"Who do you think you are?"

Every time I stand up to act, dance, sing or write, I have a fleeting moment that I believe I am an imposter.  I am sure that by now it doesn't look like I am struggling.  That is what being a performer is all about.  You don't show the audience your fear.  You bring out the part of you that 'could' be confident and you stand in that 0.2% of yourself.  Confident. 

This was my year in theatre school.

Twenty-four and leaving a well broken in career for early morning rolling on the floor, yelling at the top of my lungs, singing out rhythms and creating theatrical montages with my body.  

"Who do you think you are?  You imposter!"

I saw the looks, heard the confusion and I felt the judgement. 

No matter which way you cut it, I was doing something many people thought I had already gotten out of my system.  The academics and MFA majors cannot fathom why an already careered adult would want to venture into a one year training program for the stage.

I decided my fear was less important than being true to the strong calling on my spirit.  I decided I would rather be an imposter then not at all.

I spent over eight months studying the performing arts.  It was everything I had dreamed.  Beautiful early mornings stretching my body and exploring every inch of my soul.  I was pushed.  I was given the floor to explore the wounds within my spirit.  

"Reach for more!"  I was told as I danced around a dress shirt.  A symbol for the people who have left.

"You are more intelligent than you think you are."  I was pulled aside after an in-depth discussion in class. 

"You have a powerhouse voice, now you just need to know how to harness it."  He said after a practice.

Yet.

"Who do you think you are?" echoes like heels in an empty hall. 

And I am here to tell you it still does.

The dark stiletto heels echo in my ears every time I stand up and say yes to doing what I was called to do.

And every time I say yes, there will also be a crowd of people with furrowed eyebrows and whispered thoughts behind doors.

And thats okay.

I am venturing into new terriority and as a stunning spirit declared truth over coffee.

"You better know who you are, because that voice is coming the more you step out."

If you step out, the voice is going to come.

It is going to whisper over your shoulder and it will make you quiver with doubt.  But the call is deeper.  The call is raw with dew and ready for you to step into.

I am here with hands open, ready to take yours into this journey of the unknown.  Where the voice of doubt grows louder and the call keeps us running faster and faster.

I want to run with you.

I want to dance with you.

I want to light a sparkler with you.

I want to stand with you.

I am a self proclaimed musical promoter.  I grew up on musicals, swing dance, broadway and old black and white film classics.  If someone started singing "Good Morning"  I would chime in and fill in where they left off.  

No, the song was not made for a viagra commercial.  (insert eye-roll here)

I remember the Christmas my sister and I received VHS tapes of "The Sounds of Music" with Julie Andrews and "My Fair Lady" with Audrey Hepburn.  That winter those two musicals played one after the other.  On repeat.  The dancing, the singing, the corepgrahy.  We soaked it in.

I have introduced many people to the classics.  To the new and the old of the triple threat world.  Song, dance and act.  

I have a confession...

I haven't been watching musicals (albeit once in a while) or listening to my adored accapella music for almost two years.  I have a lingering fear I will never sing, dance or act again.  That every time, is my last time. 

When I was pregnant I had to stop swing and blues dancing.  Nausea was my main symptom of pregnancy and when it did let up, my body still heaved at the thought of too much up and down. 

Somewhere in the pregnancy I began to avoid musicals, show tunes, and deep deep blues and jazz music.  It cut into me like a knife.  Like watching a lover be with another.  It was impossible for me to witness.  So I avoided my favourite city theatre, took all musical music off my iPhone and instead focused on reruns of Gilmore Girls.  Let it be said, Gilmore Girls is amazing.  Their references are on point and the ease of the narrative was perfect for me to rest to. 

I avoided the stage like the plague.  All for jealousy sake.  

This is what happens when we have a passion for something and push it to the side.  

It was fear.

Fear that I wouldn't ever sing, dance or act again. 

This year I am getting back into it.  It doesn't have to look like me moving to New York and pursuing the triple threat, it is me embracing this side of me and not feeling intimidated by that which also thrills me.

So far in 2016:

1.  I have joined a once a week intermediate Swing Dance Class.  The Follow Teacher is one I have not learned from before.  She is from another country and is bringing more skills into my dance repetoir.
2. I have joined a community choir to raise money for a Syrian refugee family.  They are singing through a famous musical and it is refreshing me on the technique of harmony and the rehearsal process.
3. I have picked out pieces and theory to work on the piano this Winter.  Finger excercies, Scale work, a contemporary piece, a worship song, & 2 classical pieces from a book I played years ago.  Going back to the basics. 

I can't talk enough about Pinterest.  It is my favourite form of inspiration.  It was years ago that I found Pinterest.  My best friend had told me about it and said that she was sure I would appreciate the site.  It took me a few weeks but eventually I looked it up and of course it wouldn't let me in.  At that time Pinterest was "elite" and you needed a friends referral.

"How are you not on Pinterest already?" my friend asked.

Half annoyed at her impatience I explained how I needed a referral.  She imediatly went in and requested me through email.

That is when I finally officially discovered pinterest.  Back then it was not as populated, used or known as it is today but there was also a mystery to it's wonder then.  Everything was like a shiny new magazine.  In that moment I abandoned my old scrapbooking ways and immediately switched to online pin boards that brought even more vision to my thoughts and concepts. 

Countless times I have had conversations with people and they have said it distracts them from doing what they want to be doing.  It overwhelms them with the amount of images and content, and it intimidates them.

With Pinterest it is all in how you use it.

Here is how I use Pinterest as a tool for living:

1) I streamline my content feed to my own preferences and interests.  

