I have been spending the summer months teaching a very special group of children.  A new batch come in every week but the feeling stays the same.  

Glee. 

I have one week of teaching left for this Season and I have learned three things:

1.  Creating a sense of wonder is worth it.

2. Staying present is essential.

3. Children can give or drain energy depending on your attitude.

Wonder is worth it because wonder is what creates a sense of hope.  When we have wonder over something, there is a part of our insides that jumps and grows.  Creating wonder for children isn't a hard task.  It happened when I decided to show up to the first day of work (albeit late after a car breakdown in a major intersection) dressed as a fairy and staying in character all week.  It happened when I chose to story tell after all little bodies were tucked in tight and small in a circle with sounds they echoed.  (Once Upon a time there was a girl who bumped into a tiger...ROAR...)  It happened when, after a busy day of learning they all fell on the blanket and with quiet voices talked about magical things.  It happened when fairy dust in the form of glitter was sprinkled over their heads as they wished.  It happened.

As adults we loose that sense of wonder so fast, but I found it.  It happened when I ate dinner on a beach as the sun was setting and the grey clouds swirled above us.  It happened when I tasted the most delicious chocolate peanut butter cup from a local café.  It happened when I stepped into a move with a dance partner that was the most in sync we have been in a long time.  It happened when I covered Little V's toes in a sandbox.

Staying present is what makes all of these things have meaning.  Children don't know how to worry past their next thought.  They may worry on a lost item, or something they just remembered they forgot to do, but mostly...they worry on nothing.  They are present in the moment.  And as one precious four year old who has been taking grammar classes said through a stall door "I didn't quite know it before, but I am going to take longer than I thought.  I need to poop."  and later again said, when asked to sit up.  "Obviously, I am very tired right now."  

How honest.

How true.

May I remember to communicate in a way that is real to the present. 

How is our attitude towards children? 

It is so easy to see how others can be drained by them.  They see "responsibility" "work" "annoyance". I see "freedom"  "play" and "learning".  The days I chose to look at my teaching job with the word "Job", I went home drained.  I went home craving a break.

The days I went to my teaching position with the word "Learning".  I learned.

I hope they did too.

But

I learned 

The most.

I am thankful to have experienced these wonderful life lessons this Summer. 

"I am taking Mondays back!" 

©2014 Jeremy Lai

Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada is a Canadian East Coast treasure.  Growing up just outside the city but always near the ocean I was everything typical of East Coast little girl.  Every Sunday skipping rocks into the oceans surface of the Bedford Basin and spending summers in the almost deserted but still thrumming community of Sandford, Yarmouth, Nova Scotia at an old farm.  The rock beach behind the farm being a treasure trove full of secret pirate notes planted by my grandfather.  I didn't know any different.  The salt water was engrained in me and the waves of an ocean were like the beats of my heart-dreams.

©2014 Jeremy Lai

It took a few formative life changing years to realize the East Coast Glory that I was raised in, is in my blood stream.  The salty tears that stream down my face from time to time are Halifax, Nova Scotia made.

I wouldn't put it past you to think "Halifax...just a small city with some bag pipers and New Scotland history in the mix.  Nothing special to sink your teeth into."

And that would be fine.

But I need to share... this City, this province is a treasure trove.

The city is small yes... in comparison with its East Coast competitors.  Maine, New York City... they are all on steroids... but Halifax, it has gems.

The Nook on Gottingen opened and run by Mark Pavaloski and his glorious partner in crime Katie Roux - two dear friends who show hospitality that will blow you away.

The endless places to eat good food and have a good time with friends.  The Board Room Cafe, Morris East, The Middle Spoon, and there is even a secret Speak Easy along Barrington Street if you can figure out the place and password that changes weekly.

The wind blows through the city streets reminding us to dream and move.  The salt air infiltrates your lungs as you walk and there is nothing more relishing than a moment with your thoughts and the ocean air.

Neptune Theatre whom so dearly trained me for eight precious months sits as a becan of story among a city full of Indie theatre.  

Red Swings litter the core waiting for anyone to take a journey 

Halifax Local stores collaborate together and become a tie...

