will be how to direct these evenings in a way that makes the Rabbit Hole to Wonderland a productive journey for all those in the room.
Setting up a flexible structure that every woman will feel safe, challenged, supported and uplifted.
©2014 Nicole Payzant
Everything has a title. Everything has a name of some kind.
Anything that is a story has a title, and every title is attached to a story. Titles can be hard to find, and fear of the 'thing' to be titled is the reason that projects and stories alike stay un-done. Untitled.
©2014 Jeremy Lai
Untitled is a lack of commitment, a fear of what the 'it' contains.
Lack of commitment.
A reason for any relationship or project breakdown.
Stare at a blank screen, knowing...deep down, that to give 'this' a title means to commit to it. And committing is hard, in fact, it is one of the hardest things to overcome. If commitment was easy, then everyone would be perfect examples of success.
Because to commit is success. Success isn't acknowledgment or to be known for a piece of work. It is the commitment to the inspiration that landed in your mind and spirit. It is the denial of fear and the ability to title what may seem scary to title that becomes the success.
byamygrace didn't happen overnight. It was the inspiration of prodding over a long time, but committing to a title for this website has changed it's purpose, drive and focus.
Titles bring clarity, and clarity brings hope. Hope is the light which filters into ones spirit and all souls rejoice with hope. It breathes free and wants to live.
So really, a title is about life.
To be untitled is death. Death of a project, death of a story.
Titled is life.
To Title means it lives.
Words make up a sentence. A sentence makes up a paragraph, and a paragraph makes up a page. All those pages make up something, someone thought was worth reading.
Why read? Why put anything down at all?
Words on page put something we dare to attempt uncovering, discovering, and demystifying out in the open. They become accessible, tangible, real, raw and honest.
Word : (noun) a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used with others (or sometimes alone) to form a sentence and typically shown with a space on either side when written or printed.
oneword365.com has given a concept to grow through a 365 day journey with just one word.
"One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.
It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your one word will shape not only your year, but also you. It will become the compass that directs your decisions and guides your steps.
Discover the big impact one word can make." - http://oneword365.com
For this writer, a word has emmerged, before I knew of the one word vision. Before I knew that there was a movement to intentionally one word, one was already being chosen.
FIRE (noun) combustion or burning, in which substances combine chemically with oxygen from the air and typically give out bright light, heat, and smoke
As a writer, fire doesn't mean death, it means everything that is risked when you walk into fear.
FIRE burns artists into gold.
FIRE ignites truth
A 365 Day journey into refining this writer.
Risking it all for the refining of fire.
©2012 Nicole Payzant
When things shift it is necessary to turn a page. This first post is a written realization of a page I turned that didn't continue. In fact, it ended. And the next page was a new chapter.
As a writer I am very aware of chapters and what they may mean. A chapter pulls a story further ahead, it is the continuation, but also the conduit for the next 'thing',
Starting byAmyGrace has been the unfolding process of this new chapter and I have been working hard to reign myself in. To make sure that I am staying focused on my theatre training, projects and personal life. Recognizing a need for a place to work off from has created byAmyGrace into a website and an idenity.
In every chapter there is usually a discovery, something we didn't know. This has definitely surprised and delighted me, giving a great deal of direction and definition into my next words. I could not be writing this if it wasn't for my inspirational team that drive me forward. Jasmine Alexander, Jeremy Lai, Nicole Payzant and Tyler Bennicke are all various artists who have helped me define and hone in on what my vision is. Their work is sprinkled throughout my own and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge and thank them for their continued support.
Each week I will be writing about what discoveries, struggles and thoughts I have through the process of being an artist and pulling other artists alongside me in these initiatives. Join me as I attempt to put words into thought, thoughts into ideas, ideas into concepts, concepts into projects and projects into action.
No artist can do it alone, and I clearly recognize the need to be intentionally interactive with those around me.
This chapter will be the beginning of many chapters to follow, and that, perhaps is the most exciting concept of all.