Here on the East Coast, it is white.

Like a new duvet cover our world has been blanketed.  Not just once, but over and over again.

For some, this is suffocating.  To be layered upon layered with white.

For me?  This is miraculous.  

No matter how many negative posts come out about our weather I am still smiling with my wilted tulips that I just had to say goodbye to.  Because Spring WILL come.  It does every year, and no matter how much weather we get in any season, there will be complaining.

It's too muggy.

It's too hot.

It's too cold.

It's too rainy.

It's too slushy.

It's too....

The city of Halifax has miraculously avoided many tragedies in the past few months.  One specifically in a public place which could have been devastating.  

Think of that.

Think of our soldiers away in hot countries who would give anything to be back in their snowed in homes, with their spouses and children.  Shovels instead of weapons. 

Think of the farmers whose land is getting the most rejuvenating moist giving season this year.  That we might actually profit from the lands white on white covering.

Think.

I hope the snow continues for as long as it needs to.  Because white on white might actually be what our land needs.  Because weather comes and weather goes and what is left is still you.

You are still the same person with or without the white.  If you are anxious for Spring, you will still be anxious when it arrives.  Because once Spring weather is here and all the rain douses our land, and the frost covers our tulips during a flash freeze, we'll be complaining then too.  

What is our problem that we can be in one of the most beautiful places on earth with all it's entitlements and still find reasons to be discontent?

I'll let winter sing a bit longer so I can learn patience, joy and rest in all this white it has layered on me.  

Sometimes life is in those quiet moments.

You know,

Those real live moments that are quiet.  

The nothing but ticking of the clock.

The twitch of a cats tail.

The feeling of a baby inside a tummy stretching for more room.

The blinking of a cursor on screen as thoughts scattered try to come together.

...

I don't want to be so busy that I miss those moments.

And often we are in the quiet moments when we least expect it.

Leave room for the quiet moments.  The moments that take us by surprise and make us pause.  Pause further.  Press into the silence.  There is something there worth finding.  Something there worth trusting.  May it rest on us and may we not be too scared to accept it as settles.

.....

We like labels.  They tell us exactly what something is or isn't.  They categorize, organize and set into place what we yearn to define.

We are born into this process.  We are given a name, and from there everything else follows.  We lean slightly one way towards what is so often called "The Right Brain"  (Which is a complete myth of a concept) and we are labeled 'Artistic/Creative'.  We lean in the opposite way and suddenly we are all "Logic".  

These labels that the our systems, cultures, and norms set up as a whole, only teach over time limitations instead of freedoms.  

Because when we are told something enough, we will believe it.

In my High School Grade 11 year I was picking out courses with my guidance counsellor and expressed a desire to take the next Biology class the following year.  I enjoyed the one I had taken, and wanted to take another one.  I liked the material and it interested me. 

The response?

"You can't take that. You are not good at it.  It won't look good on a transcript."  

That was that, I was dismissed as not good at Biology therefor I had no business being in a class that would teach me about it.

Implied Label: Not smart in the sciences.

I accepted it.  I never took a science course again.

Labels.

"Why don't you ever use a nickname for me?  You've never given me a pet name!"  I whined at the man I had married years before and known for even longer still. 

"I don't know...it's not easy for me.  You have always been 'Amy' to me."  He spoke into the quiet of our darkened bedroom. 

"Just Amy."  I huffed holding a cat tail with my left hand and feeling the rumble of her purr through it. 

"Not, just.  Amy is enough, you are enough as you are.  You don't need any other way to describe you, because Amy says it all."

The cat purred louder and I let go of her tail turning towards him.

"Amy?"  I questioned not fully grasping how my three letter name could say anything more than a popular name trend.

"Amy."  He pulled me in and I heard his breathing get heavier.

He wasn't trying to label me. 

Why was I?

Because I wanted a label.  

"Tell me what I am."  I had so often asked my family, friends, teachers, online tests, bosses, colleagues ... 

I am this.

I am that.

We need to be anything but these labels.

We need to flourish without a definition. 

Because we are enough.

We were made to be exactly who we are.  Contradictions and Consistencies all wrapped up into one person.  

Never label yourself as anything, because labels limit you.

And you are anything but a label!

Embracing change is a habit that is hard to wear.  We like our routines, our rituals and our safe places and we keep them like religious practices. 

What is normal and comfortable to us, is how we so often define our being, as a person.