And East Coast Lifestyle...a clothing company that has boomed through the stores, instagram, online orders and journeyed across roads...stems from this very place.

Halifax is making its way on the map, and my roots are salty and deep here.  My cheek is pressed to the moist dirt with the fog swirling around me.

That endless fog that comes with this east coast city...it is everything refreshing and cool to touch.  

And when I returned to Halifax after an East Coast journey to New York City...I realized the truth of me:

Walking in Halifax City is a look at my heart. 

This East Coast small city girl of Halifax, Nova Scotia decided that an adventure to New York City after eight months of theatre training was a necessary check mark. After all the classes, dedicated early mornings and learning, I felt I had to see this shiny city that spurs so many artists into action.  It was a necessary and exciting journey to take on. 

At first, the plans were with friends.  Lovely travelers who bring life to everything that they do, and I was excited...and yet, we all felt that this trip, although necessary for me, was not necessary for everyone. 

Plans changed.

A family traveled instead.

 And walking in New York City was not less glamorous then it would have been with my best lady at my side.  I felt her presence on my wrist (a key bracelet) as I journeyed the streets she had walked before. 

I walked into Central Park as the first day progressed and with wild-city-wonder took in the nature that contrasted with the sudden city around it.  Birds were loud as if demanding attention.  Music laced with wind this jungle-city-park was full of moments I had to sink into my thoughts and try to find myself within it all.  City.  Nature.  Nature. City. 

I walked through Times Square and felt the hype, the drive for more...and yet my heart wasn't truly wanting 'things'.   It was wanting 'stories'.  Sifting through stores and although easy enough to release money into a cash register to receive clothes I don't usually allow myself, I was not given happiness, nor did I expect it.  I knew the purchase of items was not my bag.  I have a gift of saving and the gift of spending.  I can save for what I need and I can spend for the sheer response of living a life that needs to be lived.  Money is not to be glorified but used, as food is to the stomach, In and out, so money should be.  The ebb and flow of receiving and using.   

I entered "The Strand" and immediately felt at home.  Finally, peace and courage within a simple but complex building of rows and rows of books.  I could breathe easy here, it was inviting, normal, clean of thoughts...like one could blank slate and think from the start.  There was a canvas bag that said it best for me "She has a way with WORDS, red lipstick & making an ENTRANCE. - Kate Spade"....along with four books I took these with me with pride, thinking I had a bit of my own heart to carry back home with me. 

Phantom of the Opera 2014 

Attending a Broadway show...a dream finally realized with the perfect white dress found for such an occasion.  Showering luxioursly and taking my time relishing in the preparation.   "Phantom of the Opera" was even more than I could ever hope it to be.  The Majestic Theatre presented the show with elegance and standard one could only imagine of.  All the mysterious phantom characteristics like a thread that pulled the whole opera together in a seductive and spirit stirring show.  I could barely breathe when they sung "Think of Me" ,  "The Phantom of the Opera" , "Past the Point of No Return" and "Down Once More".  It was an evening of swoon, seduction, surrender and ended with appetizers wine and amazing conversation. 

Then the Zoo with all it's creatures and awaiting secrets of what animals do.  It kept the sacredness of wilderness and space and it reminded me of everything that made it.  The One who pieces life together for us one part at a time.   

I was moved... I was overwhelmed with joy.

And then it hit.

Overwhelmed. 

By a city that didn't give me the time to be me.  Or rather, the pressures that built to see it all, and taste, feel, expierence it all.  I pushed back.  No.  I need time to write this out, time to go back home and figure out what it was that I was feeling.

It wasn't for lack of desire to expierence or overwhelming of the culture of the city.

The city and the hustle and bustle was a lot less than my expectations,  I was met with what I viewed a normal crowded big city.

But.

Something inside me was upset.

Because the big city adventure girl I thought I could be.

I wasn't.

I didn't want this.

The lights, the flickering ads, the sights, the pace... it wasn't me.

And yet, I wanted to want it.

Sure, I was everything dazzled, enraptured and loving the dress up nights and the delicious food at every bite, but there was something missing.  

The time I needed. 

Part of this, the nature of travel, and the other part... the nature of a Halifax girl being exactly that.  A Halifax girl...and she loves her city.  Her family, her life.

