Coming out of our first of a few planned small vacations / staycations I have been refreshed.
I stumbled onto a moment that triggered me to remember a moment almost four years back. I took a moment to sit down on my regular walk in a little alcove that always seems a bit too magical for the everyday routine.
As I sat down and looked around me I was reminded of the day that created me to write this:
"Wellness Wednesday: Captivation"
"Open your eyes today, this week, this month. Keep ready for a moment that captivates you, and sink into it. Sink deep into the waters of your spirit. Listen to it. What is the whisper that tries so hard to cry out?"
It is so easy to let the pressures of what we want to see happen, what you thought would happen, what you dream of and how it turns out differently, or even when you are left with nothing to hold on to be the filter in which we perceive our lives.
Yet when I look at this moment that happened years ago and what I know of now, what I didn't know then. What I have now, what I didn't have then. What I lost, what I gained... it all is a captivating and arresting truth...
So I am going into this Summer with my eyes open, personally and especially professionally at what captivates me. Taking those truths and moving them forward one small action at a time.
My real work is to stay open to the journey and keep my eyes open to what is around me.
Attentive.
What captivates me today?
Deep conversations with creative women.
Raw and exciting story telling with authentic humour that leaks out of it.
Trying new ideas and learning along the way.
In January I made this statement:
"Focusing on excellence in my work, my choices and my lifestyle ideals are what is forefront in my mind as I journey into this next year..."
How has this played out?
IN THE PROFESSIONAL
I have been in the process of levelling up in my work quality. I have created a few pieces that surprised me and they are in various stages of development. I have also had to learn what it means to say no. To have to stand up for myself in a professional setting shook me up. It reminded me of my values, of what I will and will not work towards. It reminded me of why I do what I do and what type of writer that makes me. In essence, excellence might look a bit like having a strong sense of self tied directly to my professional being.
IN THE PERSONAL
I have a better sense of where I want my energy to be poured out in my family, my friends and my community. I have a better sense of what I can be giving and it has created some clarity over the past few months. Attending our local church has allowed me to truly sink into creating deeper relationships with people who live near us. It has been an anchor and given me space to inhale and exhale while connecting with family, friends and anyone else who crosses my path.
OVERALL
This half of the year hasn't been easy by any means, but it has developed in me a sense of strength and discernment in situations that are beyond me. I have been reminded of Who made me, Why I am driven to create and What makes me unique. Striving for excellence has never been about prerfection, but about truly understanding who I am, what I can fully bring to the table and how I can serve.
Learning the craft of writing for film & television is a journey.
I still am in the process of attending workshops, studying up, and surrounding myself with like minded people.
Let's be honest.
I am doing all of this while being the primary caregiver of a three year old. It's not as if this journey is going to be completed in a season or two.
What I am learning so much of right now, is that giving myself grace and space to learn, grow and be inspired is of the upmost importance.
Grace to not have it all figured out, and the space to take as much time as I need to get there.
What I have accomplished so far :
- Written and continuing to work on various drafts of the pilot and series pitch of a television series that I alone created. I have done this with the previous and continual help of various women who are also excited by the concept. (That in itself is amazing!!!!)
- Written a short film that accurately displays the type of female characters that I am known for writing. That displays my love of womanhood, friendship and humour.
I think at this point, to get this far has been a considerable feat and I shouldn't downplay it no matter how I may feel when I look around at the various women slaying their hustle.
I too, have been doing amazing things.
Here is to the continuation and development of much more!
I am going to level with you.
I am not out to be the next hit Canadian performance.
I think, that itself as the goal, distracts from the whole point of it.
The pressures we allow to be put on ourselves internally and externally are insurmountable. They sit on us and tell us how unworthy we are and how our attempts are always going to pale in comparison to anothers.
Here it is:
I want to be so focused on honing my craft, creating true and resonating pieces of work that the distractions fall away. That I surround myself with what I need to be empowered enough to press in and keep on carving away at something I truly believe in.
I am pursuing characters whom I truly love and adore. I am their advocate and their biggest champion. I want to see them breathe in the mediums I have chosen for them and I remain hard at work bringing them into the place they need to be.