I go through all of the boards and Pinners I follow on a routine basis and make sure the only images that show up on my feed are exactly what I want to see.  With Pinterest, less can be more.  Now, Pinterest will also streamline for you, but the more streamline you are, the better your feed will be. 

2) My Boards are organized in a way that makes sense to me.  

For me it is : Amys Boards, Her Boards, She's Boards , Months, & lastly Shared Boards.  How you organize your boards are up to you, but I do suggest finding a method that works best for searching.  Alphabetical or order of importance are options. 

3) Use the 'like' button as a holding place for pins you are not sure about.  

Often times I will see a pin that says '5 ways to do ___' and I am not sure if I really want to pin it to a board so I 'like' it, check back in with it and it's link later before I pin it or unlike it. 

4) Find a routine that works for you.  

I have a few action items I do weekly through pinterest.  These are :  Food, D.I.Y./Activity, Monthly/Seasonal, Mama/Baby Activity.  Every week I pick a recipe I want to try, a new project I want to attempt or research, an activity to enjoy the season/month I am in, and one new activity to do with my daughter.  I do this because I never want pinterest to be full of "One days."  I want to stay active in trying new things and being inspired. 

5) Use Pinterest as an active vision board.  

Making vision boards is not a new thing.  For years the concept of scrapbooking, collecting, cutting and pasting has kept people inspired and interested in living.  My great grandmother had millions of articles, pictures and inspirational snippets cut out.   Use the concept that has been passed down to us to create an active inspirational spring board.  I have recently taken my favourite pins for envisioning 2016 and put them in a free online collage maker.  I know what the pictures mean and inspire in me but to someone else they may be different.

6) Have fun!  

Pinterest is not supposed to insite pressure or create new moms to feel scared of their childs first birthday party.  Making a full life is about using the tools around you to be happier and inspired.

Dearest twenty-sixteen,

I saw you across the room and my heart began to race.  I was arrested in the discovery of you and I must be honest, you have been escaping my grasp for far too long.

I have seen you in glimpses.  Here and there you have teased me.  A flirt at my expense and I know that to some degree I deserved this delay.  The chrysalids of my spirit was not yet ready for your obvious beauty.  I needed to walk the more complicated path, for life itself was teaching me the ways in which I needed to know I wanted and didn't want.

You may not know this yet, but, I believe we are meant for a partnership that will leave glitter in our wake.  Then again, the way you winked at me tonight when the clock turned 12:00am... maybe you know it too.

I want to dance with you like all the greatest of lovers do.  I want to listen to what you have to teach me like a student listens to their master, I want to run my fingers through your days like poet savers the lines in his poem.  I want to raise my voice and shout loud the words that we share.  

I am going to go all the way with you.  Like a secret love that can't be denied, I want to sit together our hands intwined and find the places in which no one else but us go.

Twenty-Sixteen, I have had other years, it's true.  You aren't the first, you are one of many.  Some good, and some not so bad.  Some were amazing.  Twenty-Twelve was a like holding hands with a drug addict.  I couldn't breathe, I could barely stand.  Twenty-Fourteen was like holding hands with a first-love.  Everything was blooming, evolving and becoming.  Twenty-Fifteen, well, she was like being tugged around by the hands of many.  Endless commentary on what I should or should not be feeling and doing, yet, only finding myself on those long walks and quiet.  Peace and quiet with just the baby girl and I.  No noise, no preconcieved ideas of how I would do my own life or look like, act like, be like... just the waves.  

So you see, twenty-sixteen, when I saw you across the room and we locked eyes, I was breathless.  There you were all glittery with a trail of gold behind you and I couldn't believe that it was me you were looking at.  I felt the heat of passion, hope and strength in my belly and I still feel it now as I recall the way you walked up to me.  Stopped inches from my lips.  You breathed on me, and I heard only two words in my head as I inhaled your scent.  "At Last".  

You smelled of blown out candles, salt ocean air, lavender fields and the end of bonfires.  I remember licking my lips in anticipation.  You waited until the very last second, until the last second of twenty-fifteen had left it's grip on me, and then you kissed me, full on the mouth.

I didn't think of anything in that moment.  No, I couldn't.  It was just this knowing that you were sent to me for a purpose and that somehow, our new connection will make ripples that only time will tell.

And thats when your kiss eneded.  I opened my eyes and you whispered.

"Hello,"

You never let me say anything in reply.  You simply winked one of your gorgeous eyes and went back to the wall I remember you leaning on.  But from that moment on, I stayed aware of you.  I am still aware of you.

You are here, and now I cannot ignore you.

"Hello."

Dearest Creatives everywhere,

I see potential in you.  I see you with your pocket full of creativity and I have a hard time containing myself.  I believe that everyone has a pocket of creativity and I believe it is those of us who dare to take what is in our pockets, look at what was inside, blow on it into the world who will flourish.

It is not about wether you can paint, write, draw, dance or sing.  Those are the words we have tagged on to a creative act, yes, but that leaves out other words.  There are words like, home, organize, engineer, lawyer, fashion, and cook.  These are also creative acts.  In fact, look at your life.  Your life is a creative act.  Because your life is making something.

So this 2016, I am taking a simple concept of what started as a group of women who met up once a month to share good food, wine and conversation about their creative questions, theories, work and more and I am blowing on it as if it was glitter in my hand.  

The Creatives is now not just a meet up, but a concept for a way of life.  This year I will be offering:

• Monthly Meet Ups: A monthly gathering of creative minded women to meet, listen and share. 
• A Book Club: A monthly book club meeting based on living creatively.  (4 books over the course of the year.)
• Seasonal Workshops: Four workshops led by creative and inspirational women. 
• A Retreat: Info TBA (Mid to late 2016)

And 

• Creative Mentoring Services: A four-step one-on-one program for those who want to boost their creative discovery, life and visions.