It can be disspointing to realize that everything you thought you wanted was not what you wanted at all.  

What you wanted was right in front of you the whole time.

And isn't that the lesson that I find true time and time again.

All that shiny isn't golden.

What is golden is what stays true and real no matter the circumstances.

The real gold is in you.

Amy Grace - a Natural East Coast Girl.

The real gold is what you naturally do without the push.

I write.

I rest the best in my city.

I love short, quick but high risk adventures.

I am a natural east coast girl. 

Motivational Vitamins from New York City. "And don't ever doubt the beat, the pulsate, the rhythm of you."

Dear YOU,

I keep words on mirrors in my home. Words that inspire, words that keep me motivated and ready...because sometimes a soul needs affirmation. Sometimes, a soul needs more than just a 'Good Morning Coffee' to get out of bed and feel alive.

These words in Sharpie marker clutter my mirrors and ye,t their power isn't in their location. I realized, their power is in the voice of them. These words have a place on your lips, they need to be tasted, chewed and understood by your soul-digestive system.

Words have power. If, we say them. If, we hear them. If, we can lift our eyes and see them.

These are my mirror moments to you.

Take them like vitamins.

A bi-weekly motivational kick start!

Ep 1 Motivational Vitamins "This is it, this moment, this very alive moment..."

Dear YOU,

I keep words on mirrors in my home. Words that inspire, words that keep me motivated and ready...because sometimes a soul needs affirmation. Sometimes, a soul needs more than just a 'Good Morning Coffee' to get out of bed and feel alive.

These words in Sharpie marker clutter my mirrors and ye,t their power isn't in their location. I realized, their power is in the voice of them. These words have a place on your lips, they need to be tasted, chewed and understood by your soul-digestive system.

Words have power. If, we say them. If, we hear them. If, we can lift our eyes and see them.

These are my mirror moments to you.

Take them like vitamins.

©2014 Jeremy Lai

When a student goes to school, first they learn the basics.  The fundamentals of what they will eventually be able to accomplish with their work.  They begin with introductory courses on the things in which they will need over the course of their learning.  Students often come to a first lecture with a notebook/laptop and pen/pencil.  They record notes either by hand, keyboard or a recording device.  They will study those introductory classes because that is the beginning and the very foundational basis of their future.  Serious students are studious.  

In rennassaince times the apprentices started out similarly.  Learning the small things and growing on their skill as they went.  There are many similarities between 'Student' and 'Teacher' and 'Master' and 'Apprentice', but a few differences as well.  Specifically, an apprentice slowly learned how to work on their masters art, not their own.  Then, an apprentice wouldn't even touch an 'instrument/tool' until they had learned to take care of the workshop of their master. 

There is a reason for this learned skill of 'taking care of'.

The artist, then and today, needs to be able to gage for themselves their needs and desires.  They need to able to run their own studio, business , life.  An artist does not have a boss leaning over their shoulder giving direction and thus has created the stigma that artists are all the negative things academics or realists believe. (Chronically late, disorganized, informal, unprepared etc.)  Artists have to fight for their credibility every day, and this is something Doctors, Lawyers, Business Men/Women, Teachers, etc never have to do.  Of course, we all have to fight for our credibility and reputation amongst our peers and public, but when does a Lawyer say "I spend my days in the courtroom" and not receive an automatic nod with straight forward respect?

No calling is higher than another.  If anything, back in ancient Greece up to the Renaissance, artists were honoured due to their drive to a higher calling.  It was believed that the "Genius" in an artist was something that came and went.  You never achieved art or success alone.  It was inspired by a higher power and then that inspiration/genius would leave.   

Maybe to come back, maybe to not.  

The success of an artist is how they are dedicated to their work.  How they roll up their sleeves everyday and sink their teeth into projects, whether the 'genius' is there or not.  Whether they feel it or not.  An artist who has the discipline to take care of their work space along with their emotional and physical well being....these are the successors.  

These are the artists who breathe grounded, rooted, aware and ready.

Amy Grace & Jasmine Alexander by Nicole Payzant Photography 

Jasmine Alexander and Amy Grace are adventure women.  They created a friendship out of the loose ends of life and all the bits in-between.  Each of them enjoy collaborating on projects together and both have a passion for the work they do.  