I was slammed with this at an early age.  Twenty years old and I already had professors calling me out.

"This is how I am."  I would say.  Knowing and able to explain all the reasons why I am the way I am.

"That is a selfish answer and you won't pass this program if you keep acting like you can't move past these things."  Was her response.  She was a hard core woman who knew I had a long way to go before I could graduate with this title 'Interpreter'.

I didn't know it then, but I know it now.

She wasn't accepting my 'fear' as a right for me to stay the same.

Because anyone who says "I just have to say this,"  "This is just the way I am," , "Its the only way I know how to be."  Those are the responses of a life kept in fear.

Because fear holds us back from seeing past our limitations.

Trust me.

Fear doesn't want you to win.

Fear doesn't want you to see another way of being, saying, acting or showing.  Because it likes you the way you are.  No change, no growth, no perspective.

Change comes around the corner and your reaction is all you have.  You can't stop change but you react to it and it's either you reacting with your fear or your ability to see past fear.

Fear is the root of almost every negative reaction.  

That little nugget of truth right there should be on blast the next time you respond, explain or require a reaction from another.

Fear is the underlying theif that likes to sneak in and take your freedom away.  It tells you to rely on your crutches and your insecurities and it tells you that you will always, without fail, be the way you are.

But we weren't made to be enslaved to 'the same'.  We weren't made to be frozen in our tracks.  We were given more than that from the day we were conceived and it's time that we accepted the ability to move past ourselves.

We need to change like we are fearless.

We need to grasp renewal of the mind daily.

Like a watch you put on to remind you of the time.

Put on a watch that ticks fearlessness instead of minutes.

We were made for more than fear.

So go and get your fearlessness and jump into change like it's a pool of tropical water that was waiting just for you.

What if social media was more than just a representation of what we wanted people to see?  What if we actually expressed our true selves and then sent each other full grace and full love in return?

What if there was a "Giving Love" button?

What if there was a "Sending Grace" button?

What if there was a "Forgiveness" button?

What if there was a button you clicked that hovered over every text, photo, video and emoji that was called "Transparency" and when you clicked it, you actually saw what was underneath all those words, that face, that moment, those sounds, that icon?  

Life has a timeline and we forget this in our very caught-up-with-our-phones type-of-world.  The instant connection has a way of messing up our sense of forwardness.  We either are thinking about now, or scrolling back through the images and posts of 'before'.  

That 'before' has a way of skewing our identity and making us believe that there is always another person with a better post, another picture from our past that says it better, another tweet to retweet and another pin to find that may D.I.Y. us into a better place. 

Someone is always going to be out there, sitting on their own experiences and ready to tell you what you have to brace yourself for.  They are ready to tell you the worst of their timeline because that's what is easier to do now.  We live in a 'high lights' world where the only moments that we allow ourselves to dwell on are the ones with enough reposts, likes, thumbs up or hearts. What about the other moments?  The ones that went unnoticed, untagged, unhearted, unpinned and unsaid?

Remember those days?

That time you did something and never tweeted it out, because it was too shameful?

That time that quote was posted on his wall that meant everything to you and nothing to anyone else, yet liking it wasn't an option you had?

That time that a picture was deleted off of Facebook because the memories hurt too bad?

That time someone made that quick comment beside you and you felt your heart lurch to the ground with despair?

The time you stopped uploading because the uploads were fake and you knew it?

Remember those days?

Those are the moments in our history that speak for the forward motion of how dates and days actually work.  They are all inclusive and don't hide, don't lie and don't pretend to be naive to the present, the past or the future.

If social media was turned upside down, we might actually see something worth sharing, worth reposting, worth responding to.  It might actually be a representation of realness and wholeness.  

Because you can't get wholeness in your life unless you get real first.  And real isn't hiding the trauma, the depression, the anger, the desperateness that lives on the inside of the posts.  

Real is exposing it.

Real is pressing a button under it that says:
"Sending Grace"   "Sending Love" , Sending "Mercy".

Because if I am honest, I am no more or less closer to the place you are in, than you are.  

That's the reality.

That's real.

We are all but one step away from wreckage.  One step away from destroying our lives.  

And social media has a way of allowing us to hide from this truth.  What if we just turned it upside down and shook things up a bit?

Could you handle it?

It isn't that we should lay down and be doormats to the loving process.  It isn't that we should take our beating hearts and throw it across a field like a football and expect it to be caught.  And it isn't that we should take our good intentions and heartfelt words and expect the wind to take them where they should go.