That is what it's about. Not the recognition, not the networking, the support or the lack thereof. It's about the voices that have been given life through the work and whom made it past the cutting room floor into a place of story.
This Sunday I presented a short piece that I was commissioned to write for a Sunday morning service.
Attending Bedford Baptist Church has been a nice shift for our little family. To attend a church in our own community is new for us and we love how connected it is making us feel.
'She Is', in my mind, an attempt to capture the life stages of women and present them with varying degrees of perspective. It's easy to look at youth, middle aged and senior and leave it at that. But what happens when we truly look at a woman in each stage at all angles?
Depth.
In this little piece I attempted at showing the varying depths of a woman. I was blessed to have five women stand as representation while leaving an empty chair representing the indigenous women who have been missing figuratively and literally from our societal conversation.
Even after presenting this, it is not lost on me that I could only present a limited amount of angles on women and there were and still are so many more I could have touched on.
This piece has me meditating on that depth that is seen and unseen. We are programmed to see something in others because we personally decide that is what we are seeing based on our own life experiences. But there is always more. More we don't know, can't know and won't know unless we get closer and ask each other, spark conversation and dare to get more intimate with one another. Relationship with eachother, especially as women is, I believe, the main way we find solidarity and peace within ourselves.
Something clicked just over a month ago.
I can and should have multiple different projects on the go in various stages of development at all times.
This has been true for me at different times in my work, but never intentional.
It hit me while sitting and listening to women in the storytelling industry.
It is normal and in fact, part of the creative industry to be multitasking with various projects.
You see, that is not in my nature. I am a multi-tasker in my day sure, but not in how I live my overall life. If I want to do anything, I am guns blazing from start to finish. I want to start at the beginning and get to the end, as fast as I possibly can.
That is not how it works in the theatre, film and television industry.
It takes Months. Seasons. YEARS even.
This realization is blowing my mind and still a challenge to comprehend.
At this point, all I can truly say, is that I am learning how to be more comfortable and capable with balancing this reality. Having four projects this season seems daunting and overwhelming and yet, it also seems absolutely possible and motivating.
As my awareness and understanding of how this works develops for me I will definitely be documenting and sharing my process and learning.
Until then,
With various projects I go....
Thank-God for Spring! Everything comes up new.
And that is exactly how it feels professionally for me right now.
Attending Women Making Waves 2018 was a reminder that my courage and ambition are rightly placed and well timed. That my projects have merit and my stories have a voice.
Since that conference I have embraced what it looks like to be a professional writer in the performance industries. It means a lot of hard and well though out solo work. A lot of applications, a lot of socializing and finding those whom click with your own work ethic and values.
It means patience, perseverance, and a lot of play time.
This Spring:
I anticipate announcing a few new and exciting projects.
Introducing new and inspiring women via Spotlight posts.
Continuing to share my learned experiencing in life and work.
"My mission in life is not merely to survive but to thrive, and to do so some passion, some compassion, some humour and some style." - Maya Angelou
It's no secret that I carry my Bullet Journal close to get me through my days and ADORE sitting down to plan a fresh week. But the truth is, I do it for the sanity. For the ability to juggle my personal and professional life.
Planning for a new week takes me from mid Friday to Sunday night. If I am blessed to have an open stretch of time then it might only take me one day, but non the less, to have sanity I carve out the time despite how busy a weekend may be to plan the new week to come.
How?
1. Schedule the dailys.
Chores, exercise, and hygiene/beauty regimen all get scheduled in without question. A clean home, ability to move my body and take care of my physical/emotional self are high values for me. I make them a priority.
2. Ink in the meetings/events/appointments.
Being that I am the main care giver for my almost three year old and a writer for theatre, film & television, any event, work meeting, appointment and child care has to be planned ahead and chosen wisely. I know my point of exausthion and do my best to make sure that I rarely hit it so that I can always be giving my daughter, colleagues friends and family the best and healthiest version of myself. This also means that every week looks different from the next. Scheduling can feel like a game of chess at times.
3. Empty inboxes & links saved.
I am a huge fan of starting the week with a fresh inbox, knowing that I have dealt with the weeks correspondence and along with that, any links that I have saved to be read, watched or looked into are carefully minimized and put in folders such as "Professional Development".
