Picture of Joan Francis Goodday Lugar in Canadian Women’s Army Corps uniform.

Finishing up the roughest of the rough draft

on this one woman show on my grandmother has me a bit shaky.

Rough drafts are exactly that. Just a ‘draft’ of what something could be and nothing smooth or connected about it. I sense the holes in the story and the places that need more refining. Yet I can also sense that it’s time to put this in the hands of those I trust most with my unedited words, concepts and a re telling on my grandmother.

Thankfully, I know that there can be joy in the sharing of the roughest of rough drafts. It’s a bit like a conversation. You pass the precious story on to hands and eyes that will tenderly yet firmly sift through the ideas, concept, movements and point out the golden threads and the rough edges that either need to be cut out, sanded or just explained better.

Humility.

This is where I let my ego take a back sit and listen.

The more I have written on my paternal grandmother, the deeper my respect goes for her and the more saddened I am not to have her in this stage of my life. What would I have learned about her now if I had known her as this version of myself? I want to kneel down by her as I used to and lean my head in close in a way that always baffled her and made her chuckle. Pat her hand and feel the well worn skin as she talked about some adventure she had as a younger woman and how ‘devilish’ she was.

She had a way of telling a story that was physical, composed and in real time. As if the memory was so close she could touch it.

It is still early days for this project but as I let go of my first draft and welcome feedback, I recognize that it’s time to loosen up the reigns and do my best to be that younger version of myself who listened to her voice, took in all her facial expressions and asked the leading questions to get the story to unfold deeper.

COURAGE

Any creative driven person knows that in order to be creative, one has to have a certain amount of courage.

Especially in the culture and society we live in today, we are only honoured in our work as creatives if we have done something spectacular and are known for it.   It can be daunting to take the time away from the other aspects of life to 'create', let alone try to tell ourselves and others that we have something worth saying/showing.

THE BATTLE

It's an unspoken truth amongst creatives that in order for us to create we must prepare and go into battle despite our fears in order to get to our creative inspiration.  Some days, this is easier than others.  Other days, this is an uphill battle  

Sounds dramatic, but it remains true.  

From a personal experience, I can say that if I am working on anything and making anything it means that my discipline and my courage are in full use. 
 

HOW?

IDENTIFY FEAR EXISTS

I acknowledge that fear wants to drive me and then I don't give it space to.  I say no to negative people, thinking, music anything that brings up dread and self-doubt.  I shut it down and focus on the calling. 

KNOW MY FLOW

I work when I know I am in my best energy.  For me, early morning and early evening.  If I am working, I block off time to transition from my other roles.  I cant simply go from handling a screaming toddler to writing my next best scene.  I have to allow my heart, spirit and mind to align themselves and this needs time.

STAY IN CONTACT WITH BOLSTERING PEOPLE

Whenever I am about to go into creative battle, I message my best friends.  I tell them I am about to battle and am going to accomplish these specific creative tasks and I know they are covering me with prayer, support and often send me those little emojis, words, images I needed.  And they do because they are warriors themselves. 

SET THE ATMOSPHERE

Atmosphere is one of my biggest motivators.  The right playlist the right beverage, the right outfit, lighting and I can sit keeping the creative oil burning for longer than my bladder wants to hold itself.

INSPIRATIONS

Surrounding myself with inspirations.  Media that is empowering, articles fo other women like me doing it, images from the internet that encapsulate a feeling I am trying to grasp.  The right desktop wallpaper... I find it everything that surrounds me.

STANDING MY GROUND

The truth is, when I am working on a project, I am highly suseptable to the negativity of others and the world around me.  I am working double time to quell that fear on my shoulder to have courage enough to write and when I feel that negative presence, be it a persons outlook, an expectation, passive aggressive behaviour, a negative article, facebook rants, or even just my own battle with resentment I will run in the other direction.  Figuratively and spiritually I see it as running and taking my imaginary pen in my hand and striking the ground and saying "NO!  I am capable.  I am strong, I can do this and I have a calling to do this and that negativity is not from the One who made me." 

It's like working double time, but what comes out of pressing in and pursuing the call is a strength and joy I absolutely need and want more of in my life.  That is why I stand my ground.  

 

Childs Pose

I've been learning these past ten years that my vulnerability is what makes me not only stronger, but courageous and real.  Being vulnerable is a refining process and with every step out in bravery that I have taken has lead me here.  I wouldn't trade those risks, those times of despair, heart aches, disappointments or lessons learned for the comfort of staying in my seat.

I feel deeply, I live deeply and because of that, I believe I am called to be deeply vulnerable.  
Even when, I would rather not. 

As I cancelled an event I deeply wanted to see happen, I cracked open Brené Browns book "Rising Strong" and began to read her opening pages.  The timing of reading her words was inspired and I believe I was kept from reading this book until now.  Because now is when I needed it.

"I want to be in the arena.  I want to be brave with my life.  And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.  We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both.  Not at the same time.
Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.  Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage." - Brené Brown  
 

So, I poured coffee this morning after doing yoga with my almost two year old, cracked open my journal and began to write about how I am still in this.  That being vulnerable and falling is part of this whole process.

I am here and working on these projects for a purpose and that purpose isn't defined or decided by a simple cancelation, or words of critique.  My job is stay grounded, stay on the surf board and ride the wave.  

I choose courage.  I choose vulnerability.