The Creatives started small, has grown, became small again, changed and evolved.  The size is not the point.  The point is for us to take what sparkle of creativity we have in our pockets and blow on it.  Give it the chance to catch a breeze and watch it land in a new and exciting location.

Join with me in the chrysalids of "The Creatives".

Amy Grace

Every year is a journey.  A chapter in our lives.

If I was to sum up this past year I would say: 

Wading through wreckage of real.  Wonder filled by miracle of birth.  Waiting on inspiration.

This year I have learned:

1) Always trust my intuition.  

Mama instincts are real, woman intuition is also a very real aspect of female functioning and to top that off with the interpreter training I have had to be highly aware of myself and those around me, I need to stop doubting myself.  If I feel strongly something isn't right for me or my family, it more than likely isn't.  Spending time feeling guilty for standing up for my instincts is a waste of my joy and health.

2) My body is a temple.  

There is nothing like pregnancy, birth and postnatal recovery that brought this discovery.  Nurturing my body for my daughters safety and then survival as a newborn has brought me to a place where I am driven by wellness instead of guilt.  What I put into my body will come out, and our bodies house our very spirits.  I want my whole self to leak light, health and truth.

3) I am intelligent.  

I have allowed for too long the idea that what I may lack is a reason for anyone to view me as unqualified, or unintelligent.  This is a lie and garbages what I have to offer to this world away.  I am a college diploma interpreter, certified and trained in theatre, student of piano for eight years, choir and musically trained vocalist, an intermediate Swing and Blues dancer, a natural baker, a beginner trained figure skater, and after all of that an untaught writer.  All of these elements of my expierence have created me to become a person who can speak on many topics and has the ability to create and work in the creative and academic environments that I step into.  I am capable and have more than enough to bring to the table.  

4) Life is precious.  

There is something about birthing a baby that gave me roots.  It's not about success, or how hard I have worked.  It is not about what I have written or if I sing well enough to move people.  It is not about the links, the videos, the pictures or what "I have done".  It's about wether or not I was present for the life I am living.  Creating a family has done wonders for my heart.  There has been a shift.  A focus.  The sound on my phone is always off and I guard my weeks to be anything but busy.  I would rather leave open spaces for the quiet moments and the not so rushed.  In the end, nobody thinks about the work they have done, but the people they loved.

5) Food brings me joy.  

As with most women, I have had a journey with food.  Eating too much sugar, not eating enough, forgetting to nourish my body in the way it needs.  Needless to say, the past few years of my life has been a journey back to food in the right way.  When I was hit with morning sickness and couldn't eat my normal diet I was crushed.  I didn't want any of it.  And although I didn't miss it then, a joy I had felt before in eating had left.  Recovering from birth Jeremy and I made a mission to introduce new and exciting foods into our diets.  And it was a journey that made me love food even more.  Food can be the best or worst thing for us.  It is all in how we use it.  

I will be taking a break this December to fast from media and mindfully consider the projects and work that I am being called to take on in 2016.  I sense a deepening and a call on my spirit to find the places and spaces that need me to go further for Grace, truth, inspiration and depth.  I am leaving my heart open to receive the inspiration as it filters in this next month and I sincerely hope that you join with me in 2016 to discover what it is that is there waiting.

There is a sparkle in the unknown and I am captivated by it.

May you look for the sparkle trail that is left for each of us like crumbs that leads to a banquet table.  May you listen to the Spirit and collapse in understanding when this beautiful life unfolds one precious day at a time.

 

Amy Grace 

Nicole Payzant Photography

The first six months:

New little family.  New little home.

Being parents to this little fire cracker is the biggest blessing and honour.  

We knew it was going to change us better and new, but we didn't realize how much we would change.  She has changed us.  

Her spirit upon conception filled me.  I felt her before I knew of her.   As her movements became normal to me, I took her in and felt her rythm and pace.  She was her own beat and I knew that this daughter was going to come out different, new and wonder-filled. 

I prayed then, and we pray now as we zip her into her sleep sac, wrap her up in her favourite yellow blanket, kiss her and pass her her beloved 'purple guy' which she grabs and pulls his blanket body over her face. 

"We pray you have a strong voice, an ability to discern and a strong sense of self."

So we parent this daughter who howls at any amount of disgruntlement, keeps eyes wide open for the world around her, and who leaves us amazed at what she is affected by.

It is she who is teaching us.

We are learning daily what it means to be present and aware.  We are aiming to not just suggest a healthy lifestyle, but to model it.  To model it, we have to be disciplined and determined of our own lives. 

Raising her is already days full of laughter, cries and outbursts of singing.  We are blessed beyond belief with her presence and we can only pray and continue to stubbornly demonstrate the life we want her to know.

What we have learned so far is that parenthood is not about you or about us.  Parenthood is about each unique spirit that is placed in the parents hands to raise up in a way that matches the unit that is created.  It is a her, him and I type of journey.  Each child is unique and each little family different.  

May we honour this journey and never take the blessing of her life for granted.  

We have gotten that crisp Autumn in our veins.  

We went deep.

We gathered small this time.  We gathered with our real and our raw and sometimes that leaves some of us breathless.  

We hesitate with our words, our art hangs in the balance of our honest moments and yet somehow blending it with others interrupts us from our safe place.

We are safe, yet we are in danger.

Us women who gathered were in danger of collapsing into what we are all scared of.