4. Update budget, groceries, meal plan, etc.
Being wise with our finances, and eating healthy whole foods are values of our little family. This means we have to make a weekly effort to prepare for the week to come. It is all to easy to buy cheap processed food and buy needlessly. Taking the time to review our spending and financial goals once a week along with what recipes we want to make has helped us hugely in maintaining our financial and physical wellness.
5. Pre set rooms, technology and laundry for Monday.
Nothing says it's a new week better than fresh sheets on the bed, laundry washed and folded and phones and laptops charged and cleaned. (I have a habit of working while eating a snack or dinner and I ALWAYS end up with a dirty screen and keyboard by weeks end)
This may seem excessive to some, but for my personality, whom thrives on maintaining my inner and outer expectations, this routine not only ensures that I maintain my own contentment but also my follow through with that and those I commit to.
Week Planning is the foundation of my personal and professional life.
Over the weekend I attended the Women in Film and Television Atlantics (WIFT-AT) yearly conference 'Women Making Waves' at the Lord Nelson Hotel in Halifax.
I attended last years' due to being accepting into the New Waves Program where WIFT-AT accepts emerging and exploring film-makers into a five class workshop series. Needless to say, I LOVED it.
Since the New Waves program I have been working to hone and focus my writing into the performing arts (learning screenplay writing and culture etc) and it was exciting to attend this years conference knowing that my projects and visions were even more aligned with the industry.
Re-connecting with peers, hearing from other creators and celebrating the work that comes out of women who are aiming to collaborate, work, and essentially make a difference through their medium of passion was the refresh I so desperately needed.
It was hugely inspiring to be able to hear from Carmillas co-creator Steph Ouaknine, Mohwak Girls Creator and director Tracy Deer, Ava creator and director Sadaf Foroughi and 'Bens at Home' creator and director Mars Horodyski about how they created, were impassioned to pursue their work and how they pushed through to get them where they are today.
This weekend I learned these things:
1. Keep showing up for your work and always put it out there.
2. What you are passionate about has a niche.
3. Find that niche and hone it.
4. Work with those whom you click with.
5. Know why you do it.
6. Anyone who attempts truth telling is extrodinarily brave.
I am so thankful for the journey I am on and the opportunities I have along the way that connect me with passionate women, remind me of why I do what I do and keep my feet planted on the ground.
This room has been a work in progress. As a family, we call it "The Creative Room". Personally, I call it "My writers room". This is where I write, muse and make it all happen.
DESK
This desk was a labour of love for me. I saved for two years to be able to afford it. I saw it on Pinterest one day and promised myself that I would find a way to buy it. I adore it's simplicity and it's ability to store my materials.
TROLLY
Another Pinterest find, I noticed that many bloggers were using this IKEA trolly for their art supplies. IKEA was not yet in Halifax, Nova Scotia at the time so I again, had to set aside the money for shipping (which can be absolutely ridiculous considering the cost or sale of an item) Currently it holds all of Z's creative supplies I am okay with her having anytime access to. (markers etc are stored on shelf)
CHAIR
From IKEA. My family blessed me recently this year with the perfect chair support. Being that I have a unique desk, chairs have been hard to match with it. This chair is perfect for my back, trendy, comfortable and has the adjustable height I need.
POSTERS
From the two shows I have written and produced. Hanging them above my work space is a reminder that I have written impactful work, that I am capable of excelling and improving with each project and that it is worth the work it takes. I am incredibly proud of what I have accomplished and I think we should all aim to encourage one another in the dreams and visions we aspire to.
ACCESSORIES
Twinkle lights, photos of my best friends, a hidden 'Peter Rabbit 'A'' from my mom, a vintage key, a soft mat for my feet, a compass for Grace, seasonal scented candle are all elements that create an atmosphere for me that boost me, motivate me and embolden me,.
Part of my job as a writer is to be okay with the parts in-between.
In truth, I am not the biggest fan of waiting. Of editing, of asking, of risking. Can't someone else do that for me?