Jasmine and Amy have a history of being a tad goofy, while at the same time stopping mid-laugh to discuss deep and important issues.

Postal Dairies is the beginning of their time a part for the Summer of 2014.  Both artists have a lot going on, and yet both want to stay in touch.  Watch as they work through a new season of adventures, life and work. 

This month was without a doubt, a collaboration of just three minds. 

This is the time of year when artists are coming and going.  They are traveling and amidst multiple different projects.  Ultimatly May was quiet, but three art women sat at a table and started talking.

"What were you going to talk about today?"  One asked.

"Well this... but, it doesn't seem relevant." I indicated at the paper in front of me. 

"Not now, no." She replied.

And thus is the way of collaboration, someone shares, another responds and all of a sudden you are working on a multiple minded project.

This is what the night became.  A conversation of collaboration on 'collaboration'.

"What do you do if collaborating is hard?" I posed

"Where is the commitment to collaborate?" I searched.

These are tough questions and the communication of the answers even tougher.

"Communication." One responded.

"What if communication is disjointed and hard?" I asked

I was throwing questions at two collaborators I hold dear. 

"There are two kinds of people Amy."  this  'photographer-girl-friend' of mine said.  "There are those like you, and those like me."

What she meant:

There are the motivators, the organizers, schedule keeper creatives who spear head projects.

and then

There are the joiners, the sporadic, the follow the muse and follow your nose creatives who join in on projects.

"And isn't that so true." I replied.

"But what happens when you have two Motivators trying to collaborate?"  I wondered

"Two Joiners trying to collaborate?"

And we discussed:

Clear communication on what expectations are, is paramount to maintaing a healthy balance and strong outcome of work.

So this 'Collaberation?' night, became a true and honest "Collaberation" night.

Without these two women, who are both collaborators with me on multiple projects, I would not have come out with a stronger and deeper topic for the month.

Sometimes it is those that join with you, that bring you to that "Titling Project" moment.

"I dont understand why you feel so strongly on collaboration."  one solo artist had said confused.

But I have a better understanding now more than ever.

Collaboration brings a whole new perspective, understanding and expierence.  

Collaboration brings unity, depth and life. 

Collaboration is nothing without honest clear communication.

The struggle of Collaboration is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is a true and amazing journey of multiple spirits working together for an end product.

©2014 Jeremy Lai

A renissance tradition that now influences the field in the study of any art.  

“mentor |ˈmenˌtôr, -tər|
noun
an experienced and trusted adviser
an experienced person in a company, college, or school who trains and counsels new employees or students.”

— New Oxford American Dictionary

“mentee |menˈtē|
noun
a person who is advised, trained, or counseled by a mentor.”

— New Oxford American Dictionary

During the time of Renaissance, a young boy at the age of twelve would begin helping the "Master Artist" at his workshop, work along side him, slowly learning over the years the art and eventually, move on from there to become an artist on his own.

Now, we have girls and boys all capable of learning their art by attending classes and through the education system.  Unfortunately, it is those who are in privileged families who can afford the classes, and those in the few schools who have strong artistic classes that benefit.  Even then, the arts span past the famous writing and painting.  School children do not have every art form under their finger tips, as art has grown more widespread and diverse over the centuries. 

We can agree:

In all fields of work and study it is important to be mentored.  To connect with another who is more skilled/learned/experienced, but also encouraging and wants to see growth into independence and success. 

A real Master

A real Mentor

Is someone who is ageless.  They do not see age or experience, but potential in another.  They do not see limitations or doubts but opportunities and hope.  They are someone who teaches by how they live.  They teach without teaching.  They are those that sit down and cultivate and create rather than ponder, obsess and stew.  

A real Apprentice

A real Mentee

Is someone who seeks wisdom.  They do not get caught up in their unworthiness but that they are worthy enough to receive.  They do not judge quickly, but spend time weighing out advice, methods, and experiences.  They are answer seekers everyday they live.  They learn by asking and listening, listening and weighing.  They are those that sit down and ask, soak and do rather then talk, yell and obsess.