Judgement.

The pain and anguish of releasing ourselves into a wild feminine unknown.  Like lionesses we are barring our proverbial teeth, blood dripping with the kill and we have to protect ourselves from those who want what is rightfully ours to bring to the pack.

This may seem dramatic in words... this imagery of female prowess but in truth? It is not.

We Creatives are powerhouses of creation and the spirits we house are wild, daring, seductive and striking.  

Each woman different and dynamic addition to 'our pack'.  

A creative sits on the divide between pain and ecstasy.  We may differ in how we choose to label it, discuss it or entertain it, but it is there just the same.

This month the creatives entered the divide and we came out on the other side one step closer to comprehending what it is we have pitted ourselves up against.

These are the warrior women I am proud to welcome into my home.  These are the spirits who strive to take the divide and make it seen.

I stand in the elements with these wild ones.  

A new location by the water.

Connected and reconnected.

We began the night by gathering in the kitchen and sharing in introductions, catching up and getting comfortable.  It's the way of gatherings.  First, you gather.  Then you can go deep.

"Why do we hermit?  Good or bad?"  I asked.  The night unfolded.

We've been hermits in our work or from the outside world for various reasons.  No matter the reasons, we often fall into prolonged hermitting due to the fear we have allowed in our lives.

The labels we have allowed and are working to scrub off.  We are actively choosing to be who we believe we are.  Who we were called to be.  And yet we walk everyday in atmospheres, clothes and maybe even relationships that feel old and stuffy.  

Questions swirl:

Where are my real friends?

What is my real job?

What is my 'thing' right now?

Does it matter?

???

In a way, yes, it matters very much.

In another way.  It doesn't.

Who we are in this moment, today, is what matters.

As one smart woman put it: "Confidence: if you are something, you just are.  This is what I am."

Taking the time and space to begin to connect with our spirits and hearts to find out who it is we feel called to be will create that confidence.  It's an inner knowing that surpasses any judgement, label or preconceived notion of who we are.

Creativity is all around us, and we want to go to the next level.

Join the Creatives in October to level up with us!

We arrived into Barkton place with very little insight into what 'real life' was.  

I acted rashly in my new freedom of choice.

He stayed secluded.

We both...struggled.

Struggled in our early twenties to find some sort of balance in a life we had no idea about.

And there was one desperate prayer we made.  One desperate plea to a God we could barely believe existed after such trauma and degradation of our spirits

"Make this a place of life.  A place of thriving spirits.  Make us understand each other and bring healing here."

And over the months that two bedroom, one and a half bathroom apartment became a hub.

Our couches became worn with the bodies that stayed over night for comfort.  Our kitchen was filled with food, drink and conversation.  Our walls leaked music and dance.  

Dance partner came for practice, friends came for creative conversation, cousins came to stay overnight, words of affirmation and encouragement overflowed and our door '305' became a number referenced in conversations.  

Barkton Place blossomed into a haven and a safety net for our friends.  For us.

We grew.  We learned.  We were blessed.

Blessings overturning into blessings.

And now that Barkton Place has been left behind we embark on a new journey of setting up a new home.

"What kind of couple are we?" I asked the one girl who saw us through all of these changes.

"I don't need to answer this for you.  You already know." She responded.

"No I don't."  But really, I did.  My spirit knew, but I wanted to hear it aloud.

"You are makers...you are ... you both embody what home is.  You are East Coast Lifestylers."

And that is what we have become.  Jeremy and I.

We have been enriched by our home.  Our roots.  We are enriched by those who have passed through our doors.

May our new home off the shores of Halifax be as open as Barkton Place became.  May our daughter be blessed by the musicians, the food and the freedom that we have found in passing grace as easily as we pass the bread and the wine.  May we allow this new home to be transformed into a new chapter of abundance, discovery and discovery.  

Change is inevitable yet at times it can throw us off guard.  Even when change is good how do we deal with it?

This is how I do change:

1) Identify initial reaction and embrace it.  

Knowing how I feel about something is empowering and imperative for me to work through what 'it' all means.  Wether I need to yell, cry or take my own 'time out', I do it.   Often times when change happens we can react our own fears and confusion of emotions on others.  I try my best to react in a safe and appropriate environment.

2) Grieve the loss/change.  

When things change on me, it often means there was something else I thought would happen.  We can't ignore that part of ourselves, but we can't let it rule us either.  Take a moment to feel those emotions, light a candle, blow it out and move on.

3) Make a game plan.

Nothing makes me feel out of control than not having a plan.  Plans can alter and change, but ultimately I thrive by putting a plan for the change in place as soon as possible.  Wether it's making a daily schedule, or a few fun goals, I thrive by challenging myself with new ideas, goals, routines etc.

4) Celebrate!  

Change is always good if we embrace it fully.  Just because something isn't as you thought it would be doesn't mean that our original expectations are better than the reality.  Reality is what you make it.  If something is different than I thought, I make use of the different.

5) Declare it!  

When something changes and I am walking in the change, I have learned that shouting it from the rooftops is an amazing way for me to walk in positivity and enthusiasm. 

We have not done a summer meet-up before, but now we have, and it was exactly what 'The Creatives' needed.

Everyone has been shaken up and around and somehow we are all landing in new places with new visions and aspirations.

All of it, a good thing.

The core of 'The Creatives' are moving on in many different ways.  They are growing, moulding, making and meditating on everything new.

Montreal 

Denmark

British Columbia

Asia?

...

Everyone has a timeline and a place they belong.

For the core, there have been changes and for the new there will be growth and more changes.