Maybe one day, I'll have a life where I can just sit and focus on the creation and let others deal with the 'making-it-have-a-life-off-the-page' stage, but for now, I have to be a leader in that process. Which means facing fears and being okay with the waiting.
So I wrote a letter to myself over the application I am waiting to hear about. Knowing I should have an answer soon, the anxiety is rising. What will I do If I don't get the money I asked for to do this? What will I do if I don't feel that the association I believe is my only chance, doesn't believe in me?
And thats when I heard it.
You celebrate.
You celebrate if you got the funding, and celebrate if you didn't. Because in the end, it's not about where the funding comes from, it's about the fact that I did something. I tried. I put together the best proposal I could, and I know that what I have to offer is worthy despite the results.
I celebrate either way. Because I didn't just sit and wish, I got up and I risked failure and I risked disappointment.
That is worth celebrating as much as any perceived success.
A conversation with another woman writer put it all out on the table. A woman who weaves words and intellect with ease and precision. A woman who crafts excellence in her speech in a way I am left in awe.
How goals, inspiration and lifestyle are intertwined as one.
With the Seasons
We have rythms and flows to our years, our internal sense of self and the atmosphere around us. Setting goals/aspirations that match these rhythms will not only empower us to embrace the now, but to belong in tempo with the life around us.
For me: Once a week family skates, balanced meals in the duration of the week
With the Growth
We often , upon reflection can sense how we have grown and where we want to grow next. To take pause and reflect gives us time to identify these things and to grow is a beautiful thing. Although painful and at times difficult, our growth allows us to embrace a journey that ultimately delivers peace and joy. We were made to grow every day more into who we were made to be.
For me: To attend more workshop opportunities and industry events, to keep a prayer journal
With the Inspirations
Individualistic tendances to be moved by different elements. What inspires one, may not inspire another. To be moved by something is a good indication that one is aching to discover more of what that element is. Enjoy the discovery!
For me: To explore morning and evening rituals, continue curating and creating a balanced diet with various meals and dining experiences.
Our inidivual ways in which we find ourselves within our growth continues the ability to evolve and become whole.
I love this because it is as unique to me as it is unique to you.
Find what works for you and embrace your growth.
COURAGE
Any creative driven person knows that in order to be creative, one has to have a certain amount of courage.
Especially in the culture and society we live in today, we are only honoured in our work as creatives if we have done something spectacular and are known for it. It can be daunting to take the time away from the other aspects of life to 'create', let alone try to tell ourselves and others that we have something worth saying/showing.
THE BATTLE
It's an unspoken truth amongst creatives that in order for us to create we must prepare and go into battle despite our fears in order to get to our creative inspiration. Some days, this is easier than others. Other days, this is an uphill battle
Sounds dramatic, but it remains true.
From a personal experience, I can say that if I am working on anything and making anything it means that my discipline and my courage are in full use.
HOW?
IDENTIFY FEAR EXISTS
I acknowledge that fear wants to drive me and then I don't give it space to. I say no to negative people, thinking, music anything that brings up dread and self-doubt. I shut it down and focus on the calling.
KNOW MY FLOW
I work when I know I am in my best energy. For me, early morning and early evening. If I am working, I block off time to transition from my other roles. I cant simply go from handling a screaming toddler to writing my next best scene. I have to allow my heart, spirit and mind to align themselves and this needs time.
STAY IN CONTACT WITH BOLSTERING PEOPLE
Whenever I am about to go into creative battle, I message my best friends. I tell them I am about to battle and am going to accomplish these specific creative tasks and I know they are covering me with prayer, support and often send me those little emojis, words, images I needed. And they do because they are warriors themselves.
SET THE ATMOSPHERE
Atmosphere is one of my biggest motivators. The right playlist the right beverage, the right outfit, lighting and I can sit keeping the creative oil burning for longer than my bladder wants to hold itself.
INSPIRATIONS
Surrounding myself with inspirations. Media that is empowering, articles fo other women like me doing it, images from the internet that encapsulate a feeling I am trying to grasp. The right desktop wallpaper... I find it everything that surrounds me.