It isn't that.

It is something else.

We love wrong all the time.

It's not that we wanted to.  Not that we planned to.  It happened the way loving wrong does.  It slips out of our hands and we don't notice until someone else finds and shows it.  Sometimes, we stay in all that denial.  It couldn't be our love that was left there, we wouldn't do that.  We aren't that kind of wrong loving type of person.

It doesn't change the truth.

You left love where it didn't belong.

How do we recover from all that wrong loving?

Wrong loving is only healed by right loving.

Loving the brokenness.

Loving the healing.

Loving the way God has to piece back together all the broken pieces of our mistaken places.

Do we deny the real?

No.  Because wrong loving is as real as right loving.

Never accept the words "but it wasn't real."

It was.

And you bled that real on the floor and that ain't blood stained denial.

That's blood stained reality.

I hear too much of the doubts of a recovery process.  It's bleak, they did too much.  They are broken too bad.  I can't look at them this way.

WAKE UP!

LOOK AT THEM.

LOOK AT YOU.

Look at that brokenness straight in the face and don't break eye contact.  That is beauty, that is love, and that is real.  You can't deny that real, once we give it a good acknowledgment, because the more you look, the more you see yourself reflected in their eyes.  

We are all just as broken in different ways and Loving it Out, means to stop the judging, stop the criticizing and start the loving.

Love them for their mistakes, love them for their darkness and you will find that as you love your soul heals faster and changes in a way that makes your movements in life like a dance.

And we dance in right love because thats what dance does, it dances in the light of glory and grace.

Loving the Right means Loving the Wrong.

A new year for The Creatives means more than just a number, it means embracing the unknown and in many cases, being okay with where we are now.

There wasn't an agenda set forth or any particular way to go about how this group collectively shares and communicates.  That's how it has become.  It ebbs and flows with those that join and the room for an openness is expected.

There are close knit friendships, there are newly met aquaintences, and there are unknown faces that sprinkle the room.  With a third trimester belly, I do my best to sit back and observe as I so often tend to do.  I take in the dynamic of the room.  I monitor for safety, and I monitor for vulnerability.  Sometimes I sense a sensitivity and work hard to watch out for it.  Sometimes I notice an eagerness in a newcomers eye and I hope for it to be blessed.

The Creatives is a scary concept.  It isn't for those who wish to pretend that they are 'normal'.  Whatever 'normal' means.  These women gather and display all their differences and journeys without hesitation and those that are new to it, I hope are wrapped up in safe arms and feel moved.

What took place on this first gathering of 2015 was the knitting together of these women.  One by one, each and every woman shared and nodded with the journey of 'acceptance'.  It isn't about where you can't seem to get/reach, but what you are doing today.  And 'doing' today is the movement that will bring you into 'tomorrow'.  

One actor-woman has the voice of a true singer and there is merit to this talent and dream.  It isn't just 'you sing well' , it's a 'that's natural and beautiful'.  And there is always a struggle for artists/creatives to feel validated enough to go out and do, but there is a whole group of women behind a voice saying 'do'.  And we want us all to 'do'.  Not for the pressure, but for the love of it.

And there it was.  Our reasons behind ourselves.  We crave to do these things, yet feel incapable, inferior and as if we've missed that boat.

We were made to do these things.

We are capable.

We are skilled.

We are on the boat.

There are seasons where we will be quiet, and restful in our passions, and there are seasons where we will be loud and busy in our passions.  Neither season is to be ignored or seen as better as the other.  In the quiet we are given the ability to see things, do things and expierence things that we need to be present and acceptant of.  In the loud, we are given the ability to take all of ourselves and put it into something that makes, does, is, and will affect others.

Ultimately , we move where we are at.  No matter what that looks like we will be moving to the beat of ourselves.  Comparison isn't for us.  It destroys us, so we say no to it and anything else that may block us from where we are and need to be this year. 

We do 'Dreams' like we do 'Now'.

And

We do 'Art' like we do 'Life'.

There isn't enough time spent on the ways in which we need to rest.  Need to heal.  

We are walking hearts who experience any manner of things in the run of a day.  It's not to say that we can't handle it, but it is to say, that we play possum to the amounts of blows we take.  We keep on going without a deep moment to process. 

And sometimes life happens and we get blown out of our reverie and healing is but the only thing we have left. It's painful.  