Connecting with the old and the new has created a new development of growth and change.

Autumn is bringing us to a new and different place.

For all the development and changes we give thanks.

May Autumn see us, shiny bright and new in ways we have ever imagined.  

Social Wellness 

It was this image on a TV show that we saw.  An image of a family gathered around a table and the dynamics that occurred when they did.  Everyone so different yet there was a unity that survived around that table.

They had gathered.

Many of us long for this type of ease.  But is it ease?  How do we balance the high demands of real life with the desire to stay connected and respectful of each other?

Getting an extended family gathered routinely creates an opportunity for unity and understanding.

What keeps us from gathered?

Expectations, technology, schedule conflicts .... a myriad of life.  

How can we connect in an 'organic' way with our close and extended family?  Can it be a routine added or a sporadic moment?  A moment to unplug from our screens and share in an activity?  Or simply a weekly walk?

Whatever works for your family dynamic, gathering takes initiative and is a journey into wellness with each other.

Get creative.

What works for your family? 

Nursing on the Halifax Waterfront

DISCLAIMER:  I never want to assume that what I have expierenced would be helpful or needed by another new mama.  I know all too well, that becoming a new mom is a journey that is uniquely yours and how you want to journey it, is precious and sacred.  May this never be read as a "For All" but for "those who ask and need it."

This is my list:

1) Positive or negative, this is your journey.  

However you look at pregnancy, birth, motherhood, the choice is yours.  You can embrace the changes or gripe about them.  Surround yourself with those who want to journey alongside you in the way that feeds your spirit. 

2) People say the worst things, find a vent buddy.  

Humans say things.  Be it 'how big you look', how 'you must be carrying a boy', 'enjoy your life now, you'll never get it back', or the constant questions on 'how you are going to decorate the nursery'... if I didn't have a few friends to vent to I would have gone bonkers.  

3) Find What Feels Good (@yogawithadriene reference) How you want to labour is your decision.  

Tub, squatting, standing...don't let anyone convince you of anything other than what is natural to you in that moment.  You are the expert on you and your baby, trust in the process.  

4) Embrace the poop, blood, and gunk.  

Birthing is a messy and stunning process.  Being able to laugh and not feel ashamed of your labour and body is an amazing thing.  

5) Own your unique birth story.  

Birthing is a process we should prepare for physically, mentally spiritually and emotionally, yet YOUR story is an unpredictable one.  However your wee one enters this world, it's the story that you both share.  Let it empower you.   

6) Embrace skin to skin with your newborn.  

Even though I was prepared to want to do skin to skin with my daughter I had no idea how amazing it was.  It works wonders for your emotions, processing and to the understanding of the new role as mama to your baby.

7) Bring your own food to the hospital.

My husband and I did a lot of research of what food my body would need after birthing our daughter.  We are so thankful we had done this. Even though the hospital food was 'okay', having my own oatmeal, prunes, protein shakes, electrolyte drinks, fruit bars, etc,  gave me the boosts I needed during those first three days.  

8) The hospital is not a relaxing place.  Limit visitors. 

By the time you have birthed your baby you have probably been awake for more than twenty-four hours.  If you had a natural labour with no drugs, you probably will be on an adrenaline high. All of which is normal, natural and is the hormones your body needs to bond with your new bundle.  If you have torn during delivery, you will probably be in the birthing room for an extra hour after the placenta is delivered.  By the time you get to your room (HIGHLY RECOMMEND PRIVATE) it will be much later.  Paper work and processing take time.  Depending on how progressive the hospital is, they will discourage vistors and encourage you to bond and rest with your baby as much as you can.  I didn't realize how important quiet time was until after that first day.  A new mama doesn't just have to adjust with the needs of her new baby, but she is also dealing with the (WARNING TMI --------> ) lochia a.k.a. postnatal bleeding, hormone dips, exhaustion, soreness, stitches, nutrition intake, bowel movements, peeing, showering, nurses checking on mom and baby every 15 minutes to an hour, blood tests and maybe even more.   The last thing a new mama needs, no matter how picture worthy, the first few days of a baby's life are, is to have 'people' around while she figures out recovery and her new baby.   

9) Never feel guilty for saying no.  

Making decisions based off of your needs for health and wellness is a priority.  Saying no to attending events, a certain energy in a conversation, things for you or baby, visitors, or any expectation are decisions that only you can make.  Feel confident in standing up for yourself.   

And lastly....

10) Don't apologize for putting yourself first.  

Putting yourself first, especially during the last month and the first two months post partum helps to not only recover faster, but in a way that is balanced.  Your health and wellness is more important than satisfying visitors and those that want to 'be' with your baby.  You need to be at your top so you can be bonded and give your baby the round the clock care no one else will be able to give.  ORDER OF IMPORTANCE:  Mama first, baby second, partner third and everyone else last.  

We didn't realize it then but this was the last meet up before the summer break.  

It was obvious yet my new mama brain wasn't connecting those dots.  If I had I might have held these women together for a few extra minutes before closing the door after such a moving evening.

We sat there as we usually do, eating and communing with each others unique selves.  Food on the table like a feast and glasses tinkling with beverage of choice.  I relish these women, all so unique and vibrant.

Yoga Instructor

Photographer

Actor/Writer

Performer

Advisor

Sculpter

Endless light in one room.

We shifted in our seats as we shared the newness of one of us creatives having a baby.  Some of us unsure, and some of us beaming.

New is always so mysterious, so unknown and captivating.

And that's the sometimes heart wrenching thing about the lives we choose to lead.  That our lives are not predictable and our circumstances change in a quick minute. 