I want to be that Mentee.  I want to be that Mentor.

Shouldn't we all be Mentored, and be mentoring?

I believe we need to seek out those with their hands raised, the answer-seekers and start meeting their needs.  We need to each take responsibility for who we can mentor.

And similarily.

We need to be raising our hands and seeking answers.  We need to be open and ready to recieve when a mentor comes our way.  We need to cultivate communication that we are not above being taught. 

This is the renaissance way, and in 2014, we can do one better.  Men and women, boys and girls of all ages can and should be in the mentoring process of whatever art form / field they are in. 

I am raising my hand.  Do you see me?

I am looking for you.

"I facilitate thinking, I engage minds, I listen to questions, I encourage risk, I support struggle, I cultivate dreams, I learn everyday I teach." - Unknown. 

View fullsize

©2014 Jeremy Lai

It is curious that the Renissance movement spanned the 14th to 17th Century and yet the origin of the "The Starving Artist" came from the 18th - 19th centuries.  

Why has our culture embraced this belief?  That to pursue the arts is to pursue poverty?

The trades, the academics, the athletics, and the arts.  Why cannot they exist together in possible lifestyles and work to pursue?

All of these things are what make our society move, breathe and evolve.  Without one we are unbalanced.

Why do graduated artists from various art forms decide to stick to a nine to five when their heart beats for something else?  Why do so many say " it's a nice hobby" when a writer says they are going to write?

One hears: 

"How will you pay for bills if something goes wrong?" 

"At least you can always go back to the other career if this doesn't work out." 

"It's a nice thing to do on the side."

All of these things stem from the belief that to pursue art means to pursue a lack of provision.

In the Renaissance, artists were as nesseccary as tradesmen.  They studied and lived the same. They were respected as a person who is pursing a higher calling.  They were hired and used within the community.  They were not always successful or wealthily, but they pursued their work, without the stigma of 'poor'.  They pursued their passion without the belief that it was 'a cute hobby on the side.'

Yes, I have less money now as a storyteller than when I worked as an Interpreter.  It is also true that I am happier now than I was then.  There is a moment of walking into your passions and you realize that provision for work and living happens as you walk in faith.  

I am striving to find the stories that need telling and I will tell them with a passion that surpasses anything I did before.

This striving, has led me to taste the luxiourious real-tastes of a dinner shared with others while truly being present.  This striving has led me to the true enjoyment of the ability to study and learn when the funds are provided.  This striving to live and tell the truth has fulfilled me with a whole new outlook and it this that has fills my pockets.  

Somehow when you strive for more than 'satisfied' you end up with an overflowing.  Tight moments become moments of adventure, and when you see provision you know that you are truly pursuing that higher calling on your life.

So just a note.

I have not starved yet.  In fact, I eat more.

I am striving, in fact, I may have more passion now than ever before.

I am thriving.

Striving

Leonardo da Vinci [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

“Renaissance |ˈrenəˌsäns, -ˌzäns|
the revival of art and literature under the influence of classical models in the 14th–16th centuries.
• the culture and style of art and architecture developed during this era.
• (as noun a renaissance) a revival of or renewed interest in something: rail travel is enjoying a renaissance.”

— New Oxford American Dictionary

"You have only been an unemployed for two work days.  You have no reason to stress out, engineers wait for months for work.  You are two days into this."  He had said.

I snuff, turning over.  Easy for all of them to say with their degrees and fancy knowledge. I think to myself. 

And then like a whisper.

"You are intelligent." I remember her words as I learned this past year.

"You know, I replied into the darkness, 'in renaissance times artists never worried about the status of employment... they were offered food, and a roof over their heads to pursue their work no questions asked.  They studied with their master artists like apprentices and once they learned those skills they themselves became artists...and they were employed by anyone and everyone."

"You know what you need?  A 'patron'."  He echoed with the word that reverberated in my mind.

"Exactly!"  I quickly replied back.

I stopped.  

Wait, thats it.  

Renaissance, a time when artists congregated, lived, thrived, explored and found.

That is what I need to be.  Sure, we all need to eat, but what is the renaissance artist?

“Rise of the artist depended on a number of non-aesthetic factors.