There is a process and a waiting for healing that doesn't seem to make sense to our instant-living type of lives.  The process of healing a broken heart can, in the midst of it all, be the most torteourus recovery.  The process of healing our bodies can be, in the midst of it all, an intricate complex journey.  

Yet there is a process that needs to occur for the healing to take place.   

We need to break first.  In order for us to recover, we need to submit our bodies, our spirits and our hearts to being broken and that is often the side of ourselves that we hate to see.  That we are fragile and capable of falling to pieces.  It's humbling, scary and almost unbelievable.  

But thats the truth of it.

We break.

We break, because we were made to reach for healing not just once in a while, but everyday.  We are everyday broken and everyday need to grasp for the healing we need.

This may be hard to swallow because it seems like an ode to the broken, the lost and the physically undone.  But it's for you.  The strong, the invisible, the confident and the happy.  Because you need this too.  Believe it or not, you need to let it be healing.

I say "Let it be healing" because I mean the any manner of things that you run into today, this week, this month, this year.  Let this be the time that you don't shy away from facing what you aren't strong in.

Healing occurs slowly, and we can only know it has happened once we look back.  So while you inspect your brokenness do not be discouraged, for seeing a break, a tear, an open wound, a scab...whatever it is you discover, you need to let those things stay open to the process one day at time.  

So let your moments, experiences, and circumstances open you up to the rest of the healing you need.  

It's an everyday thing.

So let it be healing. 

We are going to let out some of those unpretty words you got there in your hands.

People have words hanging in their closet that they dust off for rainy days to remind you of things you thought you had sorted.  It's not that they knew they would use those words at you, it's not that they dusted them off and said "this is just the kind of kick in the face type of thing I want to say to her next time."  Seriously, they didn't think that hard about it, but, it's still a thing isn't it?  That when you feel like you got it handled and settled someone always has to show up and throw some more of those unpretty words your way.  

Whats worse?  They have no idea that's what they did.

Some people are born cynics.

Some people are born motivated.

Some people are born worry warts.

Some people are born free spirits.

All people are born.

Since you were born and you might actually want to live a life that isn't weighed down by anothers words all tumbled out because they thought they were helping, sharing, communing...

You can say 'no'.

It's hard sometimes.

Saying 'no' to words that were well meant but ill regarded.

It's not that you want the person to zip up their words, but you want those unpretty words to change.  Because those words seep into your skin like water to your spirit and they feed you.  

You notice the 'It was rough', 'It wrecked me.' and the 'It's okay."  when actually, your spirit needs it as 'It was real', 'it made me' and 'it will become clear in time.'

But you can't tell words to change.

You can't blame anyone for your word needs.

But you can say no.  And it won't be pretty, it won't come out smooth and pretty as you imagined it, because whenever you need to keep the positive going, there is never an easy way to do it.  It's like turning on a bright light after being in the dark for too long.  Your eyes can't adjust fast enough and you are left blinking.  

You are blinking.

They are blinking.

Ouch. 

So accept that it can't be an easy process when you are fighting your insecurities and your negative monsters.  

You know what YOU need, and just because someone else thinks you need some good ol' fashion 'This is how it is' talk, you are the only one who knows if and when you need to hear it.

And us listeners who see that another is affected by our narrative, we need to back those words up! 

We need to back up and breathe because the last thing we want to do is send someone off with a version of our words that didn't leave them with truth that softened and not truth that stung.

Truth doesn't sting it heals, so the truth of your story should be to heal and bring salve to a wound.  Words have power and we can't be so concerned that someone isn't 'getting it', when really...it's us.  

Our communication, our narrative, our words that we think are just normal, may actually have a side to them that are unpretty, unwelcome and unhelpful.  

And if truth words heal, then our receivers should be healing along with us as we share.

You can do anything.  That is a true statement.  Limits are not enforcable against the human spirit and heart.  You can take on the world.  You can move others with your passion, dedication and work.  

And then,

You can sell out.

I am not talking about that kind of 'I said I would do this, but now I am not.'  

I am pointing my gaze at the:

"I can do it all, maintain it all and be all" mentality.

It's in all of us today.  That 'wake up, roll out of bed, overcommitted, yeah, I do it all' type living.

I am calling BS. on that.  Yeah, yeah, harsh words.  Get over it.