Some of us are facing this new season with glittering eyes, and some of us are facing unknowns that make us shiver and quake.  Are we capable of withstanding this wind?  Can we stand amongst all the others?

And thats the thing with Creatives,  We put ourselves out there again and again no matter the weather.  Our directions may change but our surging forth does not.  We may not end up where we started out but we all surge forward and insist on our creative selves having a place in this world.

So we're embarking on a new season of our lives and this time it's real and not a phony attempt at our dreams.  This one is real life and even if it doesn't look like a shiny new pony it will be exactly what it should be.

Until Autumn. 

Brirthing Zoë.  Many people have asked me to tell the story.  Some expect a tale of agony and negativity, others expect a retelling play by play of a 'movie' scene. 

I have neither.

What I do have, is a marathon experience I will never forget.

Birthing Zoë was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had and I know, if given the opportunity to bring another life into this world I will do it again in a heartbeat.

It started between 10:00 - 11:00pm.  My husband, Jeremy and I were soaking the bathtub (something I highly recommend to all pregnant women and couples in general) when I began feeling what were the beginning of contractions.  They were mild and could only be explained as cramps at that point in time, but they felt oddly more patterned than the cramps I was experiencing off and on the past two to three weeks.  

"I'll time them to see if they are the real thing."  Jeremy said, urging me to tell him when I felt something.

"Now."  I replied when I felt a slight cramp.

"It's gone."  I would reply when it had ended.

This went on for a while when we realized, that if this indeed was the real thing, we needed to get as much sleep as possible.

Of course, I didn't get sleep after that, but after a call at around 1am to our Doula, Jeremy was able to sleep for the next almost two hours while I worked through the rest of the mild contractions.  

They progressed for the next few hours from mild to moderatly strong.  I went from laying beside Jeremy with phone in hand going through pinterest and saving motivational birth quotes to my camera roll and as phone wallpaper to motivate me, to getting out of bed and breathing through more powerful contractions that made me sway with the intensity.

Are they painful? So many people have asked.

What is pain?  Is all I can respond with.  When your body is doing something right, do we feel it as pain?  Pain is what our brains tell us it is.  I chose to see these powerful surges as ocean waves my body was experiencing to bring this baby down and into my arms.  I am not sure that I remember feeling 'pain', but I remember thinking "THIS IS INTENSE!"

Intense it is and intense it was.

Between 3 and 4am I woke Jeremy up and told him it was time to be awake and help bring our bags to the car.  I was going to stay in the shower.  I let my body expierence the surges get stronger and stronger in the shower until the inevitable for me.  I began to transition from contractions that were 7-9 minutes apart to contractions 4-6 minutes apart and I vomitted my dinner as the water poured over my body.  I turned off the shower, giving up on that kind of relaxation teqnique.  

Between 4am- 5am our Doula arrived and the contractions were now 4-5 minutes apart.  We moved to the bathroom where she helped get my yoga mat and exercise ball in place for me to kneel and have support.

By 6-7am we made the transition to the hospital where my contractions were then a consistent 1-2 minutes apart.  The registration office tried to downplay my need to be seen right away, but it became obvious very quickly that 'first baby' or not, I was in very active labour.  The transition from seeing the nurse in registration to being seen upstairs on the labour floor did take more time than I was in the mood for, but I stayed focus on the waves and laughed when I was asked to lay down so they could check my cervix.

"Your kidding!?"  I remember saying after another wave subsided and another began.  I did get on the bed, and she did check my cervix.  All the while, I was telling myself that labour can take days for some people and that I needed to not care about numbers, time, or how fast things were progressing.  I needed to stay present.  That was my only job.  

Stay present and strong.

"You are six centemters."  She said.

I tried not to let that number excite me, but I do remember giving myself a mental high five and inward dance.

From there, they transferred me to our room and again, I inwardly laughed when the nurse pointed at the bed. 

"In what world does that look comfortable?"  I said to myself with inward snark. "But this looks great."  I walked towards a huge garbage can and vomitted again.  It felt good to know I was transitioning from stage to stage well.  

"Tub." is what I remember saying to my doula and Jeremy.  And there I stayed in the tub on all fours, on my side and sitting holding onto a bar.  

I didn't say much out loud, or make noises.  Noise bothered me, and probably because I had so much going on in my head.  Inside I was talking a mile a minute to myself.

I said things like 

"I am going to do this and be amazing."

"This could take more than twenty four hours.  Don't have expectations, just do this."

"These are the precious moments our lives are made of."

And I had endless lyrics and beats filtering through my mind as well:

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller ...."

"One jump ahead of the breadline ....I steal only what I can't afford, and thats everything....Riffraff street rat, I don't buy that..."

In some ways it felt like time had stopped.  In others it felt like time flew by fast and before I knew it I was on all fours in the tub, with all kinds of things floating along with me.  Jeremy wasn't phased by what my body was shedding.  Blood, poop, membranes... it was all apart of the process and as I glanced at the floaters I remember thinking 

"This is the real *shit* right here.  This labour thing, it's more real than any poop I've ever had."

Before I knew it my body was pushing.  What they don't tell you about pushing, is that it really isn't an option.  Like a sneeze, or vomiting, it is a neccessary action your body doesn't give you a choice on.  Nobody tells animals when to push, and I guess thats why I accepted the pushing when it came.  

"Trust in God, and trust your body."  Our doula whispered in my ear when the pushing began.  

I could feel Zoë's head in my pelvis and I thought she was going to come out right then.  The nurse and doctors had no idea how far along this was until finally they checked and I could hear the bustling began.  Jeremy and the nurse lifted me out of the tub and onto the bed.  It was an unfortanate positioning that I got stuck in.  I couldn't get my body to change positions after she entered my pelvis so on my back I was.  

