space | spās | noun
1 a continuous area or expanse which is free, available, or unoccupied
2 the dimensions of height, depth, and width within which all things exist and move
3 an interval of time (often used to suggest that the time is short considering what has happened or been achieved in it)
4 the portion of a text or document available or needed to write about a subject
5 the freedom and scope to live, think, and develop in a way that suits one
This year has sharpened me in ways I was not sure I was ready for or wanted.
For as brave and bold as some may believe me to be, I, too, can cave to the depths of doubt and weakness.
I realized this year that to claim space meant I needed to rise up and hold that space with the confidence I have. To not just fake or pretend but to truly and wholly own.
I was raised in parts but not in whole, on the value of humbleness and meekness within one's womanhood.
Yet something was nagging on me.
Something that brought me to tears when it kept raising it’s ugly head.
It happened simply and quietly when expressing myself around a dinner table.
It went something like this:
"I can give them something unique. I am a skilled storyteller and carry something others don't have. My previous training and way of seeing things make me excellent at what I do."
"You should watch how you say that. That sounds prideful, and it isn't Godly." was the reply.
"It's not prideful at all. If any of the men in this family sat here and said the same thing, I know for a fact they would be praised for their skills and intelligence. The same is true here. I know my skills, weaknesses, and where I need and want to grow. Both can be true." I responded.
It was a simple and symbolic yet crushing moment of realization.
The work was endless.
The struggle might be forever.
I spent months after this exchange navigating my self-doubt and wondering if anything would come of anything.
Yet during that time, I was learning what I was worth and what I was willing to do to make the effort I could make known.
I found that effort and work within a project of holding space for others.
This is my passion, and I have learned this more than any other this year.
I am meant to hold space for myself to do the heavy and essential work of holding space for others.
It won't stop here.
This word.
This theme.
It's a lifetime commitment.
Just because a new year comes and with it a new word,
Space will remain a word that I will hold and continue to strive for.
I pray as 2022 turns 2023 that, our pauses of reflections of the days behind us remind us of the sacred and beautiful art of being wholly and fully capable in our places.
None of it is a mistake.
Every single moment is here for the teaching.
The making and the breathing.
Thank you, 2022, for being the year that reminded me of the true intent behind the work.
Onwards,