STANDING MY GROUND
The truth is, when I am working on a project, I am highly suseptable to the negativity of others and the world around me. I am working double time to quell that fear on my shoulder to have courage enough to write and when I feel that negative presence, be it a persons outlook, an expectation, passive aggressive behaviour, a negative article, facebook rants, or even just my own battle with resentment I will run in the other direction. Figuratively and spiritually I see it as running and taking my imaginary pen in my hand and striking the ground and saying "NO! I am capable. I am strong, I can do this and I have a calling to do this and that negativity is not from the One who made me."
It's like working double time, but what comes out of pressing in and pursuing the call is a strength and joy I absolutely need and want more of in my life. That is why I stand my ground.
One thing I have constantly followed and believed in life, is that each step takes care of itself.
It's that realizing that God has my deepest dreams and visions in the palm of His hands and that I am called to dream deep, stay open to the depth I need to access and trust that as I journey through life the steps will become clear as I explore.
A week from today I will be experiencing the first reading of my first pilot episode for television. Still early stages and this feels important. It will be the first of the script coming alive and although I know that this project has many hurdles, steps and metamorphosis to take before it finds it's place in this world, this is a step that will teach me and mold me.
No matter what life this project has, it does not determine the calling. I trust that the life of this project will breathe and pass on when it's time has come.
I trust that this next step will be another step in the long journey to come.
I am so thankful to have a writing and creative partner in Kirstin Howell and I am thankful that taking that leap of faith to apply for training from WIFT-AT has brought me where I am today.
One step at a time.
Over the next weeks I will spending hours pouring over what worked this year and what didn't work. Business, creativity and delivery is constantly shifting. 2017 has been a ton of learning and stepping into an industry as a writer I would not have deemed possible.
But here I am. Building my tribe, finding the collaborators and finding the avenues in which my writing can thrive.
Part of the vision planning is doing a complete website change. This means byamygrace will be shut down for the month of December and will be returning in January with a fresh new take that will match the current work I have stepped into.
This is the exciting stuff. The set up for launching into 2018. The quiet calm before the storm. A beautiful storm.
This is important. It's so easy to breeze past these thoughts and real life living because it's not as glitzy as the 'on the go', sexy snaps of #writerlife or #familylife. It's the in-between. The moments that are missed that give the fuller picture.
Posted on Instagram:
"Here's the real...
.
Nothing worth it comes easy & the juggle is real. It's a toddler table next to the work desk. It's the episode planning on a wall next to a box of play-dough. It's the full time mothering and running out to a meeting with the best partner in crime. It's the struggling with the fear & the pushing and pulling apart of the work.
I am a full time mother.
I am a full time writer.
My brain is going in a million ways daily and I know that I was made for this.
But the real is that I have had to let go of some wonderful things. I dance less, I miss out on events, I let people down just by trying to be both mother and writer.
I wouldn't trade it. The exhausting days with a teething toddler & the evenings with glittering lights around my desk begging me to go meet my dreams. Walking to the park in the morning to be spirited and free and then driving out to a meeting to be badass and a bit edgy.
Thankful for the spirits who come along side my wild and independence and give me the permission to explore, work hard and raise a wild soul.
This is my real insane happy life."
And I am thankful.
For the journey.
For the support around me.
For the inspirations.
For the experiences.
For the colleagues.
Staying feet planted on the ground and spirit reaching for the depths.
It's no secret I spend many a week night at my desk. I have forever been an 'early morning' or 'evening' creative. My thoughts are clearest after a workout or when the sun begins to set. It's the way I have always been. Naturally, as a writer, I capitalize on knowing this about myself.
Five years ago I began what I call "Write Nights". It started when I wrote my first play. "The Chronicles of the Dramatics Society". I knew I wanted to pursue the project and so I chose a few nights a week (At that specific time, I would go to 'Obladee' downtown) and write all evening. That process was magical to me and really helped me understand the process of writing which worked best for me.
My next project didn't get past the editing stage, but I began to enforce these "Write Nights" with any project onward that I would work on.
Write Nights can start as early as 5pm but no later than 7:30pm and always end no earlier than 10pm. If I am truly on a roll it edges close to 11pm. But so often I find that even if I am on a roll I want to end on a high note and feel that creative surge in my veins when I leave the desk.