There I pushed for almost an hour, and to some that might seem exaushting.  But this was my favourite part.  I felt like I was in the biggest workout session of my life.  Every push felt so rewarding and full of a rush I cannot explain.  

If it were not for the membrane still over her head, she would have been out in no time, but of course, Zoë and I couldn't make it too easy for everyone.  With every push she would come farther out but get sucked back in because of the pressure of the membrane.  And I knew this because the Doctor, who was Katherine Heigals doppelgänger, was explaining all of this to her resident.  

"I AM IN A GREYS ANATOMY EPISODE!!!!!!!! THIS IS TOO COOL!"  I said to myself, and only hoped Jeremy was thinking the same thing.  "Too bad theres not brain surgeon needed... maybe he would look like Patrick Dempsy."  

Needless to say, at 11:53 I gave that final push that felt like all my intestines were falling out of my body, but was actually all of Zoë and her umbilical cord. I was grappling for her as she layed on my lower abdomen.  She wasn't yet cut from me, yet I wanted her as close to my face as I could get her.  She was so strong, so beauitful and utterly captivating.  I didn't check to see if she was a girl, because I already knew.  Mothers just know these things.

We snuggled and cuddled and the bonding process began.  I had always read about skin on skin bonding, how it has saved babies and moms lives just by doing it.  How it regulates both baby and mom, but it wasn't until Zoë was born that I truly understood how important.  This was essential to us and it was magical.  

There I was completely naked as I was when I was born and there she was herself, just as she is.

We were the most raw of ourselves.

It wasn't long after she was born that I began to talk everyones ear off.  Zoë was a strong little girl who was already lifting her head, climbing to the breast and feeding off me as if it was her last meal.  It was the her first of many.  

After a half hour without the placenta coming out naturally Dr. Katherine Heigal look alike told me she might have to think about giving me the pitocin shot to hurry things along.  I made a face, let another mild contraction wave build and pushed, letting the placenta fall out of me.

"You mean all I had to do was ask?"  She laughed.

"Pretty much."  I smirked, enjoying the high natural labour was giving me.

And that is where the problems arose.  

Due to the tears and extra membranes still inside me, my bleeding seemed abnormal and strange.  It was confusing to them as they inspected my placenta and saw it all intact yet still found membranes.  

They rolled my stomach like bread dough and Zoë still resting and nursing on my chest heard her mamas first yells.  

Labour was nothing.  Contractions and pushing was nothing that needed to be yelled about.  Just deep breathing and concentration.  

But.

When your stomach is being rolled out like dough to find if there is more blood to come out, that, my friend is the real unexpected painful moment.

All in all, it didnt last long, we made the decision to give me the pitocin my body needed to stop the bleeding and although they had to stitch me up, I was still in a very good mood and place.

"You've had such a good birth, I am really sorry we had to do this."  Dr. Heigal said to me as she watched her intern stitch me up.

"Oh it's okay!  It's probably a good thing you look like Katherine Heigal though."  I teased. 

"YES!  THANK-YOU!"  Jeremy exclaimed.  "I've been thinking that the whole time."

The room burst with laughter and I held Zoë tighter as they finished their work.

Once they were finished, the nurse helped me get up to shower.  The first time since she was conceived that I was separated from Zoë.  I missed her already.   I felt unsteady but strong.  Like a warrior and I looked at the key around my wrist.  I felt like I lived up to the word and was determined to continue that journey as I recovered with my daughter.

Settling back into the bed with sore lady places I took my halter top down and placed my daughter back onto my skin.  

And I ate and ate and ate.

I have never had as much food as I did that day and the next three days.  

I downed protien drinks, oatmeal, prunes, fruit bars, cookies and more.  

Once in our room Jeremy asked me what I wanted for dinner and a quick glance at the menu said it all.

"Waffle breakfast for dinner please!"  I grinned up at him with our daughter asleep in my arms.

It's been exactly seven weeks since that day and now, I still wear this key as I continue on my journey of Mama Wellness with the word Strength around my wrist.  I've watched the weight fall off as I have embraced my yoga practice, and introduced cardio back into my life.  We have embraced nutrition in a whole new way and those extra five pounds that are on their way out, they have taught me a lot.

I embrace the tiger stripes on my abdomen and although it makes me hesitant to wear a bikini I have found that sexiness isn't about how your body looks, but in how strong you are.

Strength is sexy

Scars are sexy.

And my tiger stripes are just another story that brings my husband and I closer together.

Mamas who embrace their strength and scars are the most sexy of women.

It was in January of 2014 that I began preparing for motherhood.  I decided I wasn't going to put my body in the position of child bearing until I had conditioned it in strength, endurance, health and wellness.    As the months passed by, I began to see how strengthening my body to support a life was paying off.  I felt the most alive I had ever felt.  

It was in June 2014 that I felt my body, mind and soul was ready for the carrying of a new life.

It was August 2014 that a pregnancy test came back positive.  I was pregnant.

It was September 2014 that we picked her name and I knew she was a Zoë.  Sometimes a mother just knows.

It was January 2015 that I knew I wanted to deliver as natural as possible and was needing a support system for the journey.  Adrienne Kelher joined my husband and I on the preparation for this girl.

It was May 3rd 2015, when Zoë Wing Zhe Lai was born.  A petite but healthy six pounds and twelve ounces, this little girl was all muscle tone and wild lungs.  