It's the type of selling out your life that when I walk down the street and see a 'SOLD' sign on your property and you say "It's still for sale, come on in and sit for awhile...heck, why don't you purchase a piece of this land?" And I am thinking "Seriously?  You are trying to sell me an already sold house?"

Thats what we are....

We are walking sold properties to the things we have already committed to and somehow we want to do more.

The worst part is, you can tell someone "I am in over my head, I have to focus on other things right now."  But everyone is so sold out themselves they couldn't see a sold out person even if they were worn out, drained in front of them.  "We are all over our heads."  Comes the response and they wring us out for more.  But we are dry and we suffer.

There is this collection of 'things' that we like to boast of.  

I do this.

I bought this.

I go here.

I go there.

I attended this.

I support that.

We are so many kinds of SOLD OUT, that we have no idea that:

We do this rushed.

We bought this why even?

We go there late.

We go here stressed.

We attend this flippantly.

We support this selfishly.

It's not that we want to be like this, but thats what happens to us when we are sold out.  We can't see that our motives, our energy, our dedication is off.  We can't see that our hearts are slightly bent towards the 'performance' and just a titch away from 'whole hearted'.  It's hard to notice when you have a tendency to walk slightly to the left, but then all of a sudden if someone or yourself doesn't correct it?

You'll be in the ditch.

In the ditch with a sign on your back that says "I am all kinds of Sold Out and I don't know how it happened."

We don't want to be Sold Out for any reason.  We want to buy in, and be there.  We want to know our limits and know how much we can handle giving out before we crash.  For you it may be less, for another more.  

There needs to be a respect level for those who need to stop selling out.  A need to respect the desire to be balanced in this 'phone on twenty-four-hours' world.

It's time for us to set our boundaries for healthy balanced living and stop rushing as if "we" are gods.  Enjoy those quiet nights in.  Permit ourselves to say no to 'another event'.  We can't run on the steam of 'good intentions', because 'good intentions' so often turn into 'look at everything I am doing.'  And that's just toxic.  It's air that will crush growth and stop the flow of anything good.

If we're 'all kinds of sold out' then it's time we take those signs in our front yards seriously.

We arn't gods, so we shouldn't act like we are. 

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Babymoon in December 2014

Twenty-seven weeks pregnant,  glass of milk in hand, savouring these moments that have accumulated over the past three or so months.

They were right when they said the second trimester brings a new sense of energy, glow, and renewed sense of body awareness.  I am not sure if I have ever felt as sexy as I do now.  Sure I can't fit into that dress I bought from New York.  The one that hugged my frame and showed that I was indeed all woman.  But this is something magical!  This growing body of mine has taken on a life that has words to share, and adventures up her sleeve.  There is a delicate but very notable change in my curves and I never knew one could stretch in this way.  Stretch in all ways physical and all ways spiritual.

Pregnancy is a spiritual thing I have come to realize.

It is an ode to creation and all things that speak to something more.  I have been digging for the more, and it has been refreshing and renewing.

She bumps and turns.  She hiccups and kicks.  She has felt the rumble of her cats purr above her while they sleep and she has learned that her mama is a reader and a singer.

My heart began to burn during these moments and I realized how much it truly does burn.  A mama will burn for all things to procure a journey for a life.  It's realizing the values and morals.  The hopes and dreams.  The way in which we crave to raise her.  It brings a new sense of reason to the day to day.  And we aren't scared.  

We've been through fire and we came out refined.  We'd do it again.

So all this talk about parenthood taking us out:  

"You'll never have your body back."

"You'll never pee normal again."

"Save up on your sleep now, you won't get it back for a long time."

"Say goodbye to a social life."

I call those negative, destructive words and claims over our lives out.  They have no place over us, and no claim on our hearts.

Because people trash real life as if it's a shame.  They walk around wounded that life has seasons and responsibility.  They miss the real life moments because they are too busy thinking they got tricked by a transition.. 

So those people who like to sarcastically add 'helpful' quips to a soon-to-be-mamas heart...they don't have it right.  They have it all messed up and contaminated.  Life is meant to be lived not everyday the same, but everyday anew.  I won't trick myself into thinking that my physical, my mental, my emotional can maintain the same.  I'll be renewing it again and again, because I want to enjoy this life and all it's seasons no matter the circumstance.  No matter the convienence or inconvenience.  

This has been magical.

These months of growth have been filled with glimmer and sprinkled with worry.

All the way it is supposed to be.

Because she is life, and life is full of all the moments.

Not just one.