They also always must consist of a beverage even if only water, but I adore it when wine or coffee is a possibility. I light my 'writing candle' during the times I write and use a string of battery operated string lights from time to time.
The sound track is essential. Generally, the music I play must be in theme of my projects. Currently that would mean a '1920s-1940s' Jazz playlist or a 'femme fatale' playlist.
Write Nights are my version of creative bliss and I however one finds their creative bliss / time, always elaborate on it and make it as alluring for your spirit as possible.
An alley way of stories of change to discover....
I was thrilled to be connected with Sarah Conn who is the co-creator and producer along with co-creator Allison O'Conner of 'Trophy'.
A beautiful installation pop up project that collaborates with others in the community to share stories of change.
Being a writer/performer, I jumped at the chance to experience this unique installation as a 'storyteller'. I asked a few close friends which of my life changing moments would translate well in a four minute telling and then I joined ranks with Sarah and Allison and the others for Nocturne Halifax 2017.
Sharing my story of change over and over again to different people in a small intimate setting, I found that I gained a deeper awareness of how we adjust our stories along with their intentions to match our audience. This is a simple concept for many writers and performers but so often forgotten the fray of our making and formulating of the work.
I found I also realized how blessed I was to have had that specific experience that I so often take for granted. I was changed in that moment again and again, simply by the retelling. Which is why storytellers do what they do, isn't it? We want to relive that experience for ourselves, for others and for those that deeply need to hear it.
Trophy gave me, as a storyteller, a deeper connection with my audience and I am so thankful for Sarah and Allison who have been touring this piece. It truly is a moving experience for both teller and listener.
The tent where I shared my story of a 'Cuban Taxi driver who changed my life with three words: 'I am Happy'.
Motivation isn't always an easy element to find. In life, as emotional and dynamic human beings we are often affected by our atmospheres and circumstances. We can wake up feeling energized only to hours later feel the empowerment drain from our bodies and spirits.
Discipline hasn't always come easy for me, but I remember when I started to really understand it.
I was in highschool and something in me wanted to learn how to figure skate. I barely knew how to skate forwards let alone attempt a simple waltz jump. But there was something in that sport I loved. A combination of artistry, athleticism and determination.
Discipline.
To be an athlete you have to be disciplined. I put in the time of joining a class of 4-6 year olds, being the single sixteen-year-old amidst them, our helmets on and learning the simple basic elements of skating. I showed up at the rink during my free periods, after school and on weekends I started realizing that not only was I loosing weight, feeling fit, learning a skill I was aching to learn, I was also learning what it took to be disciplined.
Elements of Discipline
Show Up
When you have a dream, goal, vision, desire, the first step is showing up. That is LITERALLY 50% of the battle. Then you do the work. It could be sucky ass work. It could be work that isn't showing any progress but it ALL counts.
Set the Atmosphere
Whatever it is you are trying to do, it can't be done well if the atmosphere goes against it. As a writer, for me, this looks like dressing the way I think my type of writer would dress, keeping a tidy and clean desk space so I can get to work at a moments inspiration, having a scented candle to light while I write, a fuzzy mat for my toes and fun mugs for my coffee. It means having a Living Room that is centred around stories, sharing and music, it means having healthy meals pre-made so I can think less and yet still be wooed by my palate. Think about what you are trying to do and all the elements that can come along side to support it.
Quality Over Quantity
We live in a world of excess so it's easy to get distracted with the events, requests, desires and life going on around you. The truth is, the work is always better when it is given quality attention. You can put time in that is empty of value because it had less than half your true attention. Reach for the quality. For me, that means three solid writing sessions a week. I get more done in those single three sessions than if I had five.
Tailor Life
So many expectations from others, yourself and circumstances. What is important is that any distractions and unnecessary elements to the work is stripped away. This means saying no. Saying no to things you might be relieved to say no to and saying no to things that might be hard to say no to.
Give Grace & Move On
& there are times when we are just completely overwhelmed, shocked or hindered because of how life treats us. We just can't do it today. That is okay. That is when we give ourselves Grace and keep going. Let yourself feel it, experience the grace and then move on and get back to it.
WOMAN WHO HAVE INSPIRED ME IN DISCIPLINE