Now, it is June 11 2015, just under ten pounds away from my pre-birth weight and working hard to recover and help my body back into that place of strength and endurance again.  Zoë is over ten pounds, sleeping from 7pm - 10pm & 11pm - 4:30am, smiling and finding her voice.  We girls are strong women and both of us, with strong voices have been bonding.

Now I believe strongly in the importance of prenatal wellness preparation and postnatal wellness strategies.  Baby blues and Postpartum depression is very real and the societal knowledge of it is still spotty,  

Now I believe that the desires of mom and baby come first before any expectations.  We should be encouraging the mother and baby bonding before rushing to take over and 'hold'.  Babies are tiny humans with very small and still developing nervous systems with research now showing that their abilities to withstand being passed around and being over stimulated is low.  Moms are pressured to be sharing the one thing they worked hard to maintain and keep safe for almost a solid year.  The repreccusions of rushing the bonding process has detrimental health affects on both mom and baby.  

Now I believe in everyones individual birth story being a miracle and an amazing journey.

Now I believe that the journey to motherhood is holy, spiritual and a very individual process.  No one woman's journey is the same.  

Now I understand my own mother just a bit more.

And now,

I work hard to be the balanced and well mother that this girl deserves.

I dedicate my life to live by example and encourage her to seek her identity in the One who made her.  

She is Zoë, and I, am Amy.

Spiritual Wellness:

I was arrested here.  Brought back to and aligned with the spiritual side of me.  

We all have it.  A side that yearns for the part of this world that is all things abundance, growth, wonder and beauty.  Here in this moment by these stone steps: 

Captivated.

Captivation is the key to awakening your spiritual wellness.  What captivates you?  What arrests you in a moment and makes you pause?  Can you remember the last time you were captivated and felt that stirring.  That yearning that this world has more for you than the mundane?

The Creator wants to give you more, to captivate you by the beauty of this life that you breathe.  Yet it is so easy to miss, amidst the notions and commotions of the day to day.  

Open your eyes today, this week, this month.  Keep ready for a moment that captivates you, and sink into it.  Sink deep into the waters of your spirit.  Listen to it.  What is the whisper that tries so hard to cry out?

There is nothing like giving birth that brings one to a whole new level of awareness of life.  Life is a treasured and powerful force.  It comes on strong and it doesn't let up until it has completed it's story.   With every contraction my body took over the span of 12 hours, I was intrinsically aware of how powerful the journey I was on is.  The words that spun around in my mind as I breathed and focused were many, but among them the phrase 

"These are the precious moments our lives are made of."  A simple phrase I stumbled upon while watching weekly pregnancy videos and how true they are. 

The journey of life is precious and there are times where we submit to the force of it all and sink into each wave as it comes, and then, there are times we rest.  We rest in the pure and sweet shallow waters of a resting pool.

Recovering from anything is when we need to be retreating into those shallow waters.  The quiet and safe places we find in the everyday.   Those places are an individualisitic expierence and what heals one, may not heal another.

Learn your places.  The quiet places of rest.  A library, a field, a bedroom, a skating rink, a dance floor, a beach...

For me?  The ocean and it's off shore breeze.  My home and it's small peaceful rooms.  My bed at night with it's cool sheets and a husband who holds me close.  My yoga mat and it's welcoming colours as I stretch tired limbs.  

No matter the places, the whys or the hows, recovery isn't a process overnight.  Recovery is a journey and we can't rush it.

When a spirit needs rest and space, we must nurture that and protect that.  We must be the guardians of a spirits' need to recalibrate and reset.  Because the push and pull of this world will never heal, but tear.  But the peaceful rest of a spirit lead recovery will stitch up the wounds of the broken.

I have emerged from a week of guarded rest after childbirth and have bonded deeply with a husband and a daughter.  We have gathered precious moments that were not rushed but expierenced deeply.  Sleepless nights have been had, and tired lungs have wailed but the space we created around us has developed into a passionate love affair and a healing environment for our spirits. We are bonded closer, tighter and deeper.  This is the journey aspire to.  

Let us emerge slowly and gradually from our recovery as a chyrsalids process and watch us flourish as we spread our wings.

Recovery.

A process.

I've got my singing voice on blast now, because it's getting down to the wire.  This little one and I have a marathon to run and we've been preparing.  Her with her persistence and me with my determination.

Emotionally, Spiritually, Mentally and Physically. 

The journey of bringing a life into the world is all encompassing.  The more this life moves and follows me daily as I do my own life, I have been realizing how important our surroundings are.

Maintaining an atmosphere of strength, purpose and sweet surrender to the beauty of life unpredictable has been a mantra.

We've set up a birth plan, washed the clothes, got the carseat locked in, and we've embraced the unpredictable.  We don't want to live in a life of fear or perfect planning, but in the moment of the daily. 

Words are so important.  Keeping the words around us positive and speaking life over this process has been a realization of the life our little family want to live.  

A life redeemed with spirits released to the trust and peace that only God can give.  

So many of us do not realize how our own experiences, worries, fears and overall mindsets can affect another. 

May I be so aware of myself and how I affect this little heart.  May I speak words of life and faith.  May I deny "myself" so I can be the grounding my child needs.  Not to negate myself and needs, but to take stock in what I may carry that need not be shared.  May I be the fighter and the protector but not the controller.  May I train my mothering like an athlete, that I will understand how to use my abilities in a way that holds on when needed but knows instinctively when to let go.  Because the letting go is as important as the holding on. 

There is an amazing team of people preparing for this life and we are blessed daily by them and their care.  

This is it sweet one.  The stage is set, the curtains are ready.  This is your first call.