1. Patrons of the Renaissance were more than people of power – they were also learned and cultivated.
2. Households were hospitable to all kinds of learned individuals: poets, philosophers, mathematicians and scholars.
3. Into this world the most privileged artists were admitted.
- Artists continued to work with their hands, but they could be forgiven the paint stains on their clothes if they knew the manners of the court, understood the conversation, and could contribute in the way of ideas.
- Painters and sculptors were anxious to show they were educated people – closer to poets and philosophers – people who did not soil their hands. At least, they might be considered closer to architects, who were known to be able to command theoretical knowledge.”

— http://www.uwgb.edu/malloyk/lecture_6.htm

Two points resonate: 

• The artists of the Renaissance had a higher purpose:
• They wanted to make art means of searching for the meaning of existence.

Thus begins a  2014 writers embarkment on a renaissance artist journey!  What can the renaissance way teach us?  What can it possibly show us in regards to collaborating with our community, our society, our families and friends?  What can it teach us to not do?  

A Millennia collision with a Renaissance Way.

What a difference a table can create.  After much labour of love "Barkton Place" home D.I.Y. Project was completed and the table with six chairs now was covered in food and glasses of wine and other beverages.  New faces and old faces attended this gathering and we were all relieved to finally share in another friday night together.

This month was the beginning of change in a lot of these lives.  In all this hustle and bustle of creativity, each artist was going through some sort of development in their work.  

Even waiting.

Waiting in and of itself is development.  What develops while you wait, for one soon to be architect student, is the growth of what that outcome will have.  

Interested to see how these women were dealing with their need to hold in / share / communicate their work or lack thereof , a question was posed.

"As an Artist/Creative, what does it mean to have a safe person to share with?  Do you have one?"

Mostly stemmed from my own discoveries and revelation from Julia Camerons' "Walking in this World" 

"One of the trickiest issues in a creative life is the issue of private support and encouragement for our creative leaps - no matter how they are received.  As artists, we do not need private adulation, but we do need before, during, and after friends, those people who love and accept us no matter what our current creative shape and size.  We need friends who understand that a creative success may bring an onslaught of pressures nearly as devastating as a creative failure."

The responses:

• "I have a safe few people but it was a journey to discover who is enriching to your life and who isn't.  For me, It's more about who is a positive more than a negative."
• "Having a safe person to talk to, is as simple as life or life.  Death perhaps not in a physical sense, but mentally, emotionally...it allows you to keep moving - When you would otherwise be stuck.  Without movement in the creative mind, there can be utter confusion and stagnant waters.  Having a safe person continues the ebb and flow of the creative tide."
• Having someone to share your ideas and be confident that they will be honest with their opinions.

Our discussion weaved in and out of topics and we agreed that being able to vent when confusion comes while having someone who will give advice to get you back on track is imperative.

It is in the knowing who to go to.  You don't need to get all from one person.  In having 'safe people' to go through the process of being a creative, is taking the time to know yourself and know who you need to talk to in the moment. 

The thing with unsafe people who can say damaging things to our inner artist child, is that they are not being deliberate (for the most part).  Most of those lovely people, are simply not equipped or made to be aware or sensitive to the process that we are going through in that moment. 

Neptune Theatre ‏@NeptuneTheatre

“relish |ˈreliSH|
noun
great enjoyment ... liking for or pleasurable anticipation of something”

— New Oxford American Dictionary

rel·ish

 noun \ˈre-lish\

: enjoyment of or delight in something

Working with a director is a privedlge and one can never be sure how a director directs.  This journey into Spring Awakening has been an inspiring and extremely riveting one.  He is a director who wants work "to breathe" and take on a life of its own.  He gives room for skill to be flexed and glittered.

On the last session of 'notes' that he gave, he said something that caught in the air and then slowly drifted down, resting on us all as our tired bodies sunk into the seats and imagined what opening night would be.

His words went something like this:

"I would do yourself a favour now and not do anything else but this (Spring Awakening shows) until it is done.  As a student, I always religiously took off show times so I could relish in the expierence and everything it entails."

I was enraptured.

Yes, I would most definitely do nothing but relish in this expierence, and that is what being in the midst of art means.

To enjoy, 

To delight in

To relish.

Call it what you will: art, creativity,

Life as a whole...

Let us relish in the experience of every art piece we see, do, experience and have.

Life is art

And 

Art is life

That means every moment is to be relished.

Shadow Birds in flight...

Remember verb \ri-ˈmem-bər\

: to have or keep an image or idea in your mind of (something or someone from the past) : to think of (something or someone from the past) again

: to cause (something) to come back into your mind

: to keep (information) in your mind : to not forget (something)

Creating is a process of movement, and there is nothing stationary about a writers year in tandem with seasons.  A fluid moving ocean with swells, waves and stills.

It is on this twenty fifth day of life that I turn and look behind me.  

A far distance from a story that almost wrecked health, relationships, and sanity.  Caught in a current, there were hopeless helpless cries to the birds that flied above from my spirit to theirs. And tattooed birds grace this ones left shoulder.  A reminder of the birds that are freed and given flight.

It may seem like a lifetime ago, but I need to look behind me.

To remember.

A phone call on a twenty-fifth birthday dropping possibilities, and I have to keep present.  

Remember

We all have shadows of our past selves walking behind us, reminding us.

They can be the shadows of truth whispering encouragement, or one can allow them to be whispers of darkness trying to pull you back.

Which are yours?

My shadow is a girl of confusion.  A girl who would rather rely on someone else' definition of herself than step out on her own.  Independence is a scary thing and is it not funny how birds will be shoved out of nests to be taught how to fly?  Yet a girl can't even get her toe out.  And that shadow speaks to me.

"You learned how to fly...see."  She points to my shoulder and I remember.

I remember the moment I dedicated all of my words to truth.  The moment I remembered that I was a writer who gave my life, my words, my art to everything that was beyond myself.

On this twenty five, I remember and I say it again.

"My work, my life, my art, everything, it is not mine.  It is for the One who called me and brought me out of the fear-nest and into the night sky.  The One who strengthened my wings so I could see the dawn.  To the One who provides the shelter from the rain and the worms for the eating.  The One who receives glory to see me fly, Who provides so I can flourish, Who lavishes love, grace, healing and words.  To that One, I live, breathe, and give my life to."  

On this twenty five I find myself coming up to a wide open sky, and I will Remember my shadow life, so I can live my full life.

Now.

©2014 Jeremy Lai

"Mirrors don't lie.  Or do they?  Mirrors have a way of showing you what you want to see."

“Re.spect noun \ri-ˈspekt\
a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc.
a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way
a particular way of thinking about or looking at something”

— New Oxford American Dictionary

Inside rehearsal studio space one is challenged, pushed, encouraged, and one is being watched.  Always watched and the mirrors don't lie.  There is a 'self-awareness' that occurs when mirrors are placed before you to watch yourself work.  

You see you.  They see you, and the audience...eventually will see you.

Chin high, you smile.  Of course, they will see.  That is the point.   Telling and sharing a story.

Mirrors don't lie.

Or do they?

Mirrors have a way of showing you what you want to see.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"  She asked

"You are" It replied

Of course, you hear what you want to hear. See what you want to see.

But have you checked your eyesight lately?

What are you truly seeing?

"Do you ever have a moment... or week where everything you do or say seems just...terrible... like that you were so smooth before and then you just open your mouth and even you don't know or understand what you said?"  I asked him.  This fellow actor and brilliant example of what character work is all about.

"Oh yeah."  he said.

Thoughts tumbled, and then he spoke words I can't all remember but they were something like a word water fall I needed.

"I think it comes down to your expectations of yourself.  A rehearsal process is for practicing, thats why there is time to 'rehearse'.  If I need to sit down, or grab a drink of water I will because that is why I am here.  To practice."

These were the words of someone who knew them self.

Words hit the inside of my skull like cold water, and there it was.

"Treating self, with self-respect".  My inside voice echoed.

The lack of self-confidence everyone was saying I was in that week... looking in mirrors and seeing a clumsy woman... it was a lie.

It was self-respect that was lacking.

And suddenly, I saw the woman that walks with words, intelligent and bright.  

And there it was.

Self-Respect.

Respect yourself, be kind to yourself and above all, never doubt your place. 

It was comical.  To have a small group of women and no real voice to use to communicate with them.

It was that time of year.  When spirits start to sag, immune systems go down and suddenly, although Spring has arrived the weather has not yet fully turned and we are anxious.  

For myself, attending a film workshop the day before and being sent home due to not being well enough to be in front of a camera.  Debilitating.  An artists spirit is to work and when work is like a slug how do we cope?

I laid the question on the table.  Knowing they would see.

"What are the struggles so far in 2014?"

Each arrived and suddenly I heard a quip.

"Do you want me to write an essay?"

It seemed the timing was right on mark with these Halifax Creatives.

The answers?

• Comparing myself to others
• Accepting, transisiotning out of things and into new things
• Feeling inspired, yet lacking the desire to follow through
• Self Doubt
• Physical distractions (Sickness etc.)
• To be clever
• Money, or lack thereof 
• People
• Condifence

And as one so perfectly put it:  "Well, theres the whole 'life' thing..."

How do we overcome our personal issues and use them to benefit our work and energy rather than getting bogged down by them?

Simply that

Use it.

Take the lack of confidence and turn it into a piece about 'simply that'.

Get at work whether it feels good or not.

Creatives are not brilliant because every piece they create is brilliant.  No,  they are brilliant because they work at their craft whether it is understood or not.  Whether it is appreciated or not.  Whether the pay is there or not.  Whether they are healthy or not.  

Creatives create because they were called to.

We began to listen to one another, and listening during a season of 'lack' can be exactly what a spirit needs.  Listening to the heart beat of another, the doubts of your inner self...

"Doubt is a signal of the creative process.  It is a signal that you are doing something right - not that you are doing something wrong or crazy or stupid.  The sickening chasm of fear that doubt triggers to yawn open beneath you is a huge abyss into which you are going to tumble, spiralling downwards like you are falling through the circles of hell.  No, doubt is most often a signal you are doing something and doing it right."  - Julia Cameron 'Walking in this World'

©2014 Jeremy Lai

“renew |riˈn(y)o͞o|
verb [ with obj. ]
resume (an activity) after an interruption
give fresh life or strength to.”

— New Oxford American Dictionary

"Go through your scripts and highlight every time a 'season' is referenced."  He said from his place behind the piano.  This musical director means what he says.  His appearance, though always relaxed, holds a specificity to it, that draws one in.  He is relaxed enough, but because he knows exactly where he has to be with every note.  

It was this that triggered thoughts on the word of the week.

Spring Awakening may just be a musical to take stage in less than a month, but it is becoming a title that means more than just teenage awareness.

Seasons are apparent in the city of Halifax.  Our Summers are glorious and full of cars rushing to the coast to catch a wave or spot on a sandy beach.  Autumns are crisp and crunchy with starbucks coffee in hand as people walk in and out of places to be.  Winters are (like with any east coast weather) unpredictable and windy.  Snow falls and turns to slush, and trees are barren.

Spring

Spring in Halifax, is an awakening of life.  Suddenly, outdoor resturaunt patios are being put into place, the faces of people along the streets are no longer hidden by hoods and scarves, and doors are open for the fresh air to flow through.

As a creative, I need fresh air.  So frustrated I was one night with my rolling thoughts keeping me awake, that I rushed to the windows (which had a plastic insulation shrink wrap over them to conserve on energy) ripping them down I shoved the window open to take in the cold, but dewey air of winter turning spring.

And this is what it means to give fresh life or strength to.  We need that air to rush through our lungs to even think better.

I need to breathe without being restricted, held, suffocated.

Our perspective on life can be suffocating.

Limiting.

Allowing money, timelines, status, plans to be the reason for anything...

It suffocates the life-breath.

Creatives may speak about this more, but even those who don't take on the label need to breathe.

"The fear of what is next is just your bodies way of asking "What is next?".  It is a way for your body to see 'what are  the things that are important for you in the next part of your journey?'"  - Danielle Doiron (Halifax, Actor & Friend)

And this I breathe with.  I see the renewing with the opening of windows. 

I highlight the seasons of life in script and in my walk through this journey...